July 15, 2004

Funny strange or funny haha?  I'm not laughing.  I feel like I'm in a 2x2' room and I keep backing up and running into the walls over and over again.  Allow me to say AAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!

I had a wonderful trip (part of the problem, likely) and I missed writing in my journal like crazy.  I did a lot of meditating to keep my feet on the ground and stay rooted in reality.

It helped that I was with really, really good people and why do I smell a chemical smell right now???  I swear to Buddah, I'm gonna kill those kids.  brb

Man, am I good or what?  Windex.  I knew it.  Windex to clean up the lipstick from the shower doors.  >:<  Nathan has been on a tear like you would not believe since I got back.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Knowing me as you do, you know that change and I are not friends, even good change.  We have to warm up to one another and spend some time together before we can even acknowledge one another.  I had one life when I left this house on the 8th, another while I was in Studio City and yet another began the day after I got back (the 13th).  That's just way too much shifting and adapting for this old Virgo to handle.  Not to mention that my hormones are raging out of control these days and I'm thinking about sex all the time like some kind of psycho sociopathic hobag.  It's unreal.  I know our entrance into Divahood is heralded by the beginning of the menopause process, but damn.  I think this must be what the average 20-year-old male feels like.  I don't know if I need more Remifemin or less.

So the days leading up to the trip were madness.  It seemed like 1000 things came up that had to be handled before I could go.  There was some question for a while as to whether or not I would go at all because Eric still had/has not been paid for the work he did in May and June (for two different companies).  All we had was the money we'd put aside to supplement for the first mortgage payment (due July 1st, late on the 17th).

Finally, it was decided I would go, so we got the rental car the night before and I left out at 4:30am.  I was a little surprised on the last night when Eric decided to go to his friend's house which is in Auburn, over 2 hours away.  Talk about some ego on me!  I was pretty sure that since he wouldn't see me for 5 days, he would stay home and be all cuddly, but his thinking was he was going to be with kids for 5 days, so he was going to have a break when he could get one.  I guess I could see the logic and I was too tired to get miffed anyway.  I finally got the bag packed (for about the seventh time) and the last coat of polish on my nails around 11pm when Eric came in.  I started dozing off, ready to get up at 4:00 am, throw the bag in the car and start driving, but THEN Eric decided he wanted to visit.  *sigh*  I would have cut him off, but he was rubbing my feet and that's a great incentive. 

I opened my eyes at 3:45 after sleeping restlessly for a few hours, showered and made it out the door on time.  I didn't nod off or hit traffic all the way to LA.  I also didn't eat  >:<  which was one of my big motivators.  I knew I could have fast food all the way down the state.  I pulled over in Lodi ("Oh lord, stuck in Lodi againnn."  Yep, that Lodi and you do NOT want to be stuck there!  No offense to any Lodicians who might be reading) and got gas and a Burger King sausage and egg biscuit.  I also grabbed a whopper to munch on later that day so I wouldn't have to pull over again.  Sure enough, there was a cold, dried out whopper by my side when I arrived at the hotel.  I just didn't get hungry again, which is a waste and a shame.

One thing that was of interest is that when you are going down Highway 5, a big landmark is when you can see the roller coasters of Magic Mountain.  Those days may well be past.  All I could see, even from the 5 was a red arch from one of the roller coasters peeking up out of a cloud of mud.  The smog was much worse than I remembered.  When I told Eric about it he said, "Why didn't you take a picture???"  We'll, because I was going past it at 85 mph and didn't really want to die right then.

July 16, 2004

I've been working on this entry all week.  What a week.  I've noticed I don't do "re-entry" well.  I feel like I'm drowning in mundanity after such a great almost week.  As I said above, Nathan is in rare and fine form, I can't seem to communicate with Eric worth a damn and I'm so tired I can't see straight.  I'm sleeping OK as far as I know except for being plagued with the most boring dreams ever.   A perfect example of this week's dreams would be the one I recently had in which I ordered new checks and they arrived.  Stunning in its symbolism and impact.  I am fielding calls from Spielberg and M Knight Whatsit to have it made into an epic movie (or mini series, not sure yet). 

