July 15, 2004
Funny strange or
funny haha? I'm not laughing. I feel like I'm in a
2x2' room and I keep backing up and running into the walls over
and over again. Allow me to say AAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!
I had a
wonderful trip (part of the problem, likely) and I missed
writing in my journal like crazy. I did a lot of
meditating to keep my feet on the ground and stay rooted in
It helped that I
was with really, really good people and why do I smell a
chemical smell right now??? I swear to Buddah, I'm gonna
kill those kids. brb
Man, am I good
or what? Windex. I knew it. Windex to clean up
the lipstick from the shower doors. >:< Nathan has
been on a tear like you would not believe since I got back.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Knowing me as
you do, you know that change and I are not friends, even good
change. We have to warm up to one another and spend some
time together before we can even acknowledge one another.
I had one life when I left this house on the 8th, another while
I was in Studio City and yet another began the day after I got
back (the 13th). That's just way too much shifting and
adapting for this old Virgo to handle. Not to mention that
my hormones are raging out of control these days and I'm
thinking about sex all the time like some kind of psycho
sociopathic hobag. It's unreal. I know our entrance
into Divahood is heralded by the beginning of the menopause
process, but damn. I think this must be what the average
20-year-old male feels like. I don't know if I need more
Remifemin or less.
So the days
leading up to the trip were madness. It seemed like 1000
things came up that had to be handled before I could go.
There was some question for a while as to whether or not I would
go at all because Eric still had/has not been paid for the work
he did in May and June (for two different companies). All
we had was the money we'd put aside to supplement for the first
mortgage payment (due July 1st, late on the 17th).
Finally, it was
decided I would go, so we got the rental car the night before
and I left out at 4:30am. I was a little surprised on the
last night when Eric decided to go to his friend's house which
is in Auburn, over 2 hours away. Talk about some ego on
me! I was pretty sure that since he wouldn't see me for 5
days, he would stay home and be all cuddly, but his thinking was
he was going to be with kids for 5 days, so he was going to have
a break when he could get one. I guess I could see the
logic and I was too tired to get miffed anyway. I finally
got the bag packed (for about the seventh time) and the last
coat of polish on my nails around 11pm when Eric came in.
I started dozing off, ready to get up at 4:00 am, throw the bag
in the car and start driving, but THEN Eric decided he wanted to
visit. *sigh* I would have cut him off, but he was
rubbing my feet and that's a great incentive.
I opened my eyes
at 3:45 after sleeping restlessly for a few hours, showered and
made it out the door on time. I didn't nod off or hit
traffic all the way to LA. I also didn't eat >:<
which was one of my big motivators. I knew I could have
fast food all the way down the state. I pulled over in
Lodi ("Oh lord, stuck in Lodi againnn." Yep, that Lodi and
you do NOT want to be stuck there! No offense to any
Lodicians who might be reading) and got gas and a Burger King
sausage and egg biscuit. I also grabbed a whopper to munch
on later that day so I wouldn't have to pull over again.
Sure enough, there was a cold, dried out whopper by my side when
I arrived at the hotel. I just didn't get hungry again,
which is a waste and a shame.
One thing that
was of interest is that when you are going down Highway 5, a big
landmark is when you can see the roller coasters of Magic
Mountain. Those days may well be past. All I could
see, even from the 5 was a red arch from one of the roller
coasters peeking up out of a cloud of mud. The smog was
much worse than I remembered. When I told Eric about it he
said, "Why didn't you take a picture???" We'll, because I
was going past it at 85 mph and didn't really want to die right
July 16, 2004
working on this entry all week. What a week. I've
noticed I don't do "re-entry" well. I feel like I'm drowning
in mundanity after such a great almost week. As I said
above, Nathan is in rare and fine form, I can't seem to
communicate with Eric worth a damn and I'm so tired I can't see
straight. I'm sleeping OK as far as I know except for
being plagued with the most boring dreams ever. A
perfect example of this week's dreams would be the one I
recently had in which I ordered new checks and they arrived.
