January 27, 2005

Well, it has definitely been interesting.  *whew*  A while back, I stopped using the phrase "I deserve" and started saying, "I have earned..." whenever I am giving myself a luxury.  "I deserve" sounds debatable and "I have earned" is more absolute.

Ha!  I think what happens, based on recent experience, is that when you determine you have "earned," something that you really, really want, The Universe says, "Oh really?" and does a quick ledger game to see if you really have earned what you're asking for.  If you haven't, you get to get really busy going to summer school and making up missed credits.  : P

We have been working like mad on this refinance loan still and the past two days were an amazing circus of faxes and blood and sweat and praying and spending time in straitjackets.  Tuesday morning, we were all ready to go to Sacramento to sign the loan documents when we got a call saying that the lender had completely dropped the loan because the county records reflect a different square footage than the appraisal shows (which is the same square footage as the appraisal used when we purchased the house).  Fortunately, our appraiser (who turned out to be worth every penny of the extra money we paid her) wrote an addendum to the appraisal saying that in rural areas, it is not uncommon for county records to be wrong since they take forever to update and that in her opinion, none of the square footage was recently added on.  They evidently accepted that and we signed papers on the refi yesterday.  Of course, it could all fall apart at any point before Monday when it is recorded, but at this point, it isn't likely.  We are incurring  a much higher monthly mortgage payment than we expected.  It's about $400 more, actually, which hurts, but at least we will have all of our debts paid off and be on the road to having a decent credit report (both of us!), provided Eric can remain employed. 

He has a chance at a job with Sacramento City doing basically the same work he does now at the same pay, but with a much greater chance of moving up, much greater stability AND a benefits package that includes family health care, paid vacations and holidays and ongoing raises.  He has applied and finds out in about 2 weeks if he got the job.  That would be wonderful, so we are very hopeful.

The tension is starting to die down a bit, but I don't think either of us will breathe right until Monday is over and we know it's all behind us.  Then we get to do it again in 18 months, but the difference will be that we will have much better credit and it won't be out of desperation, plus we will have upgraded teh house a good bit and our appraisal will be even higher.

I can see the end of the road, but I'm not over the finish line yet. 

We are leaving for Los Angeles later on today.  Joe and Sandra are going to be down there and we'll also visit Eric's grandmother.  Our hotel has a pool with a jacuzzi that is open until 11pm.  I don't think I need to say more than that.

We have a great house sitter who is taking care of the animals (in case the cat's ass falls out again or something) and I intended to spend the next few days maxing and relaxing.  It's a cheap ass vacation since we aren't going to be able to get Eric's paycheck until Monday (I guess Monday is Moneyday), but I can scratch together enough for food, gas and hotel, then take care of the rest later.

I don't often do reckless, foolish things, so this is my time for the year.

There will be lots to tell you when I am back on Monday.  If I can't get to the journal on Monday, you'll hear from me on Tuesday!


Take care,

January 24, 2005

I swear to God, I feel physically beaten. 

Now we have to pay and additional $125 for the appraiser to change something like 2 lines on the appraisal, changing the name of the broker requesting it.  We heard on Friday that the other company had officially released the appraisal, but no one got around to telling us until late today that we needed to float the cash boat again to make it happen.

I have a huge list of things to talk about, but those will likely be subject matter for another day this week.  I can barely hold my eyes open.  I was up until about 3am dealing with a personal situation with a friend (and not really reaching any kind of satisfactory conclusion), got up at 6am with Delena, collapsed into bed for a couple of hours this afternoon and slept that hard, painful sleep.  Kids just got home and Eric on his way now.  He'll need pick me up pep talking, so I have to find some within the next hour or so. 

As soon as he gets home and I piece him back together again, I think I am going to hug my little kids tight and go to bed. 

As a sampling of how the weekend has gone:

On Friday afternoon, around 3:45, the littlest cat, Tuffy, came tooling out of the laundry room where the cat boxes are.  No big deal until he turned around and we saw that there was a good 4-5" of rectum dragging after him.  Literally, the cat's ass turned inside out and there was intestine trailing.  In case anyone is wondering, cat intestine looks sort of like rigatoni that you stuff, except that it is segmented and the color of jelled cranberry sauce.  I wish I'd had the presence of mind to take pictures, but I couldn't stop shaking and screaming inside long enough.

