know some of you are still in school, so for your benefit, I submit a
few entirely original ways to orchestrate a little bit of quiet time
away from the crowd and away from class, ones I've personally used. I
was on a first-name basis with most of my school staff, so it got to
the point where they'd just let me take a break whenever I wanted and
lie down for a bit instead of bothering the school counselor. They're
not as good as Adam Sandler's, but they work.
1. Integrate the phrase "...as I hate Hell, all Montagues, and thee"
into your dialogue as often as possible. Plus, it's a kickass line.
2. Never refer to a person by name. Assign a color to everybody you
know. If anybody asks why they're called Red, tell them it's because
they're Irish. This works great on dark-skinned people. Don't let them
tell you otherwise. Refer to all sluts as Blue. Don't tell them it's
because of what they did on their last bathroom break. But let them
3. When somebody's talking to you, bust up laughing for no apparent
reason. Then deny that you did it.
4. Let somebody know that you're well-licked by everybody. Repeat
yourself only if asked.
5. Decide on whom you will refer to as "Big Gussie." This works best
with normal-sized people, so it doesn't look like you're just being
mean if you name a short person this. When the person attempts to
correct you, laugh and pat him on the back, and say "Ha ha, that's ol'
Gussie for you. He'll never admit it."
6. Occasionally, break off of one of your own sentences, stare off
into space, and whisper "Mango!"
7. Ask people why they're still alive, then look at your watch. Mutter
"oh," then walk off. (People ripped this one offa me all the time.)
8. Walk into the teacher's lounge and act like you belong there. Make
yourself some coffee, refer to teachers by the first names, and
complain about those damned kids.
9. On the first day, when your teacher's learning names, he/she will
always ask if anybody was missed. Raise your hand (even if you
responded to your name earlier) and make up a realistic name. Then,
when it's asked if anybody else was missed, raise your hand and give
another name. When reprimanded, begin to answer, then look quickly off
to the side and say "shut up, you guys!"
10. Wait five seconds before responding to anything. Don't pretend to
have anything better to do, just continue doing what you were doing,
even if it's staring off into space. Especially if you're
propositioned for a high-five. Continue using items five seconds after
they're taken away from you. This works fantastically if you're in
choir or band. Or drama. Whenever you go anywhere in a car, ask to
drive. If somebody calls out "shotgun!" call it five seconds later.
11. From time to time, tell people that you've never killed anybody.
Twice per conversation is about right. Three if it's a long one.
12. At your desk, move your thumbs like you're playing a video game
and hum the theme song from your favorite game. Refuse to answer
anybody...at least, until you finish the level.
13. Talk about Kyle a lot. Never deny that Kyle is made up and doesn't
exist. You'll be asked why you talk about him. Just shrug and say you
14. Answer all questions in the form of interpretive dance.
15. Before sitting down, Riverdance until the bell rings. Then stomp
the ground once loudly, throw your hand into the air, and, if you feel
it's appropriate, remove your shirt.
16. On quizzes, treat every question like a trick question and get
excruciatingly tedious in your search for reasons why the question
can't be answered.
17. Better yet, respond with questions of your own, ones that begin
with "More to the point, ......"
18. Correct every ditto sheet. I did this all the time. Get anal on
grammer, i.e. whom vs. who, dangling particibles, and ending sentences
with prepositions. The difference between that and which, is a very
easy one to nail, but my favorite was always when a person is referred
to with "that," as in "I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch."
Fuck, do I hate LFO. And I hate Abercrombie and Fitch. And Old Navy
will be put out of business when I take over. Everybody with any
executive authority on what goes into the commercials will be
executed. But that's beside the point.
19. Waving to somebody can look an awful lot like a Nazi heil. My cult
actually made a practice of this among each other, but I don't
recommend this for anybody else. Starting a cult is a little bit
beyond the scope of most people.
20. Odd personal affectations. Pacifier. Bathrobe. A tie, tied
perfectly around your forearm. An actual rope noose around your neck.
When asked to "take that off," get creative on what you're being asked
to remove. Start with the shoe to get a feel for it. When you're told
specifically what to remove, ask where it says in the dress code that
you can't wear it. If it's actually in there (you might be surprised),
say "Look, we can argue semantics all day. So let's do that." Then
attempt to argue semantics all day.