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June 13, 2003

Flying on faith again.  The days are ticking by with Eric and the guys not having funding for the business and the bills coming due.  It's crazy the way things are moving full steam ahead at one moment and then freeze up immediately.  The good news is that things seem to be working out so that they will do this on their own without any outside help.  They have their first contract and will be busy working shortly and after that, all should be falling into place.  They managed to get their insurance binder, which is the most important step.  After they have a good job finish up, they'll be able to incorporate, which is the next most important step.  If we can just hang on financially for a couple of weeks, we should make it through.  I'm trying not to think about it.  Trying not to think about August when I want to go to the GH fan event in Studio City.  Trying not to think about rent for July.  Just trying to trust that it's all going to work out.

When I'm in situations where I am consciously avoiding the potential stress of a situation, I have some kind of override that kicks in where I get really, really sleepy.  I don't know if it's because I'm not sleeping as well at night, making me sleepier or if it is an escapism technique or if this having faith deal is just more tiring than I think it is.  :)  Eric has said he'll take the boys out to ride bikes for a couple of hours this afternoon so I can clean house.  It will be great to devote some time to cleaning without kids underfoot.  I can get a lot done in that amount of time.  I may have to take the phone off the hook as well, but ah, blessed alone-ness!

Eric and I had a rather, well, intense conversation last night and he made the statement that it didn't seem that I was very happy having kids.  (?!)  I was amazed that my own husband had such an skewed impression of me.   I spent the next hour or so trying to explain to him that I LOVE having kids and specifically love having MY kids.  I do not, however, love having kids all the time.  I get maybe a stolen 2-3 hours cumulatively a week away from kids in varying degrees of quantity.  As I have gotten older, I find that it wears on me more than when I was younger.  My need for privacy, for quiet moments to collect myself, meditate and rest up is more pervasive to the point of being a necessity instead of a luxury. 

He never got it and kept coming back to his assessment that I just don't enjoy having children.  Don't you hate it when someone formulates an opinion about you and refuses to let it go, even when you are certain in your soul it isn't true?  It bugs me when strangers do that, so having someone that I adore and trust do it is just infuriating.   For the record, I love having kids. I'm not eager to have MORE, but I do love having kids.

He agreed to watch the kids a couple of nights a week while I "do something" to get away from the kids, so I've been trying to imagine what I could do.  I just hadn't considered the possibility before. 

With that, I've got to get going.  Nathan just threw a huge bag of dried egg noodles all over the family room.  That's what happens when I turn my back for a few minutes.  >:<

Maybe I'll take one of those nights tonight.