June 28, 2004
Oh lord. It's come to this. I'm so very, very easy.
Those just cracked me up.
It's hard to tell what day of the week it is any more. Wait. It's Monday! Eric is at the DMV, attempting to register the motorcycle. I expect him to be most of the day. I tried to make an appointment for him and the next one was July 20th. (yikes!)
Since I leave a week from Thursday on my trip, I have determined that this will be the week that EVERYthing happens. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I stayed up until about midnight, then crawled into bed, hoping for the best and already knowing what was coming. Even though I'd been awake until around 7:30 (finally got the kids trained to sleep in), it might just as well have been noon than midnight. I was wide awake. I was also having the power surges again. The feeling wasn't uncomfortable this time. I could just feel immense energy moving in waves through my body and it kept me awake and alert. I've felt big stuff coming for about a week now, I guess. It's like standing on the tracks and feeling the earth and steel start to vibrate, then shake, then convulse as the giant freight train gets closer and closer. The air is dense and thick with anticipation. My mind keeps a litany of chants to entertain me. I keep hearing:
"Earth, my body; Water, my blood; Air, my breath and Fire, my spirit!"
"Air moves us! Fire transforms us! Water shapes us! Earth heals us! And the spiral of the year turns round and round and the spiral of the year turns round!"
"We all come from the Goddess and to her we shall return like drop of rain, flowing to the ocean."
"We are the flow, we are the ebb! We are the weavers, we are the web!"
"She changes everything she touches and everything she touches changes!"
"Ancient Mother, I hear you calling. Ancient Mother, I hear your song. Ancient Mother, I hear your laughter. Ancient Mother, I taste your tears."
"By the other that is Her body, by the air that is her breath! By the fire that is her bright spirit, by the living waters of her womb! May the peace of the goddess be forever in your heart! The circle is open but unbroken, merry meet and merry part!"
Eric and I have been spending time in circle each night. "In circle" means literally that. In our back yard, we have an area that is big enough to hold a circle of about 20 people hand to hand. At each of the four "quarters" (the exact North, South, East and West) there is a big stump altar (except the South, which has a big stone circled fire pit) that honors the element for that quarter. Earth in the North, Air in the East, Fire in the South and Water in the West. This allows us to than the Elements for all that they give us in our life via Nature. By spending 15-20 minute each night in the circle, it helps us to center in the spirituality of the day. We can feel the close presence of God and Goddess, as well as the blessings of the elements. It also helps us to tie into the energy of the coming harvest. Anyway, it's very special time for us and I can't explain the difference in how I've felt over the past week that we've been doing this every night. Before that, we would have circle time a couple of times a week, but we spontaneously started doing it every night for a few nights and then got addicted. It's a lovely way to end the day. We tell the boys good night and tuck them in, then go to the back yard and watch the moon come up and see the birds doing the changing of the guard thing with the bats. It's wonderful.
I figure if Muslim people can pray 5 or more times a day, I can at least take a few minutes each night to connect in. It has also gone a long way to connecting Eric and me on a deeper, more intimate level. It also reminds me that life is good and that with the wonderful life I have, I'm already in heaven. I feel so much more plugged in, even though I'm tired as all get out today. I finally got to sleep around 4:30 and was up again at 7:30 to let in the dog (Lord knows he'd been holding his poop all night and needed to let go on my carpet) and feed the kidlets. By then, I was awake and Eric needed to get ready to haunt the DMV. The day was under way. My brain feels all warm and cotton packed and numb. In the past, I've paid perfectly good money for drugs to make me feel this way. :)
The kids are being so blessedly good. Delena was up really late and in sleeping still. Dylan and Nathan have a friend over and are clustered away playing video games. I might as well be alone. I ate a giant grilled steak, left over from dinner last night (London Broil - $1.99 a pound at Albertsons!!), so I'm all full of lean protein and amino acids. With the Hydroxycut, that will keep me very pleasantly full until early evening.
