August 8, 2003

Howdy!!!  Thought today would be a little change of pace in the journal layout.  I've been feeling really silly and goofy lately, so thought it should reflect.  I think I'm just slaphappy from not sleeping well.  Still with the really weird dreams that oddly, make me not rest well.  I always had heard that NOT dreaming caused all sorts of mental problems, but I think having dreams like this are prone to either identifying or amplifying whatever mental problems one might already have.  :)

Last night was about my dad, who died in 1986.  I dreamed I got top secret information (go figure) that he was not dead at all, but in a mental institution (irony at its finest), sort of a Shady Rest place with bars on the windows and it was MY JOB TO BREAK HIM OUT!!  So here I am posing as a nurse, slipping into this place, finding my dad and he was about 100 pounds lighter and looked really old, kind of like my Grandpa before he died and he and I were trying to get out, but he was really disoriented and I couldn't tell if he was drugged or just into dementia or what.  About 14 hours into the dream (it seemed like it went on forever), the Authorities (fill in that anonymity with whatever authoritarian body was likely to be anti-me breaking Dad out of the nuthouse, it was never clearly defined) caught on to our nefarious escape plans and so the danger was up and Dad was asking about whether the antelope had been fed or some weirdness like that.  I woke up from the dream feeling like I'd just gotten shot out of Alice's Rabbit Hole (which sounds relatively dirty).  In the mornings, it feels like I've spent the night on some grand adventure instead of resting.  My best sleep comes after Eric leaves (hmmmm...common denominator?)  at 5am until Nathan wakes up at 7:30am.  On Monday, when Delena and Dylan go back to school, I'll be up at 6:30am to get them rolling, so that's a precious hour I'll be losing.

The Estroven helps me sleep, but doesn't do anything about the dreams.  Not sure if it's causing them (ala Wellbutrin) or not.  I start getting a little spacey and stupid around 1-2pm and I'm dozing off around 5-6pm.  It gives everything this kind of surreal, between the worlds feeling.  [Insert eerie music here so that I don't have to slow down the load time and speed up your blood pressure with a stupid midi file attached to the page].   

At least, the Estroven is really, really great at evening out the moods and I haven't had a hot flash in days.  I don't want to kill things any more (that don't deserve it), but I must confess that when I looked at the kitty to the right, I first thought she was holding a sawed off shotgun, perhaps a Mossberg.  I promise you, it gave the picture a much pithier sense of expression.  I also really enjoy that kitty fishnet look and the Babushka dress. 

I feel so silly today.  I was pouting through the day because I left a 12-pack of Diet Dr Pepper out in the trunk of the car and was really wanting a glass.  As I fitted around about it for a while, I decided to get the kids dressed and do the unthinkable:  take all three kids to the store to get some more diet caffeine free soda.  As I went out to get in the car, I was stunned that I was getting into the car, that'd be the one with the trunk and the sodas in it.  Pfft.  I guess that's about how fractured I am lately.

Other than the ditziness from time to time, it's been a very happy time since Eric turned from the Dark Side and decided to be happy for a while.  It's such a whopping job to convince someone that they really are in total control of how they perceive situations and the moods they carry with them.  I tend to forget sometimes and fall mercy to the fears and what-if's.  Sometimes, it seems like there is just too much grief, too much fear, too much uncertainty in the world to face.  I'm just glad that Eric was able to let go of it for a while and let the dark cloud that's been hanging around us drift away.  The result of the bad nasties leaving has left me feeling really giddy and giggly and very un-Diva-like.  Or maybe it's the odd sleep stuff.  Regardless, it's kind of fun.  I think if I had a hotel room with a pool and jacuzzi access, good music, some downers and a TV with no obligations or worries, I'd be dangerous.

The weather has been so lovely.  I'm very much a person who enjoys non-extremes and this wonderful 80 degree weather has been fabulous.  Most days, the air conditioner isn't needed and I just have windows open.  I plan to get a couple of fans tomorrow (ours died), as well as groceries and some school clothes and back pack for Dylan.  Delena was furnished Tuesday night.

I found some fun things to run past you.  One is a voice modulator thingy.  It's fun to put in funky things like (as a friend suggested "Bad monkey... no banana") and listen to the proper British accent pronounce it out.

