Katrina's Nonsoapy Journal

April 25, 2003

OK, it's officially here and I'm not finding a cause for it.  I'm totally and completely depressed which is very our of character for me as of late.  I used to go here on a regular basis (as my old journals demonstrate), but I haven't had a good tromp through the Valley of the Shadow in a long time.  I'm irritable as hell.  I'm whiney.  I'm tired all the time.  Yeah.  I'm the Egg.  The Zoloft Egg. What'd I do with that little guy?

There he is... in his happy, cured little form.  I've been running the gamut, both leisurely and frantically, to see what's bugging me.  Watched Oprah yesterday where she was celebrating incredible weight loss stories.  Gave some guy a Porsche.  He'd lost over 300 pounds.  Everyone there had lost 100+.  Far from motivating me, I felt inadequate. 

Got on the treadmill today and as usual, the back of my pelvis ached, as did my hips.  Made it to 30 minutes for the first time, around 3mph.  I feel good about that, but it's hard not to hate every stride.  Nathan was an ass the whole time I was trying to do it, so it was a pain.  This is day #5 of treadmilling.  The first day, I couldn't go past 15 minutes.  It's getting better, but it's uncomfortable.  I didn't get sore, but it hurts when I do it.

Haven't been sleeping well at all and I don't know why.  I wake up several times through the night because it's too hot, because I thought I heard the door ring, because a sharp dream startled me, because Nathan crawled up in bed with us, because Eric's alarm goes off at 5am and he lets it beep and beep and beep and beep forever before I poke him and get him to turn it off (or hit snooze and then do it again for 2-3 times until Nathan is good and awake).  Seems like I just can't get into that good solid sleep place.  Eric watched the kids for an hour last night so I could take a nap and I couldn't even doze.  Usually, I'm all over a nap and able to sleep before I even hit the pillow.  Maybe I can catch up this weekend. 

I've been cleaning house like mad, but I feel like I'm chasing my tail.  The more I work, the messier I get.  It seemed like it fared better when I was on the computer the whole day and hurried around to clean like mad at 3pm before Eric got home at 3:30 rather than clean all day, squeeze in a nonsoapy and an e-mail or two around the edges and work through the night if necessary. 

As I said a few days ago in this journal, when you are feeling out of whack, it's because there's some message you aren't hearing or something you aren't doing that you know you're supposed to be doing.  I've tried to be still and hear the voice, but they aren't talking or at least not talking my language. 

Oprah, Phil and every other guru in the world insists that "it's not the food, it's the emotions."  I don't have any idea what emotions I'm feeding or what big troubling issue I have that I'm trying to cover.  I have a good marriage. I have a good life. I have a great website. I have great kids (although putting them into tupperware and hiding them under the bed is sounding more and more appealing as Spring Break 2 Weeks is coming to a close).  I have worked through my nurturing crap from not having the parents I would have liked to have had and worked through the pain of my first marriage and the betrayal that ended it.  I've purged my demons, atoned for my actions and gone over my soul with a fine toothed comb.  I just can't seem to find the key that tells me why I'm so unhappy when I'm dieting and exercising and depriving myself of something that I enjoy when there are so many other things in my life that bring me happiness.

I'm happy.  I'm fulfilled.  I'm peaceful and I'm depressed right now.  Maybe it's the wasted motion thing, doing the same thing every day to no clear end.  Day after day of cleaning and kids, cleaning and kids.  I hear their sweet voices in my sleep (sometimes because they woke up in the night and sometimes because it'd permanently etched in my brain).  I need a spa or something. 

So here's the plan.  I'm going to take the next hour and clean my house. Then I'm going to take the weekend and try to get on top of this again, get well rested and find a return to my happy chi.  I think sometimes we have to just let the depression happen and go with it and weather it like a storm.  See what's in there for us.   That's what I plan to do and I'll get back with you on Monday with a full report!

Meanwhile, have a wonderful weekend, the last one in April, and try not to get caught up with any of the madness that may be around you.  Enjoy the peace that is between the cracks. 

Much Love,

AH, PS:  Joshua can't  come home this weekend because the guy he was getting a ride from was caught with a girl in his room and fired from the corp, so he no longer has a ride.  >:<  I don't get to see my kiddo because some guy wanted a piece of tail.  NOT HAPPY!!

Good God, She's Verbose!  There's More!