September 17, 2003

It just doesn't seem like it should already be the 17th.

Fall is definitely upon us and I have been waiting for it for several weeks now.

I have figured out the reason for my depression, which is a good bit of the process of getting out of it, but doesn't make the now part of it a whole lot easier.

Eric has been wonderful about my disinterest in cleaning house or doing much beyond hiding in the bed and making injured animal sounds.  (This is so very much not like me).  I think I'm about to hit the wall on his generosity of spirit after a solid week and a half because this morning, he was a little huffy about the 4-5 loads of clean clothes in the bedroom that he has to dig through every morning to find his clothes.  My thinking is that he can always sort through, get out his own clothes and put them away if he's feeling huffy.  He was using sentences that start with "Listen..." this morning and that's never a good thing.  "Listen, we really have to do something with these clothes.  I'll help you when I get home tonight if you like."  I presented a counter offer, since we have a couple of loads of clothes worn in the past 3-4 days.  I could wash those and put them away and just ignore the 4-5 other loads or burn them or something.  He almost scowled.  Then he got the insane idea that I was joking, ruffled my head and gave me that "silly little monkey" grin.  I'm debating the amount of stink and trouble it would take to burn them, but also, we have one of those fabulous "neighborhood clean up" days next week where the city comes along and scrapes up a mountain of crap from your garage/house that you've piled onto your curbside.  I should put those clothes in that mountain of crap.  If we haven't used them in the last week or so, are we likely to?

So clearly, Eric is confused about what we "have to" do.  We have to breathe in and out and that's only because if we pass out because we choose not to, we'll just start automatically doing it.  I don't even buy the death and taxes thing because on the death thing, in theory, we all have to die but we don't know that some incredible life sustaining and prolonging *thing* is going to come up tomorrow and on the taxes, you can technically choose not to pay.  Granted, life gets complicated, but you *can* choose not to do it.  Nope, just breathing.  That's the only thing I can think of that one really HAS to do.

Least of all, wrangling laundry when you're depressed.

So being Virgo and all, I have a plan.  I'm going to wash those new loads of clothes and go the distance of actually getting them into the drawers and closets.  I'm then going to take the (obviously, or they'd be the the new loads) nonessential clothes and jam them into my closet until I'm ready to deal with them.  I'll do a basic clean on the house so that it looks all kinds of nice and we'll have one happy husband when he gets home.  Problem solved. 

It's all a matter of getting to the real root and truth of the problem.  The problem isn't the clothes, per se.  The problem is Eric's frustration in not being able to find clothes for work (very justified) and having to look at the clothes piles (also justified, but subjective).  So rather than spending a couple of hours folding clothes and putting them away, I spend about 10 minutes making a place in my closet and jamming those suckers in for later management.

David mentioned something about coming over tonight if he feels better, which means he doesn't mind babysitting.  (yayy!)  I may write a check at Albertson's for over the amount (takes 2 days to clear without fail and cannot take less) and go out to eat with hubby.  Man, do I ever need a break.  Clean house, clothes in the drawers, a sweet date and it turns into a good night.  That should help turn things around.

Eric and the guys found out yesterday that they did not get the bid on the subdivision they were counting on so strongly.  It was odd, because the company specifically called them to negotiate the bid so that the amounts would be ones that were good for everyone concerned and then at the last second, I guess they somehow got underbid.  They are not destroyed, but are close to it.  They have a few small jobs lined up, but not enough to sustain three employees and their families.  I'm so grateful that Eric is still working for his other job and likely will be for the foreseeable future.  The other two guys are both unemployed.   We are so blessed compared to where we were last year and even back in July of this year.

When Sage came up to visit last weekend, he brought these huge bags of herbs he knew I'd use:  rosemary, lavender, purple sage, cedar, sagebrush, mint and rose geranium.  I had them laid out on the table to dry and again, I was thinking big picture instead of getting to the problem.  I was trying to find time to get the dried herbs stored away and labeled.  Instead, I put them in big paper bags in my garage for now.  Problem solved. 

I have both Dylan and Delena home today.  Neither were feeling particularly well, so they were dragging in getting ready to go to school, so I just let them stay home.  It feels good to have them here.  I'm a little unsteady because of some things that have happened (next paragraph) and I'm happier having them at home, for today anyway.  Today, I need for life to be very simple and peaceful.

I know from experience that this is the time of year when a lot of living things die.  It's not just the leaves and plants in the field, but animals and people for whom the cold Winter would be to difficult to endure.  I can feel that my old little dog, Dixie, is getting the call to go and is fighting it.  She's, what, 18 now.  She's been totally blind from glaucoma for over a year now, but always has a happy disposition.  Now, she seems like she's winding down quickly.  I got a phone call last night saying that my grandmother had died.  It wasn't a surprise.  I'd been called over the weekend and told that she had three different terminal illnesses and was bleeding out pretty badly and uncontrollably. 

I spoke about her at length here, almost a year ago.  They gave her less than six months and she lasted almost a year AND managed to attend a camp meeting (and get thrown out of it).  She was nothing if not passionate, evangelical and committed to strong-arming souls to the Lord.  As it turned out, her ministers license was revoked because of the camp meeting fracas.   I didn't know they could do that.  According to the person who told me (who was close to my grandmother), she wouldn't have had her license revoked if she'd told the whole truth of the situation, which she didn't because to do so, she would have had to divulge a confidence and implicate another person.  She felt that her ministry was a covenant with God and not with man, so she'd rather lose her license than bring someone else into it.  At least that left me with a nice story of my grandmother before she died.  It was like a gift she gave to me.

That means that of both direct lines of my family, I am the oldest.  I am still having trouble processing that.  I have aunts and uncles and cousins and such, but as far as direct line, I'm where the buck stops.  Funny old world.

Since I found out about Grandma, I've felt the depression abating somewhat and I feel more of my real self coming back in.  If I can kick this headache and get my house in shape, I think everything else will follow suit.  Second Harvest kicks in on Sunday and Mercury goes direct on Friday, so I'm prepared to write the last week and a half off to an amalgam of Weird Shit and just press forward.  I'm tired of analyzing everything to death and I've come to believe that some things just *are*. 

Ahh.  My favorite episode of ER is on.  It's the one where Peter Benton goes to Laverne, Mississippi on an outreach program.  Life's getting better already.

Talk to you later.


A Funny:

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
 exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
 little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
 you think I'll live to be 80?"
 He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
 "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
 Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?" I said
 "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
 "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he said.
 "No, I don't," I said.
 He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy
 women?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
 He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be

Another Funny:

A husband and wife were barely speaking to one another after
a particularly volatile argument.  As they past a farm with a number
of donkeys and cows around, the husband snarled,
"Relatives of yours, I'm guessing?" 
"Yep," the wife quipped.  "In-laws."