By Carolyn Aspenson

I’m sitting here in LAX airport, the international terminal trying to get my brain moving in the right direction. I’m hopeful this will be the best column I’ve written. I’m feeling all sorts of huge pressure because I met so many people who read my stuff. Ugh! I’m not sure I can handle that! Not one person said anything negative about what I write. I’m sure they were thinking it, but none said it, so I consider that success! Oh, wait! One person did say she wouldn’t read my “Buh Bye Zander, Hello Nikolas” column because she’s a ZEM fan. Oh well, I still consider my columns a success! But I really do feel all sorts of pressure right now! But if you’ve read any of my columns, you know I don’t go into a whole lot of specific detail so if you’re looking for a blow by blow recap of the event, make sure to read Kathy’s comments. You know Kathy, she always details the specifics. Hey, anyone see Billy Warlock lately?

First and foremost, it is with great pride and a humongous sense of satisfaction that I can tell all of you,

I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!

But if you read Sherry’s commentary, you probably already knew that, didn’t you? I am so proud! Okay. Okay! I confess, I knew I would do it! I happen to agree with my husband. There are times when I can do and say anything simply for effect and this was certainly one of them. Katrina has a digital picture of Ted Kings reaction that is absolutely precious! You are going to love it! Folks, this is the real story. ANY additional descriptives Katrina or Kathy may put in any of their columns about me and Ted or me at all during the event are just pure lies! Lies! All of them! I sat in my room most of the time playing computer games! Honest! But here’s how it went.

I made sure to be one of the first in Ted Kings line. And thank God I did because they had to move him to another area due to the amount of women who thought they had a chance to steal him away from me! Pfft! He’s mine ladies! There are plenty of other attractive men at GH for you! Needless to say, I am so glad I got there when I did because as I continued to stalk his table, I often heard other women make reference to the episode of Sex and the City. Of course, I did it first! I simply said,“Hi. I don’t really need an autograph but I would like a picture.” He said sure, because what’s he going to do? Say no? So as I stood next to him, wishing I’d brought the super glue and stuck it on my back before he placed his wonderful hand on it, I said, “I do have a question for you” He turned and looked down at me (The guy is the perfect height!) and I said “Does it really look bigger when you shave?”

His jaw dropped and he smiled, rubbing his chin, with a tinge of red on his precious cheeks!

I of course showed all the tact in the world and bust a gut laughing profusely! So much for class Carolyn!

His comment to me was “You don’t know how much flack I’ve gotten for that! But I had to do it. I read the script and it was just too funny.” In response, with all the class I could muster up I moaned and babbled and giggled like my eleven year old and then he said “There is a lady on the show who always gives me a hard time about that too. You know her as Courtney.” I am now a Courtney fan! I said something stupid in this conversation at some point about him now being with the US goddess of sex, Kim Cattrall. He said that was a definite plus. I wanted to say, “Nice ass.” but the words just wouldn’t come! For those of you who didn’t read my column about this or didn’t see the episode, he was naked in it and we all got a lovely view of his well built, nicely toned butt! I wanted so badly for my hand to slip down from around his waist to give the bum a squeeze but I just couldn’t muster up the courage. Sure, I was feeling all coy and smart but the daringness had been stuffed back into it’s rightful place.

So after I stopped idiotically giggling I said I was glad he’s back on GH and that I really was bummed when his character Andy, was killed off on Charmed. He told me, “Yes, but I’m much happier here.” And I was much happier there too. Standing right next to him, that is.

Ted King was very pleasant. He dressed better than anyone else at the event, in a nice blackish gray suit, minus the Alcazar gaudy jewelry. I wanted to tell him to cut the growing mullet but I’d used up all the strength my kahunas could muster for the moment!

Next to Ted was the other most sexiest man on the show, none other than Blake Gibbons! Kathy and I scraped Katrina off the floor, mumbled words of encouragement and off she went, giggling like a preteen having a picture taken with Justin Timberlake! She grabbed on to Blake and smiled from ear to ear as cameras snapped. After Kathy and I closed our camera lenses we had to band together and with all the strength we could gather in strappy shoes, pull Katrina off of Blake! Damn her for not telling me SHE had the super glue! I’ll never forgive her for that one!

Blake was an absolute sweetheart! The tough guy brought his mother and father to the event! How sweet is that? And his father is very, very attractive. With all due respect to his mother, I have absolutely no clue what she looked like because I had Blake in front of me, his hottie dad to the right and Ted King to the left. My eyes simply would not focus on anyone else. There’s only so much I can do, you know? Has anyone seen Billy?

