September 17, 2003
It just doesn't
seem like it should already be the 17th.
Fall is definitely
upon us and I have been waiting for it
for several weeks now.
I have figured out
the reason for my depression, which is a
good bit of the process of getting out
of it, but doesn't make the now part of
it a whole lot easier.
Eric has been
wonderful about my disinterest in
cleaning house or doing much beyond
hiding in the bed and making injured
animal sounds. (This is so very
much not like me). I think I'm
about to hit the wall on his generosity
of spirit after a solid week and a half
because this morning, he was a little
huffy about the 4-5 loads of clean
clothes in the bedroom that he has to
dig through every morning to find his
clothes. My thinking is that he
can always sort through, get out his own
clothes and put them away if he's
feeling huffy. He was using
sentences that start with "Listen..."
this morning and that's never a good
thing. "Listen, we really have to
do something with these clothes.
I'll help you when I get home tonight if
you like." I presented a counter
offer, since we have a couple of loads
of clothes worn in the past 3-4 days.
I could wash those and put them away and
just ignore the 4-5 other loads or burn
them or something. He almost
scowled. Then he got the insane
idea that I was joking, ruffled my head
and gave me that "silly little monkey"
grin. I'm debating the amount of
stink and trouble it would take to burn
them, but also, we have one of those
fabulous "neighborhood clean up" days
next week where the city comes along and
scrapes up a mountain of crap from your
garage/house that you've piled onto your
curbside. I should put those
clothes in that mountain of crap.
If we haven't used them in the last week
or so, are we likely to?
So clearly, Eric
is confused about what we "have to" do.
We have to breathe in and out and that's
only because if we pass out because we
choose not to, we'll just start
automatically doing it. I don't
even buy the death and taxes thing
because on the death thing, in theory,
we all have to die but we don't know
that some incredible life sustaining and
prolonging *thing* is going to come up
tomorrow and on the taxes, you can
technically choose not to pay.
Granted, life gets complicated, but you
*can* choose not to do it. Nope,
just breathing. That's the only
thing I can think of that one really HAS
Least of all,
wrangling laundry when you're depressed.
So being Virgo and
all, I have a plan. I'm going to
wash those new loads of clothes and go
the distance of actually getting them
into the drawers and closets. I'm
then going to take the (obviously, or
they'd be the the new loads)
nonessential clothes and jam them into
my closet until I'm ready to deal with
them. I'll do a basic clean on the
house so that it looks all kinds of nice
and we'll have one happy husband when he
gets home. Problem solved.
It's all a matter
of getting to the real root and truth of
the problem. The problem isn't
the clothes, per se. The
problem is Eric's frustration in not
being able to find clothes for work
(very justified) and having to look at
the clothes piles (also justified, but
subjective). So rather than
spending a couple of hours folding
clothes and putting them away, I spend
about 10 minutes making a place in my
closet and jamming those suckers in for
something about coming over tonight if
he feels better, which means he doesn't
mind babysitting. (yayy!) I
may write a check at Albertson's for
over the amount (takes 2 days to clear
without fail and cannot take less) and
go out to eat with hubby. Man, do
I ever need a break. Clean house,
clothes in the drawers, a sweet date and
it turns into a good night. That
should help turn things around.
Eric and the guys
found out yesterday that they did not
get the bid on the subdivision they were
counting on so strongly. It was
odd, because the company specifically
called them to negotiate the bid so that
the amounts would be ones that were good
for everyone concerned and then at the
last second, I guess they somehow got
underbid. They are not destroyed,
but are close to it. They have a
few small jobs lined up, but not enough
to sustain three employees and their
families. I'm so grateful that
Eric is still working for his other job
and likely will be for the foreseeable
future. The other two guys are
both unemployed. We are so
blessed compared to where we were last
year and even back in July of this year.
When Sage came up
to visit last weekend, he brought these
huge bags of herbs he knew I'd use:
rosemary, lavender, purple sage, cedar,
sagebrush, mint and rose geranium.
I had them laid out on the table to dry
and again, I was thinking big picture
instead of getting to the problem.
I was trying to find time to get the
dried herbs stored away and labeled.
Instead, I put them in big paper bags in
my garage for now. Problem solved.
I have both Dylan
and Delena home today. Neither
were feeling particularly well, so they
were dragging in getting ready to go to
school, so I just let them stay home.
It feels good to have them here.
I'm a little unsteady because of some
things that have happened (next
paragraph) and I'm happier having them
at home, for today anyway. Today,
I need for life to be very simple and
I know from
experience that this is the time of year
when a lot of living things die.
It's not just the leaves and plants in
the field, but animals and people for
whom the cold Winter would be to
difficult to endure. I can feel
that my old little dog, Dixie, is
getting the call to go and is fighting
it. She's, what, 18 now.
She's been totally blind from glaucoma
for over a year now, but always has a
happy disposition. Now, she seems
like she's winding down quickly. I
got a phone call last night saying that
my grandmother had died. It wasn't
a surprise. I'd been called over
the weekend and told that she had three
different terminal illnesses and was
bleeding out pretty badly and
I spoke about her
here, almost a year ago. They
gave her less than six months and she
lasted almost a year AND managed to
attend a camp meeting (and get thrown
out of it). She was nothing if not
passionate, evangelical and committed to
strong-arming souls to the Lord.
As it turned out, her ministers license
was revoked because of the camp meeting
fracas. I didn't know they
could do that. According to the
person who told me (who was close to my
grandmother), she wouldn't have had her
license revoked if she'd told the whole
truth of the situation, which she didn't
because to do so, she would have had to
divulge a confidence and implicate
another person. She felt that her
ministry was a covenant with God and not
with man, so she'd rather lose her
license than bring someone else into it.
At least that left me with a nice story
of my grandmother before she died.
It was like a gift she gave to me.
That means that of
both direct lines of my family, I am the
oldest. I am still having trouble
processing that. I have aunts and
uncles and cousins and such, but as far
as direct line, I'm where the buck
stops. Funny old world.
Since I found out
about Grandma, I've felt the depression
abating somewhat and I feel more of my
real self coming back in. If I can
kick this headache and get my house in
shape, I think everything else will
follow suit. Second Harvest kicks
in on Sunday and Mercury goes direct on
Friday, so I'm prepared to write the
last week and a half off to an amalgam
of Weird Shit and just press forward.
I'm tired of analyzing everything to
death and I've come to believe that some
things just *are*.
favorite episode of ER is on. It's
the one where Peter Benton goes to
Laverne, Mississippi on an outreach
program. Life's getting better
Talk to you later.
I recently picked a new primary care
physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was
doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I
couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco
or drink beer?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye
steaks and barbequed ribs?" I said
"No, I've heard that all red meat is
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,
like playing golf?" he said.
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast
cars, or fool around with sexy
women?" "No," I said. "I don't do any
of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do
you give a shit if you live to be
A husband and wife were barely speaking
to one another after
a particularly volatile argument.
As they past a farm with a number
of donkeys and cows around, the husband
"Relatives of yours, I'm guessing?"
"Yep," the wife quipped.