August 18, 2005

I have absolutely no motivation today.  I went outside after the kids left and did more mowing (my mowing was a tremendous success yesterday, documented in the Live Journal. along with my new amazing money making idea.  : P) and ran out of gas after about 15-20 minutes, so had to abort.  I have a lot more to go, but Eric is bringing more gas tonight, so I can get it done tonight.  Plan B was to do a complete scrubby clean on the house, but it's 2pm and I haven't started yet. 

I dropped off to sleep around 8:30 last night and woke up at midnight, unable to get back to sleep.  I finally managed around 4am, but when the alarm went off at 6:15, I was a mess.  I got kids up and moving, got them out the door intact (as far as I know) and after the mower ran out of gas, I guess I did too.  I figure any minute now I'll go that "demand more of myself" route and get'er done.  I plan to start at the top with a bottle of Windex, a can of Pledge, a roll of paper towels and a trash bag and start cleaning. 

The time that the kids are gone goes so quickly.  I know they are enjoying themselves, which helps a lot.  I really enjoy this time and I didn't even realize how much until it was here.  The last week was the hardest, I think.  The kids are antsy, feeling change in the air, and fairly irritable.  I was worn out from a Summer of kids with no escape.  Our school year runs solidly with 9 months of school and 3 months of Summer vacation, so it's a long stretch of time for everyone.  By the last couple of weeks, I was pretty worn down.  Eric was a little surprised, saying, "It's just around the corner!  You're almost there!"  I felt bad for feeling bad, but then I remembered that if I were running a 100 mile marathon and was 95 miles into it, sure, the next 5 miles are nothing comparatively speaking, but that doesn't mean I'm not falling apart, worn out, shitting and pissing myself, dehydrated and exhausted for those last 5 miles!

Every year at Harvest when the Diva aspect of the Goddess comes into power, I am reminded even more so of how hard it is for me to mother now.  I ADORE my children, all 6 of them, don't get me wrong.  I don't regret having any of them and I am so grateful they are in my life, but it feels like my mothering is a finite supply and I'm almost on empty.  I'm giving it my best shot, taking one for the team, as it were, but the mothering cup is about empty.  I think if I am very careful and frugal with it, I will have just enough to get these little ones raised and independent.  It's no surprise, really.  I mean, I am into my 33rd year of mothering people.  I started taking care of my brothers when I was ten and my mother began her merry-go-round in and out of the hospital  I had Joe while I still lived at home and the Paul and I had two more sons after we were married.  Delena was my post-divorce surprise and then when I met and fell in love with Eric, he had not yet had children of his own and it was something he desperately wanted, so we had the two boys.  I did not realize how challenging it would be until Nathan was about 2.  That's when it really kicked in, so I guess it was the year I turned 40. 

I think of how difficult it is sometimes for me to redirect my thoughts and plans away from myself and focus them on the little ones. Sometimes, I have to just sweep them up in my arms and give them big hugs and kisses to keep from breaking into tears over how much I want to be doing my own thing.  I have to make this my own thing and work on my goals and dreams in the cracks.  That's why the school days are so freeing for me... until a day comes up like this when I am just out of juice to do anything.  I want to clean my house (yes, actually want to get it done), want to work in the yard, want to write on the novel, want to write a soap column that has been stirring, want to take a long, sultry nap, want to get the laundry done...  Mostly, I think I just want to feel rested again, then it will all make sense.  When I start feeling like what I do is difficult, these 33 years of mothering (I have been nurturing kids for the entire presumed length of Christ's life), I think of my friend, Kathy, who has pretty much raised her children and is now suddenly raising her for little grandchildren AND working full time.  I don't know that I could do what she's doing and definitely not with the grace she shows.

Who am I kidding?  I don't have much to say and tired or not, I need to demand more from myself and start cleaning.  If I go by what I want to do, nothing is going to get done, so I am going to have to put a little ass into it and just do it.

Hope you have an absolutely blessed day,