I was also lucky enough to talk for quite a bit with John J. York. Ladies, the man needs a storyline! He needs to have some sex. Lots and lots of sex. He is so amazingly sexy I was close to rethinking this Ted King thing! He was like candy! Gooey, rich chocolate that you take slowly into your mouth and enjoy every single solitary second of with no real regrets later, except that there simply wasn’t enough. OH, I should write romance novels! The double meaning there wasn’t intentional, honest! In all seriousness, he clued me into something that didn’t really sink in until later. For all of you who write to the study, don’t simply write to TPTB. The popularity of an actor is tabulated by the amount of fan mail the particular actor gets. So if you like Mac, like I like Mac, write to him at the studio! The more letters he gets, the more popular he is and the more airtime he gets! Guess that shows us who’s getting all the fan mail, huh? Cross out Maurice Benard and write John J. York. Where’s Billy? We just couldn’t find him anywhere, but boy oh boy the rumorville was buzzing!

By the way, other stars mentioned the same thing to me, about the writing to the character, that is. As a matter of fact, John Ingle (Edward Quartermaine made mention of the Quartermaine lack of storyline several times. Many, many times! Even in the beginning of the luncheon, when he played MC, he noted, when talking about Sonny and Carly, “These young people who work hard every single day.” He repeated ‘every single day’ several times. Point taken Mr. Ingle. I’m writing that letter this week!

When I sat and talked with Mr. Ingle, after offering to be his lover since Faith has turned to Ric, which he politely declined (meanie!) he discussed how frustrating the storylines are and how so many good actors aren’t getting any storyline. He asked that anyone and everyone write. We asked if it worked, he said it did. He said he was very impressed with the cake and balloons the Liason fans sent. He mentioned that everyone saw it, they actually brought it up on stage, sliced it up and ate it! Now, I’m not so sure that worked because Jason is still with Courtney, but our avid reporter, Kathy Hardeman did manage to get Steve to tell her that there are some excellent Liason scenes coming up soon. It may not be a love connection, but it’s something. And, you never know...with this car incident and all the stuff Courtney is going through, perhaps Liason has a one night stand and wa la! Baby Morgan! You just never know! Still looking for Billy Warlock! Anyone see him around?

I lectured Wally Kurth. He was shocked and embarrassed and I felt very bad about that! I told him I’d sent several letters begging and pleading for an interview but he neglected to contact me! He felt plum-awful about it and said he’d be happy to give me one. Hmm...I liked the sound of that. Oh, wait. Reality. It’s an interview he’d be happy to give me! Shoot! I hate it when I automatically go into my fantasy world! He was so sexy with those dimples. My son has dimples. I wonder if women will think he’s sweet and sexy. I hope not! He’s mine and I’m going to be the typical mother in law so all you young four year old girls out there having your mommy’s read you
this column, LOOK OUT! Sorry, got a bit carried away there.

Notice how I’ve only mentioned the men of GH so far? Do you think I actually took any time to meet any of the women? Pfft! You’re wrong! I did! So there! Geez, what do you think I am? I’ve got children! I’m a happily married woman! Oh crud! I did see women but I have no proof because all my pictures are with the men! Why waste the film? I know what I want! I want pictures of me with hot men. I may be faithful but I’m not stupid!

The first woman I went to I swear I scared the ‘you know what’ out of! Where’s that Kung Fu kickin, body guard gashin’ boat jumper gal now, huh? Actually, it was quite funny but I didn’t intend for what I said to come out like it did.

Let me premise, we all know I am not a big Courtney fan. I liked her with AJ and I like Alicia Willis, but I’m stuck in the rut of Courtney - inconsistency. She has no true character. One minute, naive, the next, butt kickin. I can’t follow.

So I walk up to her and I said, “I don’t want an autograph or a picture. I just have three things to say to you.” The look of fear on her face made even me feel terrible but to be honest, I did get a good giggle about it later.

She said “What?” with a look of pure horror on her face.

“Every time I see you I think of Frosted Flakes and Pizza Hut.”

She cracked up. I think she felt safe and didn’t consider me one of those rare stalker like people that her parents warned her about when she became an actor.

“Also, Ted King told me you give him a lot of grief about his episode of Sex and the City. I had to ask him if it really does look bigger when he shaves and he brought up your comments.”

