September 26, 2003
Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 61. Yesterday was my grandmother's birthday. She would have been... I dunno. Old. Eighty-eight, I think. They both died this year. Two generations of me wiped out in 9 months time, the amount of time it takes to grow a baby.
It feels odd to be the oldest one left. Sure, I've got aunts and uncles and children, so it's not as though the family line is obliterated or anything. Given some of the nuts on our family tree, I'm not sure that would be a bad thing. As far as the directly backs, though, I'm it. No parents, no grandparents, no great grandparents. Top of the totem pole, the genes stop here.
I've been missing Mom a lot lately. I expect I'll do a homage to her tonight, honoring her birth. I'm grateful to have known her and to have her for my mom, even if we weren't close for a lot of my adult years. Different worlds... more like different planets, but lots of love. She was an intense woman and until a couple of years ago, a hard person to know. Everything was drama, drama, drama and very loud. In her last two years, she was happier than I'd ever known her to be and that made her much easier to be around. I saw her in person last in 1995. I wish I'd been able to see her before she died. Just to give her a hug and tell her how much I love her.
I tell her every single day now. I wish I had done that when she was alive.
* * *
Eric found out today that he is being laid off, presumably for 2 weeks. The funniest thing (I'm not talking funny ha ha) is that just yesterday, his boss assured him that they were looking at 4 months of solid work at least. It's a strange old world. Time to (again) pull in the reins and tighten up the loose bits so that no extraneous funds are going out anywhere. Different verse, same as the first.
I keep chanting the firm belief, "Nothing that happens at harvest time is a bad thing," so I'm going to focus on the good things in my life and pour energy into them and let the other stuff work itself out. We've gotten through worse than this before, so I'm just going to hang on until the ride slows down. At least I'll get to spend some time with Eric (and he can watch kids while I clean or vice versa).
I might even be able to get that garage cleaned.
* * *
Little did I know that there is a whole battalion of Judging Amy fans out there and I'm a latecomer! Thank you for all of your wonderful letters about this show. We really should set up a message board just to yak about all of the shows we like (Scrubs, Amy, ER, Raising Arizona, O Brother, etc) and suggest other things people might be missing.
I was also very pleased to hear from many of you that Maxine stays just as cool in future episodes. It's settled. I want to be Maxine when I grow up. Now I have a destination rather than a meandering journey with no clear direction.
* * *
Nathan has decided to make up for his evil screaming days by being a sweet little darling today. (I can fully endorse that. He really does owe me) Delena's class is going skating today and beginning Monday, the kids will be off school for two weeks (ironically, the same two weeks Eric is laid off). This should be really interesting, at least as interesting as we can make it. Whoo hooo! Wonder what kind of madness we can get into if we plan it out right? No way are we going with another Dad-sleeps-in-til-one-while-everyone-mopes thing. Gotta make it different or Mom will go quite mad.
How can I make this work for me??? (rubs hands together in that mantis way)
* * *
Got my voters' registration back last week, so I'm all set to go determine the fate of California. Wish me well as I go into the trenches of my voting rights in a little over a week!
* * *
It appears by all social dictates that I should likely shower, dress (bein's as how it's noon and all) and start cleaning house.
Let's focus on highest and best and fully and completely believe that no matter how things look, we're still sailing straight into our own greatest good. I think the times when we muck things up are when we get all worrisome and fretting and deciding that we know more than God or the Universe about what we need. We know what we want and can't imagine that something as vast as whatever guides all of this could come up with something even more fabulous than our little pea brains could conquer up.
I'm gonna trust and Faith hasn't let me down yet. If it ain't broke, I ain't gonna get aggressive about fixing it. Based on results (thanks, Phil), I'm staying with complete Faith, Trust and as much Grace as I can muster up while cleaning my nasty house. (I think I should commission Eric to help me do it, what do you folks think??)
Deep breath. Breathe out. Let go of the rest of the doubt and baby, it's ON!! BRING IN DAT HARVEST AND MAKE IT A GOOD ONE!