I've seen very, very little of Eric.  He started a new (real, full time) job the day after I got home (and I got home in late afternoon) and works and drives most of the day.  After his first day of work, he went to visit another of his friends and didn't actually get home until quite late.  Our chi is off and I'm not sure why, but I do know it's something marriages go through once in a while, ours included.  I pretty much just lay low until the storm blows over, whatever the storm happens to be.

I know I had lots of stuff to tell you, but damned if I can remember any of them now.  Entertaining, eh?  Mostly, I just wanted to check in and let all of you know I arrived home in one piece and things are just in a tornado since I got back.  When I left, I still had my old life.  Eric was around a good bit of the time, only working about 3 days a week.  The kids were mellow and life was sweet.  I went on the trip and had another life.  I didn't have any obligations, any kids needing me, any housework.  It was just friends and fun.  I didn't get to sleep as much as I'd hoped, but it was still fun.  Came back and Eric started work right away and my kids had lost their minds.  Delena now sleeps the entire day (it's 5:15pm as I write this and she's still asleep) and is up all night chatting with friends on the computer.  I never see her. Dylan is quiet as always unless he's losing a video game when he does the Klingon howl of grief and rage.  Nathan is unhinged and twisted.  The cat is missing and Eric, I dunno, thinks he saw him Saturday night.  The dog is a pain and my head hurts.  I'm playing gospel and pagan music nonstop, trying to find the key to bring back my spirit again, which seems to be cringing and hiding in some bomb shelter in an undisclosed area.  Money is a JOKE (why?) because that stupid company he was a "partner" with for a year still can't be bothered to pay him for the work he did in May and June.  We're owed well over $3000 and it looks like we're going to have to go to court to get it.  Meanwhile and as a result, our first mortgage payment is late and I most assuredly would not have gone on the trip if we'd known this would happen.  Assurances were aplenty, so away I went.  Now, I think part of the disconnect we're feeling is that Eric blames me for going or I blame me for going or both.  Regardless, I want to hide in my bed, cry, pray, watch TV, read and not do any of the things I need to do.  I miss who I was when I left.  I miss who I was when I was in LA.  I am tired of who I am now.  

I am teaching a class tonight on minor magicks (spellwork) and I hope I can do it justice for these poor people.  It's an easy teach, so that's a good thing.  I hope Eric and I can get our groove on long enough to make it all flow well.

These are the times I wish I abused... something.  Or used something. I verified when in LA that I canNOT drink any more.  I don't enjoy any particular drugs.  I used to like pot, but now it only makes me instantly horny, then instantly asleep without any of the fun stuff in between.  Downers were once my pals, but now I can't shake them off in the morning and feel crappy for most of the day.  Anything at all speedy gives me palpitations.  Like Huey Lewis, I need a new drug.  I need to find something about which to feel passionate again.  Life is quickly changing.  I fussed for so long about not having routine and that's something that could never happen with Eric only working in fits and starts.  Now that he's back to 5 days a week, routine can happen if I can get my shit together.  I think Nathan is the one who needs the downers now.  A couple of months ago, Eric mentioned, "Oh, I was considered hyperactive when I was his age and my twin brother was on ritalin."  Why don't people tell us these things BEFORE we procreate with them?  I wouldn't have changed anything, but I could at least have been warned. 

Food isn't even impressing me any more.  Not that I've lost any weight, but just that it doesn't give me the happy it used to.  It's just fuel to make my body work.  I can't even say I'm depressed because I'm not.  I'm just tired and adjusting and having to hit the ground running on a ton of changes and as I said in the beginning, change just isn't my traveling buddy. 

So all scattered rantings aside, I should be fine in a week or so.  I just need to figure all this out, get my head on straight and await the harvest which should be here directly.

Meanwhile, y'all carry on.  I'll be around. :)

Love,
Katrina