She cracked up again. With an honest smile and a sense of relief even I felt. It was nice. I told her that I really like her acting abilities but that I thought the AJ and Courtney storyline was great and she had so much more to work with in that. She actually agreed. I found that to be interesting. But then again, what’s she going to do, say, “Oh, that sucked. I like working in the fab four much better. It’s more cash in my pocket.” I don’t think so. She was extremely gracious and very nice and I have to say, I really do like Alicia Willis and I’m going to try to not be so close minded about Courtney and Jason. Maybe. Baby steps. That’s all I can do is take baby steps.

At some point I had to pee. It’s what I do. When I walked out to the rest rooms, I saw “Tacky GH luncheon party crasher #1”. It did not impress me. Outside the ballroom sat Marissa Rameriz, clad in tight jeans and a soft pink spaghetti strapped tight shirt. Hello! Didn’t you leave the show? Didn’t you have some big primetime Miracle that didn’t end up being such a miracle after all? And I remember the nasty comments you made about GH after you left so I highly doubt you were invited here honey! I walked by her and gave her a “PFFT!” look that could ignite a match.

Shortly thereafter I felt the need to scurry up to NuGia, whom I happen to enjoy watching very much. Let me tell you this lady is all about class! Sitting in the chair less than two feet from her was, none other than. Yup. You guess it!

Marissa Rameriz!

WTF?!

Can you say TACKY?

I thought that was incredibly tacky. Incredibly! She sat right next to Leticia and Michael, whom I don’t think she shared even one scene with as Gia. Who knows, maybe she’s their best friend but I thought it was mighty inappropriate and of course, since I’d grow kahunas the size of grapefruits, I made mention of that little fact to Andrea Pearson. She handled it like a pro, agreeing with me but without words. I told her I thought Gia would be pregnant with Zanders baby and she said she’d heard that a few times. I also
told her I wanted to come back and talk later because the walls had ears. She agreed. I did and we chatted for quite a bit. I think she’s doing an amazing job with Gia, though we don’t see a lot of her! She agreed with the lack of exposure, so again, if you like the character, write the actor a letter and send it to the studio. I asked if I could interview her so let’s hope I’ve got something to post soon. All in all, I was very impressed with her composure in such an odd situation. But, I still can’t figure out where Billy is!

I thought I saw him around a corner, but when I went and looked, there was simply a shadow...

Chad Brannon is a doll. Ugh. I didn’t need to know he was nice because I’m frustrated with his character and the “Emily this, Emily that” problem he has. Put him with Gia and I see sparks. Emily? Nope. Sorry, she’s a Nik’str all the way!

At the point of meeting Chad, I was parched. I kept eyeing his pitcher of water to no avail. I finally decided to pump up the kahunas and said “Can I have that?  pointing to the water. He was so gracious he actually poured me a glass of water! Point for Chad! Personally, on TV I always thought he looked thicker than he really is. Not that I thought he was over weight by any means, just
thicker. He and Wally Kurth are both slim in the waist and frankly, it ticks me off. No man should have a smaller waist than me. Life is not meant to work like that.

Now folks, I want to clear up any confusion you might be feeling with respect to anything Katrina or Kathy might have said about me and Scott Egan. You know those two, they tend to exaggerate the facts. Blow everything out of proportion. Make a big deal out of nothing, etc. etc. etc.

Scott Egan does NOT want me!

Well, maybe just a little.

Friday night we sat out at the pool and Katrina saw him posing for pictures. She grabbed us, pulled us over and literally pushed me into Scott. I’m confident he had to maintain his balance because her shove was so powerful I almost knocked him over! We had our picture taken and his because of him, I walked around with the biggest friggin’ ego, stars included, at the event! He told me I had beautiful eyes. Okay, now I know you think I’m all full of crass comments and that I can say whatever, considering I mentioned Ted
Kings weenie and all, but this truly stumped me. I could barely make eye contact with the guy! How embarrassing! Afterwards I thought of at least 1,000 great comebacks but of course, it was too late. Don’t you just hate when that happens? Scott and I chatted and he said to write write write him some letters so he gets exposure and a storyline! He also asked that we all cheer for him loudly when they announce the actors at the luncheon. In all honesty, he got the biggest screams, applause and howls of the day. Expect,
of course when Robert and Sean came on. That took the “best applause” award for the day. Billy might have got an award but he was no where to be found!

At the luncheon itself I approached Scott and said I’d cheered as loud as I could. He hugged me and told me I was the sexiest woman he’d seen. I’m not sure if he meant ‘ever’ like in his whole life or just in the past 4 minutes. No worries though. I didn’t need to know the truth.

