September 16, 2003

Ah yes.  I remember this.  It's what it feels like to be depressed and as I recall, I'm not very good at it.  >:<  I don't know if it's the Mercury retrograde or the failing diet or being with kids 24/7 while Eric works or no meditation time or not enough sleep or Eric being bitchy this weekend or whatever.  I just know that last week, I couldn't seem to get the house jive going and Eric was ridiculously sympathetic and understanding.  I thought I had it licked last night when I started feeling better, but I woke up this morning, saw .32 in the bank with checks coming in.  It was simple miscommunication.  I had set aside enough money for us to get through this week, I bought some groceries out of it and let Eric know how much we had left.  What I didn't know and wasn't told >:< was that on Thursday and Friday, he put $10 lunches and $14 a day parking (he's working in downtown Sacramento now) on the ATM card and it didn't post until last night, which wiped out all we had left.  Normally, it wouldn't have been a problem, but this payday was my birthday and Nathan's, so I had things tightened down pretty close to the wire.  We'll be fine on Friday, but in the meantime (yikes) it's going to be interesting.  This is a familiar place as well and certainly not the most challenging one I've faced.  It just... is.

I really missed writing this weekend and yesterday.  It seemed like every time I was set to journal, I'd get pulled away.  At least all of the little kids are finished being sick for now, but poor David (my 23-year-old) has it now.  He's really close to the little ones, so I'm sure they gave it to him at the last babysitting date.  Dylan especially is consumed by hero worship for David, which is lovely to see.  Kids can never, ever have too many people who love them.  Once, I was bemoaning to Eric the loss of "extended family" for my children.  I grew up with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents everywhere and none of my children ever knew any of that.  Eric said, "Are you kidding?  You gave birth to an extended family for them!"  :-)  He just has a way of cutting to the core sometimes.  I did feel much better after that.

I'm also lucky that Joe married a wonderful woman, Sandra, so that's one more fabulous person that my children have in their lives, even if by long distance. 

Since I've been depressed, my house has really fallen by the wayside in anything resembling order or cleanliness.  There's a scene in "Raising Arizona," one of my favorite movies, where Holly Hunter is sitting on the corner of her bed, one sock on, one off, looking dim-eyed as a voice over from her husband, H.I., says she has "lost interest" in house cleaning.  The room around her is a total wreck and she just stares blankly.  I think that's where I am now. 

The time in the days passes quickly.  Almost as soon as I wake up, the kids are back home and Eric is walking in the door and I can't account for anything I did that day.  I mean, it's 1:15 right now and I'm still in jammies.  Granted, most of my clothes can double either way, but still, *I* know.  I'm sleepy and feeling really dulled.

Mabon/Autumn Equinox is on Saturday, so maybe I'll perk up by then, plus Mercury goes direct on Friday. 

Meanwhile, I can sit here and fuss about how monkeyballs I feel or I can get up, get dressed and clean my house.  At least then I can mope in a clean house.

I was in such a nice place for so long.  I need to figure out what's yanking my chain.  I think I need "alone" time to do that, but I have a feeling if I got alone time, I wouldn't be depressed any more.  :)

I've been enjoying working on The Diva Digest for a change of pace.  Maybe I'm just bored.  I think actually it's because it's such a place of empowerment that reminds me of who I was and will be again.  Right now, I'm just  a tired, depressed old woman.

Ignore me.  Move along (I wave my hand weakly).  Go... find something fun to do.

I'll be "back" soon.  Just have to get my pencil sharpened upstairs a bit.