12:14 am - Tried and true ways to get sent to the counselor's office

I know some of you are still in school, so for your benefit, I submit a few entirely original ways to orchestrate a little bit of quiet time away from the crowd and away from class, ones I've personally used. I was on a first-name basis with most of my school staff, so it got to the point where they'd just let me take a break whenever I wanted and lie down for a bit instead of bothering the school counselor. They're not as good as Adam Sandler's, but they work.

1. Integrate the phrase "...as I hate Hell, all Montagues, and thee" into your dialogue as often as possible. Plus, it's a kickass line.

2. Never refer to a person by name. Assign a color to everybody you know. If anybody asks why they're called Red, tell them it's because they're Irish. This works great on dark-skinned people. Don't let them tell you otherwise. Refer to all sluts as Blue. Don't tell them it's because of what they did on their last bathroom break. But let them imagine.

3. When somebody's talking to you, bust up laughing for no apparent reason. Then deny that you did it.

4. Let somebody know that you're well-licked by everybody. Repeat yourself only if asked.

5. Decide on whom you will refer to as "Big Gussie." This works best with normal-sized people, so it doesn't look like you're just being mean if you name a short person this. When the person attempts to correct you, laugh and pat him on the back, and say "Ha ha, that's ol' Gussie for you. He'll never admit it."

6. Occasionally, break off of one of your own sentences, stare off into space, and whisper "Mango!"

7. Ask people why they're still alive, then look at your watch. Mutter "oh," then walk off. (People ripped this one offa me all the time.)

8. Walk into the teacher's lounge and act like you belong there. Make yourself some coffee, refer to teachers by the first names, and complain about those damned kids.

9. On the first day, when your teacher's learning names, he/she will always ask if anybody was missed. Raise your hand (even if you responded to your name earlier) and make up a realistic name. Then, when it's asked if anybody else was missed, raise your hand and give another name. When reprimanded, begin to answer, then look quickly off to the side and say "shut up, you guys!"

10. Wait five seconds before responding to anything. Don't pretend to have anything better to do, just continue doing what you were doing, even if it's staring off into space. Especially if you're propositioned for a high-five. Continue using items five seconds after they're taken away from you. This works fantastically if you're in choir or band. Or drama. Whenever you go anywhere in a car, ask to drive. If somebody calls out "shotgun!" call it five seconds later.

11. From time to time, tell people that you've never killed anybody. Twice per conversation is about right. Three if it's a long one.

12. At your desk, move your thumbs like you're playing a video game and hum the theme song from your favorite game. Refuse to answer anybody...at least, until you finish the level.

13. Talk about Kyle a lot. Never deny that Kyle is made up and doesn't exist. You'll be asked why you talk about him. Just shrug and say you don't know.

14. Answer all questions in the form of interpretive dance.

15. Before sitting down, Riverdance until the bell rings. Then stomp the ground once loudly, throw your hand into the air, and, if you feel it's appropriate, remove your shirt.

16. On quizzes, treat every question like a trick question and get excruciatingly tedious in your search for reasons why the question can't be answered.

17. Better yet, respond with questions of your own, ones that begin with "More to the point, ......"

18. Correct every ditto sheet. I did this all the time. Get anal on grammer, i.e. whom vs. who, dangling particibles, and ending sentences with prepositions. The difference between that and which, is a very easy one to nail, but my favorite was always when a person is referred to with "that," as in "I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch." Fuck, do I hate LFO. And I hate Abercrombie and Fitch. And Old Navy will be put out of business when I take over. Everybody with any executive authority on what goes into the commercials will be executed. But that's beside the point.

19. Waving to somebody can look an awful lot like a Nazi heil. My cult actually made a practice of this among each other, but I don't recommend this for anybody else. Starting a cult is a little bit beyond the scope of most people.

20. Odd personal affectations. Pacifier. Bathrobe. A tie, tied perfectly around your forearm. An actual rope noose around your neck. When asked to "take that off," get creative on what you're being asked to remove. Start with the shoe to get a feel for it. When you're told specifically what to remove, ask where it says in the dress code that you can't wear it. If it's actually in there (you might be surprised), say "Look, we can argue semantics all day. So let's do that." Then attempt to argue semantics all day.