All flirting aside, Scott Egan is a wonderfully personable man and sexy as all get out! As much as I love my husband, who is just as sexy, actually more sexy in my eyes, it was a huge ego boost to sit and talk with Scott the four or five times I did. He is simply mesmerizing. As a matter of fact, Ms. Katrina was all flustered in his presence, which was quite entertaining to watch! Scott was quite impressed with what I said to Ted King! I think he thinks I’ve got kahunas too!

I realize that EOS shows no favoritism toward a specific actor but I am going to take it upon myself to suggest a write in campaign for Scott. He is a well loved character but apparently those of us who love him have lost our pens and paper. Or maybe we’re just out of stamps? I’m not sure but whatever the reason, let’s all start writing to the guy! He deserves a storyline but asks that any suggestions not include doing anything that will have Sonny kill him off. No Johnny, no Scott. You get the picture!

No, I did not see Steve Burton and I did not see Maurice Benard. I see them five days a week and frankly, I’m a bit tired of them. I looked for Billy Warlock but just couldn’t find him anywhere. I thought I saw him sitting behind Robyn Richards but when I went up to her, I saw it was a beverage stand. I guess it was just wishful thinking.

Since Jonathan Jackson, my Lucky, wasn’t there crashing the event, I meandered my way over to Greg Vaughn’s table. Once the insanely excited young women let go of him, we had a nice little conversation. He asked where I was from,etc. I told him I loved him on Charmed and he looked great as an old guy. (If you’re not a Charmed watcher than you’ll just have to guess at that one!) I told him I missed his other hair and he said he did too. He couldn’t believe I have three children and I did forget to mention that my daughters are mine by acquisition, not actual biology. Hey, if someone’s going to give me a compliment, I’m not going to give them the chance to retract it! He was very sweet and I want to personally squelch any rumor about him being either drunk or stoned at the event. Honestly. Having had a brother with a terrible drug problem for 21 years of my life I know the signs of drunk and/or stoned. Greg Vaughn was neither. Someone decided to make reference to that and I heard it in passing and I’m here to tell you it is a flat out lie! He was gracious and friendly and generally excited to be there. He hugged every woman who came up to him. And listen folks, for those of you that weren’t there, it was HOT! I’m confident some of those wonderful women did not smell so fresh by the time they got to Greg. The man is a saint! Billy Warlock must be a saint too, as in a ghostly one, because he was simply no where to be found this whole weekend!

My next venture was over to the ever handsome Tyler Christopher. He was just getting ready to leave so Kathy and I were blessed to be one of the last few visiting with him. He seemed a bit impatient and being the wonderfully accommodating woman I am, I decided to jump right in. I simply asked for a picture, but requested he cry in it because he cries better than any man I’ve ever seen. Check back with me. I’ll let you know if there were tears in the photograph! He really was pleasant but other than nice to meet you, he didn’t say much. A man of few words....hmm. He must be all about action and

I didn’t get to meet Robyn Richards but let me tell you, the girl’s got a figure to die for! She wore a cute little bright colored print top and these totally California white skin tight crop pants. Not one little dimple of skin to be found. As she walked by me I made mention of remembering when I had a body like that! Ha! In my dreams! I’ve never had a body like that! In all honesty, she is much lovelier than represented on TV.

I attended part of Tamara Braun's event but honestly, by the time it started I was so over the whole event thing I wanted to bolt. She had Cynthia, Alicia, Dillon and Rick with her and though it was fun, I scooted out shortly after asking my question. I arrived late because Katrina was interviewing Scott Egan and I was in the mood of a little ego stroking. Luckily I went because Katrina was mesmerized and didn’t write a whole lot down. However, as time passes I don’t really remember much of the interview myself!

Tamara Braun is as thin in person as she is on TV and there are a lot of her personal mannerisms in Carly. I found that interesting because I didn’t notice it with any of the other actors. She didn’t, obviously, have her baby attached to her belly but I did get to ask her about her characters pregnancy. “I have three children (again, a biological lie that no one needs to know!) and with each one, as my stomach grew, so did my butt. When is Carly’s butt going to grow?”

She found that quite funny and said likely when the boobs do, which is probably never. She said she is often asked by the crew and actors when she’s going to start wearing falsies, which she then pulls out of her bra and aggressively throws at them. Ouch! That had to hurt the ego Tamara!