Sometimes, I'm so easily amused. 

Another really funky thing that Joe showed me defies a bit of natural law and makes the mind boggle:

I could do things with that... as best as I recall.  Isn't there something a person can do with things like that?  I dunno.  Lost in the archives of history.  Sort of like Captain Kangaroo.

I leave two weeks from today for the GH Fan Weekend in Studio City, just North of Hollywood.  I went two years ago and it was such great fun.  The finances wouldn't allow it last year, sadly, but this year, things came together so that it could happen, with the help of a few friends.  In some ways, all that time to myself is a little overwhelming (ahhh).  We'll be busy rushing from event to event most of the time, so there'll be very little kick back time or alone time (although I'd love it), but I'll be gone from Friday through Sunday.  I wish it was a week.  I'll miss the kids, but I really do need this and lots more like it.  Got my camera ready, so you'll see lots of pictures and hear lots of wandering stories.

Eric is all geared up for his plunge into single parenthood for a weekend.  He always does extremely well for a few days at a time (like when I went back to Ky when my mother died).  He doesn't do any under cleaning at all, but keeps things surface clean and the kids safe and calls it a success.  Sometimes, I wish he could actually get the full effect.  A few days does little more than show him how easy I've got it.  Of course, the fact is that lately, my life has been pretty easy.  I've been cleaning the house, but not doing as much laundry as I should (no underwear?  do a load of whites!) and today, I did very little cleaning.  It was kind of the Ferris Bueller approach of "how could I possibly be expected to clean house on a beautiful day like today??"  Maybe he'll clean everything for me while I'm gone. 

>:<  I had such a let down recently!  I've been following the first season of "The Dead Zone" DVD's from Netflix and I was just bowled over by how really, really good it was.  The acting, the directing, the writing were all just superb.  As a major fan of both the Stephen King book and the first moving, starring the Mucho Delicioso Christopher Walken, I met the series with more than a good bit of skepticism.  The pilot itself totally won be over because of how awesome a production it was.  The following 10-12 episodes I watched also absolutely did not disappoint...until the last episode.

It started in a story that was covered in the book and movie, but not in the series:  the candidacy of the so eeeeevil Greg Stillson.  In the book and movie, Johnny, our psychic protagonist, sees that if elected to the presidency, Stillson will cause a nuclear disaster.  In an effort to stop him, Johnny ends up killing Stillson and being killed himself in the process.  Since he was dying anyway of a brain bleed, we were OK with that.  In the series, however, it seemed to be leading up to something big and the final episode culminated with the minister (played by David Ogden Stiers, Charles Winchester, III from MASH) engaging Johnny into Stillson's campaign, seconds after Johnny has seen the future.

The minister stands between Stillson and Johnny, raises their hands in pre-victory and Johnny cuts Stillson a look.  The end.  Roll credits.  Last DVD in the series so far.  I started looking on the net for episode guides and evidently, between those seasons was when the show shifted networks, either from USA to SciFi or vice versa and the next recorded episodes totally ignore that previous episode!!  How am I NOT supposed to know how this ended??  (Pfft, just like this, I guess!)  That, followed by my disappointment over the movie "Session 9" (HAZMAT removal team, abandoned mental hospital with a history... what's not to love?  The movie, that's what.) followed by my immense disappointment in the book "Little Altars Everywhere" by Rebecca Wells (Ya-Ya fame), has left me seriously wanting in the literary realm.

I'm looking at this webset and thinking about poor Esther at the top, waiting around every day for the man of her dreams.  As an old woman, I can full advise Esther against this and encourage her to instead work on the life of her dreams and see if the man of her dreams turns up in it.

Then I'm looking at the lady below who is shelling out the rabbits and somehow I do feel I can relate to her.  Not sure how yet.  Disturbing?  Nah.  It's the dreams.  :)

Tomorrow night, we celebrate Full Moon, dancing around the fire wid me gurls and celebrating life and love and nature.  

For now, it's time to go try and snooze for a bit before picking up things in the house to make it look cleanish and presentable. 

Or not.

Much love and wishes for an absolutely STELLAR weekend!!