Eric got home around 4pm, so I flew down the mountain to the vet's as soon as he pulled into the driveway.  The vet wasn't really hopeful since the intestine was really dark, but he did the surgery right away and said we could pick the cat up on Monday if he made it.  The cat was acting like nothing wrong.  His ass just happened to be wrong side out.

Delena went with me (her cat) and she had a dance that night.  By the time we got back to the school, the dance was already on lock down, but I lurked around the door until the principal came out, then begged Delena in.  It was a 50's theme dance and she was so bummed not to have her pedal pushers and white T-shirt, but glad to be at the dance. I went home, then had to drive back down the mountain to get her again a couple of hour later.

The next day was another hurried trip down the mountain for groceries, etc, with Dylan.  There was the added time crunch that when I called that morning to check on Tuffy, they said he was doing so well I could pick him up, but I had to be there by 2:30, which gave me 3 hours to do everything, including 30 minutes of driving and frequent pull offs to let Dylan puke.  We got the cat ($230, plus antibiotics) and hurried back up the mountain again.  Rush, rush, rush.

Yesterday was an early Full Moon celebration, made all the more emotional because I was handing the circle over to Jennifer, our wonderful second-in-command.  She's been with us for about 5 years and is well ready to do the honors.  It's what is the best thing to happen, but it's still sad to grandmother it out after so many years.  It's like when the kids leave home.  What am I now?  What do I do now?  I've been a High Priestess for so long that I am not sure what else to do.  Like so many other things, I have to wait for the world to turn again and see what's there for me.

We stayed up to watch "Dark Side of the Rainbow" with Delena.  As usual, I started nodding off around the Emerald City, but when I went up to bed, I couldn't get to sleep.  I ended up getting back up again, writing the spoiler commentary column and trying to resolve a drama that came up with a friend.  My head was so fucking tired. I was thinking about 1000 problems that Eric and I have had and no matter what I did, I couldn't say the right thing.  I'm trying to regroup and everything hurts.  My chance to get to LA to see Joe and Sandra is at risk now because of the cat vet bill and of having to pay this extra $125 to some lady to type two lines (yes, I asked if I could have it retyped myself and no we can't). 

At this rate, it's going to be hard to get this loan completed and the funds in place in time to get to LA before they leave on Monday.  It's theoretically possible and lord knows a lot of miracles can happen between now and Thursday afternoon when we were going to leave, which, if we do go, may well end up having to be Friday now.  I'm tired of shifting and accommodating and replanning and crying and having to stay strong and full of faith and stalwart.  I'm tired of jumping through hoops and having to come up with one more document, one more payment, one more miracle before it can happen and even then not having it happen.  I know I'm being petulant and  whiney, but I am just so fucking weary.  I  needed this one thing to go right, just for me, just to make my life easier.  I'm tired of being a martyr.  I'm tired of having to take the long, rocky road to get to a goal I can see directly in front of me.  We started this refinance project the end of November among assurances of what a simple process it would be ("Not nearly as stressful as your initial home loan!') and it's still just dragging on and on.  My goal, other than getting some kind of financial solvency, was always just to see Joe and Sandra and spend some good time with them without having to totally bankrupt us to do it.  Now, with these added expenses, it's going to be hard for it to even happen at all unless there is one more miracle in the bag.

Of course there is always one more.  I just have to trust that.

Somehow, I have to trust that.

Ah...look!  An e-mail saying that our lender needs a copy of our December payment for our 2nd note on the house, which, of course, has not even cleared the bank yet.


If I had to iconize this time in my life, it would be with the fact that exactly 3 days ago, my cat's ass was on the outside of his body.  It just doesn't get any more clarifying than that.

I'm going to go to bed, cry a whole lot, try to sleep and hide for a while.

Going placidly amongst the haste and noise is just wearing my ass out.




I kid you not.