Katrina's Nonsoapy Journal

September 15, 2004

Harvest moon is coming!  We're into the ascent from New Moon to Harvest Full Moon and what a wonderful harvest it has been.  I can't even begin to process all that has happened in the past year.  As I look back over my journal archives from a year ago, I'm surprised at how sad I was.  Eric was struggling with his fledgling business, trying to get it off the ground.  I was hiding in bed, depressed and not cleaning my house (now I'm happy and not cleaning my house).  My grandmother had just died, which brought up its own set of challenges, especially with my mother dying in January of that year.  We thought if we ever lost our house, it would be because we couldn't make the rent.  What a surprise that it came through the owner selling our rental house.

It has been such an amazing year.  I never would have dreamed a year ago that I would be where I am now.  I am convinced that it's through the positive thoughts of all of the dear people who read this journal that we have been able to get through the hardest times of our life together and end up in such a good place, literally and figuratively.  There are still definitely challenges to face (I had to laugh when I read in the September 16, 2004 entry that Eric had been a butt nugget the weekend before, because he had quite a hair up his butt this weekend as well.  Maybe it's cyclic.  :)  Anyway, the hair has been extricated and he is reborn back into his usual loving, wonderful self) and battles to win, but now, more than ever, I am convinced that we are all working unerringly toward our greatest good at all times.  When we fight and fuss and cry and battle against where the Universe is leading us, our greatest good is still there, waiting patiently for us, while we get beaten to shit trying our best to get in our own way.  How many times have we been shown again and again that a relationship is bad for us or we need to leave a particular job?  We get the spark, down in our gut that we need a major change.  That spark flames up into our spirit and catches hold, then hits our head and the excuses start.  "But I can't be without a job!"  "But I love him!"  "But I'm scared!"  "What will I do if I don't have this?"  "How can I live without..." and then it's pushed aside for a while.  We keep getting bugged about it again and again, because our heads can ignore the flame and even turn down the flame, but the spark doesn't die.  We start to get more and more signs that *this* (whatever it is) is not where we need to be and we either give in and take a chance or we continue to ignore it while the urgings grow and grow.  If we continue to ignore where we are being led, more often than not, the situation eventually explodes and choices are taken our of our hands, inevitably landing us exactly where we would have been had we listened to that spark in the first place, just a little more beaten, a little more shell shocked and a little more disadvantaged.

People are usually terrified to take a leap of faith and leave a situation that appears to be secure and necessary in favor of a free fall.  We instantly start questioning and doubting ourselves until we've talked ourselves out of taking that step.  We don't trust the process or believe that taking a chance can pay off.  We're frightened.  We're intellectualizing the process.  We can't imagine what could possibly take the place of what we'd lose.  I've been there a million times.  My relationship with Paul, my ex-husband, is a perfect example of this.  I was given 10,000 chances to leave.  I was given 100,000 nudges to go.  I was worried about how the kids would handle it.  I was worried about how I'd get by financially.  I was worried that I'd never be with anyone again.  I questioned it into the ground while I would lie awake at night, propped up on one elbow, watching him sleep and wondering if I could kill him and collect the insurance and not get caught.  Living with alcoholism will do that to you.  But I loved him.  I loved him truly, madly, deeply.  I shouldn't have.  But I did.  When I look back now at photos of him, I remember how much he meant to me and how I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him.  It still makes me feel sad.  In the end, he left me for someone else and the divorce was NOT negotiable.  I ignored the urgings and ended up in exactly the same place, just hurting more than I would have if I'd left when I first got the nudge.  I was furious that I'd given this much to this man, only to be treated this way. I was furious with the Universe for betraying me like this.  How could I know that I was only year away from an amazing love that was mutual and giving and exciting?  In my mind, I'd lost everything.  I'd invested all I had and gotten a pile of shit in return.

It took a long for me to gain enough perspective to see that I'd been ripped from a situation in which joy was not just elusive, it was nonexistent with no hope of ever growing.  I could never be a good mother, a good wife or a good ME as long as I was with him.  Because I adamantly refused to acknowledge this and bow out gracefully, so basically, I was brutally extricated from the situation and tossed out on my ass. 

The situation with our house was another.  Eric wanted to buy a house and I argued him down over and over, convinced we needed to have a year of stable employment behind us before we became home owners.  That choice was yanked away when our house was being sold out from under us, we didn't have money for security deposits and couldn't afford the inflated prices of houses in our area. This town kept calling us when we'd never heard of it before we found it in the real estate listings.  I told Eric, "Go find a house for me."  And he did.  Despite 87,000 reasons why it shouldn't happen and more than a handful of times when it looked like it should have bottomed out, it worked.  I've kicked and bitched and fought about the isolation, the lack of stores and movies and thrift stores, but you know? I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I know it.  I can feel it.  The spark is there and it cannot and will not be denied.  Eric's spark was ignited not only by the feeling that he'd "come home" when he first got here and that this wonderful place had been waiting for him, but by this:

That is the only picture he took of the kitchen of this house when he checked out the house (which is likely a good thing since the kitchen is roughly the size of a postage stamp).  11:11 has been his lucky number forever and it was right there on the kitchen clock when he walked into the kitchen.  That's when he knew that no matter what, the house was his.

We'd all be so much better off if we'd work harder to trust our instincts and live our lives "on purpose," in harmony with our hunches and the guidance of our spirit rather than arguing it into the ground.  It's hard to really and truly have faith.  We can talk a good talk, but when push comes to shove and it's time to take that leap of Faith and freefall into the black abyss, how often do we back away at the last minute, stammering out a laundry list of reasons why we just can't take that chance?  We demand assurances of what we'll get if we jump.  Show me the net!  Show me what's on the other side!  Tell me the trade off?  What will I get if I give this up?

A friend from my past used to say that a leap of faith is when the Universe says, "Will you give up everything for a promise of nothing?"  It goes all hard nosed and refuses to give up the answers until we have stepped off the edge and jumped into the void empty handed and with willing spirit, not out of desperation, but out of trust and faith.  Those words are thrown around casually so often, but few people really know what to do when they are faced with a leap of faith.  It's hard to walk the talk and truly trust that we're being led to a good thing, even if it's in the dark.  Sometimes, what's coming is so wonderful that we can't even conjure up its equal in our minds.  As humans, we think too small and so it has to stay in the dark until we're ready to know and embrace and fully comprehend the gift we are being given.  I also think that the more we are asked to give him, the more wonderful the outcome will be.  Like the old saying goes, you can't put new things into a full cup.  Some of the old has to spill out first.  I believe that is part of the concept of sacrifice, that we have to be willing to give up in order to receive.  Out with the old and in with the new!

I'm grateful for all I have received this year and my harvest has been plentiful.  I am particularly grateful to have some time to rest from the years of financial disaster and just "be" for a while.  Even though we only make enough money to cover our immediate needs, it feels good to be able to do that and not have to worry about having enough money for food and essentials.  Sure, our car is a piece of crap and threatening to dump out on one of these king sized hills at any time.  Sure, we're "in the market" for good health insurance, but immediate needs are met and we are working toward those other things.  One step at a time, one day at a time. 

How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.  :)  Meanwhile, it's a happy harvest with about 8 weeks still left to go!  A LOT can happen in 8 weeks and I'm tremendously excited to see what it is. 

Meanwhile, I need to "sacrifice" in order to "gain" by cleaning this house.  Personally, I think I need to make room for a maid in my life.  : P