Rick Hearst by the way, is absolutely charming! I think it’s quite funny that he plays this evil man because he is so different than the character. He basically said, when asked how he justifies doing the things Ric does, that it’s a paycheck and that’s the justification. Makes sense to me! Hey, we have to remember, this is a SOAP OPERA, it’s not real life. How many of us get to go to our boss and say, “Listen, we have a lot of clients who depend on me and right now the job you’re making me do isn’t sitting well with them and I’m not going to do it anymore so you need to stop making me and start making me to something my clients will like.” Hello real world!
These are actors and they have families and bills and expenses just like all of us do.

Well, maybe they have less expenses but who knows.

Tacky Event Crasher #2:

Two Emilies for the price of one! Amber Tamblyn came into the Quartermaine Brunch and hit us all up to watch her new show. I thought it was quite tacky and honestly, extremely inappropriate. She’s on another network and frankly, there is a new Emily. If we want to watch Amber’s show, we all know how to work our TV’s, don’t we? Maybe it’s because I’m not a fan of Amber but I still think her parading in all smug and such to tout her new show on another network lacked class and respect. ‘Enuff said.

A few comments about the events in general. Debby O’Connor and Debbie Morris were wonderful. They and their staff worked their butts off and did a fantastic job! I was very impressed with the set up, the elegance of it all and the presentation. I got a bit bored with the raffle stuff but I realize there are several people out there who really are into this stuff and want to bring things home. I’m not like that. I wanted to get a few pictures, attack Ted King and leave peacefully. I was partly successful! The two women worked very hard and were very tired but they kept smiling throughout the whole scope of events and their stars should be very proud of and thankful for their efforts.

I know that General Hospital is fiction. We all know that. But I guess when you’re used to calling a person by a staged characters name, you just can’t help but do it when you meet them. I noticed a lot of people doing that and in all confidence to the actors, several mentioned to me that it’s a bit creepy when people think they’re actually the character, not the person. One even told me he was threatened with a slap across the face at one time. Gotta love that!

Rumors flew about Billy Warlock and each actor asked, except one (not to be mentioned) said he hadn’t been let go. One told me he had so in the event it’s true, I will consider this person to be honest and the others to be doing what is necessary to keep their jobs! But I’ll respect the other person much, much more!

I did meet some very lovely fans. I sat at a table at the luncheon with two nice women who’d read my column on Rebecca Herbst and liked it, so of course the added ego stroking made me feel great! I’d love to mention their names because I do want to give them a great big thank you but I CAN’T REMEMBER! I’m so sorry to them because they were just so nice and made a point to say hello to me each time they saw me. For what it’s worth, I’m terrible with names. Really! For example, I often call my dog my kids names and my kids my cat and dogs names. I hope that relieves me of any nasty comments!

Now, for the really great stuff. A few comments about Katrina and Kathy.

Was it a bit odd meeting up with two people I’d never physically met, that I’d met only on the creepy internet? Well, frankly, no! It should have been but having worked closely with them at EOS it was really easy. Kathy and I hit it off so well we slept together the very first night!

We shared a hotel room people! Get your minds of out the gutter! Geez!

We all got along great and they really are wonderful people. Everyone knew Katrina either by face or by the website and she should feel immense pride for all the wonderful compliments she received. For those who don’t really know what goes into a site such as EOS, it’s a lot of hard work. And Katrina comes to bat, hitting home runs every day at EOS. If it weren’t for her and her site, we’d be missing out on a lot of fun! Kathy, on the other hand. Boy oh boy! She is quite possibly the most positive, most happy, least judgmental person I have ever met. I hate that! Seriously, she tries hard to be a good person and she’s successful. There are many, many people who make the effort but none with the caliber of Kathy. Both ladies are simply good people. I felt honored and humbled in their presence.

For those of you other writers who didn’t get the chance to attend the fan event I’m sure you will enjoy reading all the juice we’ve got to report. For those of you writers who feel it’s necessary to comment negatively about our attendance and what we may to say we realize it’s simply out of jealousy. We know. We’ve felt it before too. But remember, there’s always next year!

On a side note, my email carolyn@eyeonsoaps.com was linked to a private email address that wouldn’t accept emails from anyone other than those on my address book. I’ve continued to gripe about not getting emails and now I know why. If you emailed me and I didn’t respond, I’m not rude. I’m simply a computer idiot. But I’ve fixed that and am hopeful I’ll get an email or two! I didn’t report every incident or every conversation so if you have any questions I’ll do my best to respond with what I can remember.

Have a great week!

NOTE FROM KATRINA:  FOR MORE "BUT WHERE'S BILLY??" FUN, CLICK HERE!