Dylan's 7th birthday is Monday. In fact, his birthday is the same day as Sage's. Those Cancer babies are surely a joy. I'm going to try and find Dylan a used Playstation 2 since his Playstation recently died. That and a couple of games should make him happy. I also have a big TV out in the shed that I'm not using and I'll find a way to hook the new Playstation up to it so he can have it in style.
Eric's pay should be coming in soon (as in this week) and once that happens, it should be a regular monthly roll out. I'm afraid to think that we're actually here because the trip has been so long. In the biggest of miracles, all three partners actually worked together on Saturday. The biggest jerk apologized to Eric for being such an asshole and I guess they are all buddy buddy now. Eric didn't tell me in advance that they were doing this and let me in on it after all was said and done. I was a little miffed at being left out of the loop on something so critical as a full scale reunion, and girlly forgiveness moment, but since I've been working hard to follow the "greatest good" thought, I got over my snit and decided that maybe my input in this would not have contributed to such a positive outcome. Meh. I pick my battles. I am skeptical that the time of peace will continue because I still don't trust the other two guys any further than I can throw them, but I'm definitely willing to appreciate the quiet for a while. I've been working so hard for the "greatest good" outcome that I'm just trusting this is part of it and moving forward.
In light of that, I've been thinking of things I want. Coming up with a want list is tough for me because I spent a lot of time having forgotten how to "want" things. Dumb? Yep, but when you spend a lot of time being really poor, it's sometimes easier to turn off the want machine and focus only on survival. It's safer because you don't feel continually disappointed. A while back, I started learning how to want things again. Of course, like everything else, I journaled about it.
I can't believe it's been three years almost exactly since I worked on that!!! Scroll down to 2001.07.02 14.39 How I Learned How to Want if you're interested. I'm very good at "wanting" now. It's one of the things at which I personally excel. Every year or so, I come up with a list of things I want (yes, material, selfishy things) just to give me goals to work for in the coming months. I'm going to be adlibbing this since I haven't really thought it through. What do I want?
New shoes and clothes for my trip - It's OK if they are used clothes. I just want some different, flattering clothes that make me feel pretty.
A sewing machine - Mine died (it's some freak model that doesn't all you ANY way to adjust the lower tension and when it drifts out of whack, you're just screwed. No stitches will hold. I looked up info on the model online and all I got were a LOT of message board entries of people bitching about how there's no way to fix the lower tension) and I really, really miss it. I don't need anything fancy (although I do want full size and not a rinky dink hand held thing). Just a forward, backward, zig zag affair.
A computer desk - Mine is shot and I want a big one with lots of cubbies and such. I don't want a work station. I want a big desk with a hutch and enough room to hold my crap
Daughters of the Moon Tarot - It's a Tarot deck that is out of print and really cool.
A new stereo. Just a nice boom box, but nothing really fancy is required. I'd love a cassette with auto-reverse and a working CD player.
A big new book shelf. I just requested about 80 books to review for the rest of the year. I need a place to put them. (I review books for publishers)
New pots and pans, preferably matching ones that are really sturdy.
Now for the big stuff:
(I told you I'm getting good at this)
I want another car. I want a nicer car. I want to give the car I have now to my son, Joshua, whose girlfriend is due August 29th and does not have a vehicle to get to the hospital (and it's her 3rd baby). I want a new car by mid August, just to be safe. It doesn't have to be a brand new car, but a newer and nicer than the one I have now. I also want it to have air conditioning. I'd also like it if it still smells a little new carish.
I want a spa/jacuzzi. The back yard already has a launch pad for it.
I want a storage area so I can clean out my Witchy shed and knock down the wall that divides it.
Yep, that'll do for now. I'm sure I'll think of more to add.
Right now, girlfriend wants a nap.
I THOUGHT OF TWO MORE THINGS!!!
I want a mini trampoline!
I want an above ground pool!
I want a bicycle!!!