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September 18, 2003
Yep.
It's a new day. I'm feeling much better
and I think the last of the ick has left.
The good news is that the worst day of this week
and a half depression wasn't nearly as bad as
the best day in the time prior to a year or two
ago. I really feel like I was reborn in
the time when Eric was laid off last year.
I think I went into the cocoon maybe around 1996
when Paul left for the last time (after almost
20 years of him coming and going and going and
coming - and always too soon - *wink*) and I was
working on growing and evolving and becoming and
the finally it took something that would seem
destructive to break me out of the cocoon and
show me what I had become during all that time I
was closed off from the world. Before
then, I didn't have any idea what I wanted in
life, what would ever make me happy or even how
to go about being happy. I was a miserable
person who made way through each day like a
challenge to be surmounted or some infliction to
be endured. There were times when I
thought I was happy, but it seemed as though
Life waited for those times to knock me back
down again and show me "my place" in the world,
which was under the heel of whatever oppressor,
be it a person or a situation, was my major
nemesis of the moment. During the time
when it looked like we stood to lose almost
everything, the things that are the most
important to me came starkly into focus and a
new way of dealing with the world revealed
itself. That's why I was fairly taken
aback when this latest bout of depression hit.
I just wasn't used to it any more and had pretty
well forgotten how to recognize it or deal with
it. Fortunately, it went away quickly and
as I said, wasn't like "the old days." I
remember a time when Eric came to be and said,
"Can you please think of one thing that would
make you happy so that I can create it?
I'd just like for you to be happy for a few
minutes even." It seemed like no matter
what happened to us, even the most wonderful
things, I'd be cringing, waiting for the blow to
come. It wasn't within me to walk
confidently into the world, knowing that
whatever happened to us would ultimately be for
the greatest good. Faith and grace were
qualities I couldn't understand or imagine, much
less embody.
One of the
things that turned me around, and I can't even
remember where the idea first presented itself,
was the Lesson of the Grateful Child. It
says that if one considers their interpretation
of Deity, be it God or a Goddess or The One or
The Creator or Allah or The Source or whatever,
to be something of a parent figure, then you
follow it all the way through. Even those
who are not parents can think back on their own
interactions with children and relate to the
analogy.
What child is
the most appealing? Which one do you most
want to please and which one exasperates you?
Which child has a look of delight on their face
when you do something special for them and which
one scowls and pushes it away? Who won't
even try a new food they might love because
they've already decided they don't like it and
who takes a tiny, adventurous taste and then
enjoys the new food with gusto? Who moves
confidently through the world with delight and
joy and who pulls and tugs and clings and
constantly says, "I want... I want... I want...
Gimme... Gimme... Gimme... Do it for me, do it
for me?" Who is the Varuca Salt of mundane
children ("I want a golden goose NOW, Daddy!!!"
and who is Charlie Bucket?
How many
times does God (for the purpose of using a
commonly accepted word) show us a road less
traveled or a plan that doesn't match what we
had in mind, only to have us balk and complain
and shrink away, refusing to even try?
(But complaining because they're stuck in the
same mess they were in last year and the year
before that) How many times do people
begin to beg and plead for their personal Deity
to help them out of a situation and make things
right before they even try to tackle the
situation on their own? How many times to
people pray for a certain thing to happen rather
than going out to make it happen? How
often do they expect the answer to find its way
to them rather than creating paths for it to
follow to get there? Why do we make God
work so hard to help us?
Doesn't a
parent enjoy pleasing a grateful, loving, joyful
child rather than doing what it takes to shut up
the one who whines and complains and begs
constantly?
One thing I
have learned that is reinforced to me almost
daily is that unlike the natural, physical
world, in the spiritual world, like attracts
like. What you put out there is what
you get back and what you draw to you and your
world. We have to be proactive in creating
around us the world we want to live in rather
than waiting for it to manifest. The
fastest way to be disappointed is to hold your
happiness ransom based on the action of others,
the very thing you CAN'T control. If you
depend on others to feel a certain way or act a
certain way, then they have that much power over
you. That means you have then lost another
chunk of the ability to create your own destiny.