Stunning in its symbolism and impact. I am fielding calls
from Spielberg and M Knight Whatsit to have it made into an epic
movie (or mini series, not sure yet).
I've seen very,
very little of Eric. He started a new (real, full time)
job the day after I got home (and I got home in late afternoon)
and works and drives most of the day. After his first day
of work, he went to visit another of his friends and didn't
actually get home until quite late. Our chi is off and I'm
not sure why, but I do know it's something marriages go through
once in a while, ours included. I pretty much just lay low
until the storm blows over, whatever the storm happens to be.
I know I had
lots of stuff to tell you, but damned if I can remember any of
them now. Entertaining, eh? Mostly, I just wanted to
check in and let all of you know I arrived home in one piece and
things are just in a tornado since I got back. When I
left, I still had my old life. Eric was around a good bit
of the time, only working about 3 days a week. The kids
were mellow and life was sweet. I went on the trip and had
another life. I didn't have any obligations, any kids
needing me, any housework. It was just friends and fun.
I didn't get to sleep as much as I'd hoped, but it was still
fun. Came back and Eric started work right away and my
kids had lost their minds. Delena now sleeps the entire
day (it's 5:15pm as I write this and she's still asleep) and is
up all night chatting with friends on the computer. I
never see her. Dylan is quiet as always unless he's losing a
video game when he does the Klingon howl of grief and rage.
Nathan is unhinged and twisted. The cat is missing and
Eric, I dunno, thinks he saw him Saturday night. The dog is
a pain and my head hurts. I'm playing gospel and pagan
music nonstop, trying to find the key to bring back my spirit
again, which seems to be cringing and hiding in some bomb
shelter in an undisclosed area. Money is a JOKE (why?)
because that stupid company he was a "partner" with for a year
still can't be bothered to pay him for the work he did in May
and June. We're owed well over $3000 and it looks like
we're going to have to go to court to get it. Meanwhile
and as a result, our first mortgage payment is late and I most
assuredly would not have gone on the trip if we'd known this
would happen. Assurances were aplenty, so away I went.
Now, I think part of the disconnect we're feeling is that Eric
blames me for going or I blame me for going or both.
Regardless, I want to hide in my bed, cry, pray, watch TV, read
and not do any of the things I need to do. I miss who I
was when I left. I miss who I was when I was in LA.
I am tired of who I am now.
I am teaching a
class tonight on minor magicks (spellwork) and I hope I can do
it justice for these poor people. It's an easy teach, so
that's a good thing. I hope Eric and I can get our groove
on long enough to make it all flow well.
These are the
times I wish I abused... something. Or used something. I
verified when in LA that I canNOT drink any more. I don't
enjoy any particular drugs. I used to like pot, but now it
only makes me instantly horny, then instantly asleep without any
of the fun stuff in between. Downers were once my pals,
but now I can't shake them off in the morning and feel crappy
for most of the day. Anything at all speedy gives me
palpitations. Like Huey Lewis, I need a new drug. I
need to find something about which to feel passionate again.
Life is quickly changing. I fussed for so long about not
having routine and that's something that could never happen with
Eric only working in fits and starts. Now that he's back
to 5 days a week, routine can happen if I can get my shit
together. I think Nathan is the one who needs the downers
now. A couple of months ago, Eric mentioned, "Oh, I was
considered hyperactive when I was his age and my twin brother
was on ritalin." Why don't people tell us these things
BEFORE we procreate with them? I wouldn't have changed
anything, but I could at least have been warned.
Food isn't even
impressing me any more. Not that I've lost any weight, but
just that it doesn't give me the happy it used to. It's
just fuel to make my body work. I can't even say I'm
depressed because I'm not. I'm just tired and adjusting
and having to hit the ground running on a ton of changes and as
I said in the beginning, change just isn't my traveling buddy.
So all scattered
rantings aside, I should be fine in a week or so. I just
need to figure all this out, get my head on straight and await
the harvest which should be here directly.
carry on. I'll be around. :)