Two Pigs in an Ugly Blanket
By Robin Vaicius  

I admit.  I’m biased.   

I used to think Chad Brannon’s Zander was hot.  Reading the message boards, I know that majorities of y’all (give me some southern love!) think he’s far better than sliced bread.  However, I must confess, I now disagree.  It all started when I was staring obsessively at the screen during my lunch hour, in the cafeteria of my job (I worked the FOX affiliate in Cincinnati, and amazingly they never messed with my ABC soap obsession…only because I could be borderline homicidal if they thought they could touch my dial).  My buddy, Kris, wanders in to vend herself a candy bar from the machine, looks up, and sees CB’s Zander full, front, center, and gasps inhumanly.  I waited until commercial before I let her explain.   

When the Zoloft egg started hopping around, I looked at her with evil furrowed brows as if to telepathically shout, “Hell hath no fury like a soap girl interrupted.”  She apologized for her insolence, but then pointedly revealed that Zander resembled a wicked ex-boyfriend of mine, who’d been so tricksy in nature that we bestowed upon his villainy the nickname “Ratboy”.  I could never look at CB or Zander the same again.  The likeness is uncanny.  Immature?  Sure.  Stupid?  Absolutely.  But I can’t be swayed to enjoy CB’s presence onscreen any longer.  His electricity fizzled in that one second that she made the connection, and now his beauty is forever tainted.   

This directly affects my feelings toward Zem.  Of course, as you probably know, I cannot be a fan.  Suffice to say, I wasn’t pleased with their relationship when Amber Tamblyn was in the role either.  My diatribe continues.  Knowing that I cannot support Zem, I was eager for Emily to find new love.  I hoped it wasn’t Lucky.  I prayed that it wouldn’t be some random, bizaree pairing like a Luke/Felicia redux.  I never even considered Nikolas.   

I will say that, in my mind, Tyler Christopher was always going to be Nikolas.  When Coltin Scott stepped into the role, he was boring.  Nik, to me, was supposed to resemble a tortured heir, swathed in mystery and nobility, stricken with lies and deceit, caught in an evil war that seemingly would never end, bound by duty and familial love, but fighting against his nature and defying those who would do anything to protect him.  Coltin Scott appeared a loudmouthed, arrogant newcomer thus failing the character’s true roots.  He wasn’t tormented enough for me.  He didn’t possess that deepness; he didn’t suck me into his agonized soul.  So, when Christopher resumed the role, I was ecstatic.  I think I dry-humped my television, but the memory is hazy.   

I never expected Nik and Em, and I chalk that up to GH inexperience.  After all, I wasn’t around for the embarrassing kiss prior, or her devastating kiddie crush.  When it became clear that he was falling for her, and yet again, he was plagued by a haunting emotion, I was hooked like a bass on the bait.  However, when they first kissed atop the bluffs, raging heat lit my insides on fire, drool leaked from the corners of my lips, and I couldn’t rip my eyes from the screen.  Their chemistry crackled, giving birth to the newest triangle.  Their coupling heightened onscreen.  Their yearning looks, their “we can’t be together” bullshit, their need to be near each other and their tragic attempts at fighting the urge all gathered me up and embraced me tightly.  I wanted that to happen to me.   

Sooooo, when the lights went out and Em pulled the pitiful scared girl act that I’d always ridiculed on soap eppies, I should’ve screamed in defiance.  I should’ve ripped about bad writing, and not being the fool, and uttered, “Who the hell believes this dumb fudge anyway!”  Nope.  Didn’t happen.  I inched closer and closer to the TV, chewing my fingernails down to painful reddened stumps.  I talked to the TV, as if it would obey my command.  “Kiss her, dammit!!!  Grab her!  Throw her down in front of that fire!  Give her what is rightfully hers!!”  Cue the ugly blanket.   

Its existence is so sad.  I mean, really, it will always be ugly.  It would probably never be used for anything fun or adventurous, so I voted that it get the attention it deserves, and the honor of serving as cushion for the two hot bodies that should’ve nastied it up and gave that damn blankie a purpose.  I want their first time to be on that thing.  Almost like that Peanuts character that drags his blanket around (his name escapes me), I can see Em going into meditation trances whenever she focuses her irises on the unattractive threads.  Sigh.  I would never wash it again.  I would sleep with it, hold it close, and stuff it in duffel whenever I was leaving the house.  I would keep it for the reminder it would serve of the most unforgettable memory.   

Emily, as a cancer survivor, has been through an exorbitant amount of stress.  Thinking you’re dying can be a damper on existence, so it is no wonder that she was pulled in two directions.  Thinking she was doing the best for Zander (it is so hard NOT to call him Ratboy!), she marries him.  Then she lives.  Typical soap drama, no?  She may be whiny now.  She may be trying to make it work with Zander, which pisses off far too many viewers because they think she should just get on with it, but so many people claim that they want truthfulness and continuity in storylines, and I think that the writers are delivering.  Emily is suffering from the guilt of hurting Zander and even though staying with him causes more pain; she was trying to present him with the love she promised on her deathbed when it was unbeknownst to her that she would actually have to keep those vows a bit longer.  No, it isn’t right.  No, it isn’t fair.  Sure, she’s one of those girls that we all say we’d never be.  Until we’re in the situation and we can justify it.   

I personally would’ve taken Nik on the ugly blanket, filed for annulment the next day, and moved into Wyndemere where I could gallivant naked in the tunnels with my Prince armed with a can of Redi-Whip and edible panties.  But her attempts to maintain an already-failed marriage made me feel sorry for her situation.  Her history with Zander no longer conveyed a strong bond, and her fascination with Cassadine captivation consumed her.  I think it would’ve saved Zander time, effort, and feeling if she’d just followed her heart and her loins by making that night memorable.  And I think that the fans would’ve been in for a raw beautiful moment:  Nik truly making love and giving himself to someone fully, instead of dabbling in the magnetism of Katherine Bell or the instability of Gia.  Seeing him vulnerable and no longer in control has been more than a treat, and seeing Emily on unsure ground, caught betwixt “the right thing” and “the dark side”, has tickled me a bright passionate red.   

There was a time a while back where love had disappeared from GH.  The boards screeched disapproval.  Well, now, everywhere, in every corner, someone’s loving someone whether it’s requited or not.  I’m grateful that there’s a love that’s blossoming that is strong, ardent, fiery and muy caliente.  Thus, I think there was an opportunity missed….however, when they finally do give in and let it all fly (clothes and all), it will be a highly anticipated episode.   Hopefully, the ugly blanket will be called upon to make its cameo. 

Next up…the veteran players and my confusion as to why many want them to play such leading roles in storylines…. (I can hear you all moaning with displeasure right now)…and why I like them just where they are….

The Muse Archives