If you wait for someone to change into a
different person in order to facilitate your
happiness ("I know some day he'll appreciate my
faithfulness and stop cheating on me." "I
know some day my friend will stop taking
advantage of me."), you're going to continue to
have that energy in your life. If YOU get
proactive about change ("I have been a good wife
to you. I am no longer willing to share
you with other women and have their sexual
behavior be responsible for me getting a
disease. Either you stop cheating or we
aren't going to have this relationship any
more." "I have been thinking about some of
the things that have happened between us and I
think maybe I haven't been fair to you. I
haven't let you honestly know what I need from a
friend and as a result, I've found that my
feelings are constantly being hurt and I'm
starting to resent that. I love you and I
want to make sure you know that when ________
happens, it hurts me and I hope you wouldn't
want to intentionally hurt me. I hope that
telling you this can help our relationship grow
and be a happier place for both of us."), then
you will more quickly find The Universe meeting
you more than half way to create the life that
is for your greatest good and greatest
happiness.
The trick is
knowing when to make a move and when to let go
and let God, so to speak. Proactive is
good, as long as it's creating positive change.
Sometimes, you have to let go of all conceived
possibilities, throw up your hands and say, "OK,
fine, YOU take it!" and let go of the wheel.
The thing is
that once we truly, with soul bared and heart
and arms opened, ask God or the Universe or Life
or whatever to put us on the path to our
greatest good and happiness, life starts to
shift all around us in incredible ways.
This practice is present in nearly every
religion. In Paganism, it's "putting my
life in the hands of the Goddess." In
Christianity, it's "laying it all at the feet of
Jesus." Regardless, it's about
relinquishing your control over a situation and
allowing higher powers to dictate what happens
next and after that and after that. It's a
weird feeling, as though you were in the process
of working one of those
sliding-tile-that-makes-a-picture puzzles, but
no matter how you slide it around, you just
can't get the picture right. You
give it up and stand back as the tiles scoot
around in ways you never thought would make any
sense (Wait! Why are you moving it there!
Hold on! That can't work!) and then out of
nowhere, you see the picture and it all makes
sense. You can see how a tile was in the
totally wrong place before and had to be moved
away. You can see how taking this path and
moving things this way put you right where you
need to be.
I've seen it
happen so many times, in so many ways, where
something that I fought tooth and nail to avoid
doing (like divorcing my first, who was also my
second, husband) turned out to be the key
element that changed my life in a fabulous way I
couldn't possibly imagine before it happened.
That's where faith comes in. Knowing when
to get assertive and when to let go is where
listening to the inner voice comes in.
A lot of
times, people surround themselves with noise and
chaos to avoid hearing their inner wisdom and
the guidance it offers. When women have
severe PMS and hormonally based emotional
outburst, more often than not, it is their
spirit crying out to give attention to an area
of their life where they are starving.
What is difficult to handle is the enormity of
their expression of anger and frustration over
the problem, which they will normally either
pretend isn't a problem or suffer in silence.
Dr Christiane Northrup says that PMS and
menopause are times when we are our most
authentic selves, when we speak in truths
instead of in niceties. Our responses are
exaggerated in order to be heard, because
usually, we ignore the messages. While the
problem may not be as intense enough to warrant
the outbursts we often inflict on others, the
root of the problem is definitely a situation
that needs adjustment or else we wouldn't have
the kindling on which to build the fire.
If you are seeing a recurring theme to your
hormonal rages (or tiffs, whatever), try giving
the source of the problem some serious thought
and attention during your non-hormonally peaked
times.
Jeez, look
who's rambling here! (See how deftly I get
out of cleaning my house, which I really, really
need to do?) I just open the floodgates
and start rambling and justify not shoving the
vacuum around the house and spitcleaning here
and there. ;o)
So my inner
voices, which I can't seem to still with TV or
music, are telling me I really, really should
make a show of effort and get this house in
order, so I'm going to practice what I preach
and get moving! Wonder how much I can
accomplish in 4 hours or so if I really put some
ass into it? Today, I've cleaned my office
carpet, given the 5 hermit crabs a bath and
changed the turtles' water (I just cleaned them
on Monday, so those guys must have one hell of a
party in there to funk it up in just 3 days).
Of course, that was all done about 4 hours ago,
so I guess it's time to get moving again.
Wish me luck!
Love,
Katrina
PS: If you
want more modern mythologies like The Lesson of
the Grateful Child, you can find them here:
http://www.eyeonsoaps.com/croneofcawdor/myths.htm
There's a bit
of Pagany stuff in the very beginning that
you'll have to overlook if you don't enjoy such
things, but the stories themselves are not
specific to any particular spiritual path.
11
July 2003.
Artwork by ©Jody
Bergsma . Used with Permission
All Graphics © Sysster Designs
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