March 16, 2004

I'm counting the small things.  A very favorite webset site that was giving me a "page not found" in German popped up again when I tweaked the link a bit.  I'm glad for that.  Nathan was an angel boy today.  I'm glad for that.  My friend Jen is coming over for a bit. I'm glad for that.  Eric thinks a couple of people who owe the company money might pay this week.  I'm glad for that.  Almost the last of the mortgage paperwork went out today.  We have one more letter (from the VA) that has to be sent out as soon as we get it.  It's getting so close to the line that I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin.  I can't remember the last time I felt so worked up about something, even when we were losing our house a year and a half ago.  Then everything was so scary that this was just one more thing.  Now, it's a matter of waiting and waiting and waiting while things take their course and determine the outcome (at least for the immediate future) of our life.  So much depends on this and what is so hard is that every day it seems as though another issue goes onto the heap that is dependent upon whether or not this loan goes through.  My broker has been so reassuring and is such an awesome person.  I know if it can be done, she'll help us do it.  I know all of the good words about how if this doesn't work out, something better will be coming soon.  I know it and I believe it.  I also know and believe that I am tired and this insecurity is eating my soul.  I just want to get parked somewhere and rest for a good long time. 

I have a slew of about 15-20 realtors coming through on a "tour" tomorrow to go through my house.  I pray they're fast and I can be done with it.  There's no time when they are coming, just "sometime Wednesday."  The "floor guy" is also coming to determined what will be done with the floors.  With any luck, they can wait until I'm moved out to get that going.  I'm not eager to be inconvenienced any more than I already am.  With any luck, I'll be out of here in a couple of weeks and starting my process of settling into my new home.  Then they can have at it with this house.  For that interim time, I just want to be left alone.  I know that's a lot to ask when the guy really wants to sell his house, but they haven't seen us as anything other than a major inconvenience that has to be handled with the least amount of courtesy that the law allows.  That doesn't exactly inspire a great deal of cooperation in me. 

Tonight, Eric and I will be busy directing energy to a positive outcome and trying to soothe our frayed nerves a bit.  I'm not sure how we're going to do it, but we've got to find a way or we're both going to implode.  (Exploding is too messy).

I've found it really hard to write lately.  I stared at a soap column for about an hour today, putzed around with some stupid banter that isn't really printable for it and then saved it until later.  I just don't have the spirit or else my muse is dead or something. 

I'm sure it'll come back.  For now, I need to go start dinner and get the house clean for the mighty realtor hoard coming tomorrow.  LOW energy, low motivation... not quite low spirits, but getting there.  Just feeling like I need to sleep for a couple of weeks.  = )

Oh for a hot tub, drinks and privacy! 



Anthony Guerra