|
 
September 16, 2003
Ah yes. I
remember this.
It's what it feels like
to be depressed and as I
recall, I'm not very
good at it. >:<
I don't know if it's the
Mercury retrograde or
the failing diet or
being with kids 24/7
while Eric works or no
meditation time or not
enough sleep or Eric
being bitchy this
weekend or whatever.
I just know that last
week, I couldn't seem to
get the house jive going
and Eric was
ridiculously sympathetic
and understanding.
I thought I had it
licked last night when I
started feeling better,
but I woke up this
morning, saw .32 in the
bank with checks coming
in. It was simple
miscommunication.
I had set aside enough
money for us to get
through this week, I
bought some groceries
out of it and let Eric
know how much we had
left. What I
didn't know and wasn't
told >:< was that on
Thursday and Friday, he
put $10 lunches and $14
a day parking (he's
working in downtown
Sacramento now) on the
ATM card and it didn't
post until last night,
which wiped out all we
had left.
Normally, it wouldn't
have been a problem, but
this payday was my
birthday and Nathan's,
so I had things
tightened down pretty
close to the wire.
We'll be fine on Friday,
but in the meantime
(yikes) it's going to be
interesting. This
is a familiar place as
well and certainly not
the most challenging one
I've faced. It
just... is.
I really missed
writing this weekend and
yesterday. It
seemed like every time I
was set to journal, I'd
get pulled away.
At least all of the
little kids are finished
being sick for now, but
poor David (my
23-year-old) has it now.
He's really close to the
little ones, so I'm sure
they gave it to him at
the last babysitting
date. Dylan
especially is consumed
by hero worship for
David, which is lovely
to see. Kids can
never, ever have too
many people who love
them. Once, I was
bemoaning to Eric the
loss of "extended
family" for my children.
I grew up with cousins
and aunts and uncles and
grandparents everywhere
and none of my children
ever knew any of that.
Eric said, "Are you
kidding? You gave
birth to an extended
family for them!"
:-) He just has a
way of cutting to the
core sometimes. I
did feel much better
after that.
I'm also lucky that
Joe married a wonderful
woman, Sandra, so that's
one more fabulous person
that my children have in
their lives, even if by
long distance.
Since I've been
depressed, my house has
really fallen by the
wayside in anything
resembling order or
cleanliness.
There's a scene in
"Raising Arizona," one
of my favorite movies,
where Holly Hunter is
sitting on the corner of
her bed, one sock on,
one off, looking
dim-eyed as a voice over
from her husband, H.I.,
says she has "lost
interest" in house
cleaning. The room
around her is a total
wreck and she just
stares blankly. I
think that's where I am
now.
The time in the days
passes quickly.
Almost as soon as I wake
up, the kids are back
home and Eric is walking
in the door and I can't
account for anything I
did that day. I
mean, it's 1:15 right
now and I'm still in
jammies. Granted,
most of my clothes can
double either way, but
still, *I* know.
I'm sleepy and feeling
really dulled.
Mabon/Autumn Equinox
is on Saturday, so maybe
I'll perk up by then,
plus Mercury goes direct
on Friday.
Meanwhile, I can sit
here and fuss about how
monkeyballs I feel or I
can get up, get dressed
and clean my house.
At least then I can mope
in a clean house.
I was in such a nice
place for so long.
I need to figure out
what's yanking my chain.
I think I need "alone"
time to do that, but I
have a feeling if I got
alone time, I wouldn't
be depressed any more.
:)
I've been enjoying
working on
The Diva Digest for
a change of pace.
Maybe I'm just bored.
I think actually it's
because it's such a
place of empowerment
that reminds me of who I
was and will be again.
Right now, I'm just
a tired, depressed old
woman.
Ignore me. Move
along (I wave my hand
weakly). Go...
find something fun to
do.
I'll be "back" soon.
Just have to get my
pencil sharpened
upstairs a bit.
Love,
Katrina
|