June 1, 2004
I'm in weird surreal world right now. Didn't want you to think I was ignoring you, so I'm writing anyway.
Despite all good intentions to have a great weekend, Eric and I ended up fighting a good bit of it. We don't fight often and I haven't decided if we are very, very good at it or very, very bad at it. Regardless, we both come away battle weary and having accomplished very little. I've read a lot of books about productive arguing, including Relationship Rescue by Dr Phil, which is a wonderful book even if your relationship doesn't particularly need rescuing. I guess because our arguments are so seldom, it takes us both by surprise.
I tell myself that we have both been under huge amounts of pressure from lots of different areas and that it only makes sense we'd snap. Anyway, it was a terrible weekend and now I have a headache I can't beat and we're both having trouble sleeping, so we're exhausted. Eric stayed up late last night cleaning the kitchen and doing some laundry. I told him that since he's working for the next two weeks straight, including weekends, that he has no obligations here at the house. Just go to work, come home to a nice dinner and detox from the world.
He was offered a chance to attend a class for two weeks about some software that the FDIC has to install into the ATMs in this area. I'm sure it extends beyond that, but his class encompasses the Sacramento Valley. A man he knows needs to have the certification for his business, so Eric is taking the class to fulfill the obligation for his friend (warm body in the class) and his friend is paying him at the prevailing wage. There is a lull in houses that are ready for the guys to work on at the moment, so it's extra money. They have houses lined up for each weekend. It's going to be hard for him, but it's only for 2 weeks and will help us to get caught up.
I spent most of today trying to heal and recover. I spent the morning in bed watching TV, listening for the kids and giving them a cuddle now and then. They've been very good today, which is a real blessing.
In about an hour, Nathan and I have to head out walking to his school. It's just over a mile away, which isn't bad in and of itself, but it's straight uphill and I know my heel spurs are going to be going insane before the day is over. The supports that Sherry sent to me help me on a daily basis so that I have almost no pain as opposed to the near constant pain I had before. If I have a day when I'm on my feet for a long time, I'm in pain the next day. Yep. Tonight and tomorrow will be a beastie. I've been taking Motrin all day today and will soak them when I get home. He's going to school to have an assessment for Kindergarten next year. He's very excited.
The kids had their last day of school on Friday and we're all very relieved. They have a solid 3 months off to be kids and have fun (and do chores and clean their rooms). I'm going to take advantage of the time to try and establish some routines and get them used to changes I want to make. We've been very haphazard since we moved here and I'd like to tighten things up a bit.
On Saturday, Eric and I drove to Sacramento (yes, I got sick even though I took the medication, dammit) and David watched the kids while we went out and got a bite to eat (Goooood Mexican!). We were already feeling tense, even though we hadn't started arguing yet, the feeling was there and snippity and bitchy were the basic attitudes. Still, it was a nice time. I have really, really missed being able to go out to eat and get away from the house sometimes. While we were in town, Delena got her hair cut and it looks just wonderful. As soon as she's feeling better, I'll get a picture. She took her "Friends" magazine into Supercuts and said, "Give me Monica." It's just lovely.
After we were fighting on Sunday, I decided to leave for a while to clear my head. I went to the local market (local meaning it's about 25 minutes away). I was ready to feel better any way I could. I walked up and down the aisles, looking at all the nurture food (really, there's not much. This place is about 1/3 the size of a regular grocery store) and trying to decide what I'd get. French bread would be good, but it was around 8pm and they were out. I looked over the yummy candies and all I could think about was how badly it would upset my stomach and make me feel all diaphoretic and yucky. Dammit. I ended up buying some really, really fresh celery. CELERY, fer chrissake, and some whole wheat bread because I was out. I got Eric some rocky road ice cream, which I don't like. Dammit again. I went across the street and got Eric some sesame chicken at the Chinese restaurant and the kids a pizza from Pizza factory. I can't even binge worth a damn any more.
When I was leaving the parking lot, an ambulance went by. It's an hourly experience in Sacramento and about a yearly one up here. I said a silent prayer that it not be going to my house. When I got home, sure enough it was at the bottom of my driveway. (?!) There were cars all around, lights flashing, etc. I flew into the house and yelled to see if everyone was inside. As it turned out, a young kid of about 14 had been riding a dirt bike, hit a rock and lost control. He was banged up pretty badly and that was about the biggest thing to happen here in a long time. Eric and I were both shaken and didn't say much for the rest of the night. Yesterday, we pretty much kept to ourselves and tiptoed quietly around. He worked until around 2pm and after that, I rested upstairs and he took the kids to the creek to pan for gold (yes, you heard me, it's his new passion). We talked later on last night and seem to be making inroads again. Neither of us is right. Neither of us is wrong (OK, he's more wrong than I am, so there). It's just too far past enough is enough.
I plan on spending two very cushy weeks. Since I need to handle the home front on my own, I'm going to be taking things easy and getting down what I need to do. Today, nothing is going to get done except a nice dinner. I'm giving myself today to recover (plus make that walk) then evaluate how things are tomorrow. For now, as much as possible, I'm hiding out and waiting for the storm to blow over.
There's an old song that says, "Some days are diamonds, some days are stones." I'm lucky that most of my days are really beautiful diamonds. Every now and then, I have a run of stones where I have to look for the diamonds buried inside. As usual, I'm investigating trends and studying common denominators to weed out the root cause and figure out how to bounce back. It's been a wild and hairy year so far. I think the culmination is wearing me out a bit, so I'm going to take some time and nurture myself back to life again.
I might visit depression from time to time, but I refuse to live there. I'm just going to go undercover and be good to myself until the storm passes. :)
OK, THAT sucked. It's all of about 70 degrees outside and I felt like I was going to die. The entire walk there was uphill. Dylan started complaining about 10 minutes out the door. You haven't seen uphill until you've seen uphill HERE. It's more like up a paved cliff. The walk home was better. There was only one hill to climb on the way back and our house is at the top of it.
I think that was one of the longest mile pluses in my life.
I need a cold cloth and some digitalis or something.
the dark of the midnight
the storm passes over,