March 2, 2004
Time it was and what a time it was it was,
A time of innocence a time of confidences.
Long ago it must be, I have a photograph. Preserve your memories, they're
all that's left you.
Simon and Garfunkel
that song has been running through my head a lot lately and it was just used on
an ER episode. At first, I thought it was a hint that I needed to resume
my photograph project (I always work literal first, then go deeper). When
Mom died last year, I got a lot of her photo albums and spent days sorting and
putting some into albums. I still have a huge basket of pictures of my
kids and family that need to go into albums. I made a giant collage of the
older boys growing up (giant as in poster board sized) and an individual collage
for each of the four older children. I haven't done one of Dylan and
Nathan because a number of my pictures are missing for some reason. My
mother-in-law has duplicates of them and has been promising since Christmas to
send the to me via e-mail scanned or the mail. A soon as I get those, I
can put the albums together. Now, I'm starting to think the message is
about placing emphasis on the moments that make up our life rather than the so
called "big events."
Last night, Joe called
me while I was working on my Monday column for the site. I wasn't finished
until around 2am, so when he signed on at midnight to ask if he could phone, it
was no problem. I'm normally asleep by 9-10pm, so it's great that it was
Monday night, when I'm normally up very late. He was feeling moved to
reconnect with his dad (we still haven't found his biological father, who's been
missing since Joe was 10), who he hasn't spoken to for about six years. I
got him the phone number (thank god the guy was in Yahoo people search since I
haven't had his phone number for some time) and he called and was able to
reconnect, even though Paul was pretty out of it. Joe followed up with an
absolutely beautiful letter that I found very moving and sincere. I'm so
grateful that he's doing this. They had a really rough way to go after our
divorce, mostly because Joe is very protective of both me and Delena and we both
took some hard hits as Paul worked to get to where he needed to be. Joe
needs a dad, especially as he's getting older and preparing to start a family of
his own. I'm proud of him for doing this and I trust it's going to be good
for everyone concerned. Joe really deserves that connection.
I had a dream a few
nights ago; another one of those really clear and vivid ones. I was
visiting the old George Air Force Base library where I worked from 1986-1990.
It was my favorite job. I loved working in the library, even though I
never appreciated the job at the time as much as I did in retrospect. I'd
love to do it again. In the dream, Priscilla McGill, long dead, was still
in charge of the place. I asked her if she would hire me back and she said
that she'd be happy to. Priscilla never much cared for me as a person.
I was a very different person back then and I don't think I'd have liked me very
much either. I pretty much represented everything she hated in the world.
I started working in the library and was happy, feeling like I was getting paid
for doing something I loved and would do for free.
I thought about the
dream a lot and wondered what from that time I was trying to reclaim. It
certainly wasn't the personality. I enjoy who I am much more now. It
wasn't a job because love being a stay at home mom and wouldn't trade it for
anything. I finally determined that it must be The Body (caps deserved).
I was in my best health ever in my life during the time I worked at the library.
I ran 3 miles every morning during the week and 5 miles each day on the weekend.
I hated every minute of it, but I looked great. Maybe I was asking for
permission to go back to that shape again, if ever I can. I definitely
have the tools between the exercise ball and the resistance tubes. Maybe
it was just a formalizing of the acceptance.
There's no word yet on
the mortgage. Eric and I have been on pins and needles, but we know you
can't push the river. You just have to wait for it to flow to the right
places. We've been so focused on saving this house by buying it that we
haven't been thinking of the other possibilities. While the housing market
is at an all time high, the rental market has stayed about the same. I was
checking out some of the rental properties in the local paper and we can get a
really, really nice place for what we're paying here and definitely for what
we'd pay for a mortgage payment. I'd hate to move the kids from school,
especially since Nathan just started yesterday and the free preschool is a pilot
program that isn't very many places, but it's possible we wouldn't have to leave
for a few months yet, so if we do have to move, perhaps we can at least delay it
out until June when the kids will be out of school. We'd just have to deal
with showing the house and such.
I do want to clarify
something I wrote yesterday. The real estate agent for the seller is not
forcing us to leave the house while they show it. She can't legally do
that. What she did is let us know how strongly she requests that we do so
and that if we are in any way impeding the sale, it would be necessary to give
us 30 days notice. So it was more of "we can't make you leave, but if you
stay, it's not good for us and for the sale and anything that is not good for us
and the sale is going to result in us having to ask you to leave." They
have to give us 24 hours' notice, but already it's a matter of "the pest
inspectors will be here Thursday at noon and I will be showing them around" and
"the roof inspectors will be here tomorrow." There is no "if that's a good
time for you." She will not be the only real estate agent showing the
house, so basically anyone can be coming into our house. We are strongly
advised to not have any jewelry or things of value that could be put in a pocket
out and about. (nice) This agent only shows houses to people who are
pre-approved, so that should cut out the looky-loos and keep it to people who
are seriously looking to buy a house. She also told us she doesn't plan to
host any open houses here (thanks). I'm not accustomed to things moving so
fast (this time last week, we didn't even know this situation existed) and
without us having any control of the situation at all. That has made it
difficult to maintain a position of strength and not fall into the victim role,
which never helps anything. We are really struggling to keep this as a
perspective of a dynamic and exciting change rather than being pushed around by
circumstances outside of our control. Eric has been a real tower of
strength through this. I'm the one who has been feeling really weary.
Our friend has been so wonderful, doing everything she can to make the mortgage
work and get us secure, but like anything else, it's a process, especially with
a credit rating that has taken the hits ours has in the past 2 years, not to
mention our very noticeable lack of down payment. We've been doing a lot
of St Jude work and feeling the strength of the wonderful people who have been
sending their love and prayers our way. We are confident that this is just
one more adventure along the way and that it will work out exactly as it is
meant to. I'm sure I'll be writing in here soon to tell you some
wonderful, exciting miracle that has transpired in this situation. :)
I always hurry to tell you guys first (mostly because you're a captive audience
and everyone else has a schedule I have to work around).
I'm not much for artsy fartsy pictures,
but I really, really like this photo of Alex Kingston (Elizabeth Corday Greene
I also learned that when Nathan is
getting really rowdy, it helps a lot to take him out for a ride. He
settles right down afterwards:
He still really, really
loves preschool and is sad when it's time to come home. He's excited today
because he go to ride the bikes since the rain seems to have stopped for the
I only got about 3
hours' sleep last night, so I'm wonderfully spacey and out of it. It's kind of a
fun place to be. :) I should be able to get to bed early tonight.
As soon as Star Trek goes off at 9pm, I'll likely be snoozing away. I have
some "Simply Sleep" and I may take one of those to hedge my bets a bit.
I'm very behind on
e-mails, so if you are expecting to hear from me, it's not that I'm avoiding
anyone. I just haven't been able to think cohesively for a day or two.
I'll be back in the swing of things again soon.
I hope all of you have
a wonderful day. It's peaceful here, even though so many things are
pending. Eric is out doing work things and Nathan is being wonderfully
sedate. I think I'm going to go crawl up beside him and nap. I need
to do a soap column, but my brain is pretty oatmealish. I haven't even
checked the calla lilies in a while.
Let's just focus on
these for good luck, shall we? I kind of dig the table as well, so maybe
there's some nice furniture mojo in there as well.
Used with Permission ~
Protection ~ ęCorey Wolfe