Sept 28, 2004

I've been looking at this page for over an hour and can't seem to get it going.

The weekend was amazing.  From Friday night on, when Eric and I stayed up talking past midnight like we haven't done in forever, through a nice (albeit quick) trip down the hill to get a few supplies, to a wonderful Mabon celebration with the group, to a relaxed and loving Sunday.  It was wonderful and still is a great memory, but dealing with the trauma of Spooky's accident has left us all hurt and rattled.  He is still alive, or at least was yesterday morning.  He made it through the night and was stable.  This means he's not in shock any more and it makes me worried that he's in pain and missing us and very confused.  We thought about having someone else adopt him and bring him back to us, but if we did that, I'd feel terrible if he got hit again (the doctor was sure he'd been hit by a car).  I know it's probably best for all of us concerned if he go to a home with a fence, but I miss him more than I could ever imagine.  I had no clue I'd feel his absence so strongly.  He and I were constantly at odds, but I know he loved me.  He would lay at my feet under the desk while I wrote and he slept on my side of the bed at night.   If I went to town, when I came back he'd be so excited he'd nearly knock me down.  God, I'm starting to cry just writing this.  The kids are sad, but getting better.  I can tell they still hurt, but talking about it seems to make it worse for all of us.  I've told them all it's OK to be sad about this and to just relax, feel what they feel and let it happen.  For all of my bitching about that dog, I feel so much pain over him being gone that I can't believe it.  I really feel wounded.

The cats are thrilled.  Creep, our exclusively outside kitty for years, actually slept inside last night on our couch and has been eating inside for reasons unknown.  Both of our cats are very affectionate and loving and Spooky loved to chase them at top speed and make them completely miserable.  We have joked that the two of them paid someone to roll him.  We've talked about getting a couple more cats, but no more dogs.  No more dogs.

I really miss him.  Dammit.

It's hard to feel the second harvest energy in the midst of all of this.  I think about the two corn husks that I released into the moving river to carry my wishes to the Goddess.  One was for joy and the other was for a happy life with Eric.  We hit on some key points in our communications issues when we were talking on Friday night and it was a VERY exciting development.  I wanted to compound on that and on the joy I was feeling in my life.  Did I get too greedy?  Did I complain about the dog one too many times at harvest time?  Was it just that the dog was not meant to be here?  I don't believe that the Universe is vicious and vindictive, but I do believe it it methodical and effective.  pfft.  Who knows.   Regardless, I'm at my desk typing and my feet are cold and my house is far too quiet. 


I know only time is going to get me out of this, but I have a feeling a vacation will help clear my head (not that THAT is likely to happen any time soon).   Maybe that will be my harvest boon.  :)  I'm thinking hotel rooms, room service, lots of sleep, jacuzzi, sex and good food. 

Now I've looked at THIS for another hour, longer really since I started it at 9am and it's now 2:30, so I guess I'll close.  If I'm not around for a few days, just know that I'm recuperating and healing.

Much love,

PS:  Be good to yourself.