This is a simple column by a complex
Dumb-asses need not apply.
If you flatter yourself to be
a bright spot in the universe
and aren't offended by "psychotic breaks," welcome.
If you're a little frightened, well, all the better.
We kinda like you like that... with hot sauce.
“Is it too late to change my major?”
The media is killing my social life.
Here it is, the
wondrous holiday season, a time for parties, shopping sprees, girls’ night
out at the Melting Pot for some wild fondue and wine (and I don’t even
drink), and general mixing with the crème de la crème of society. Good
will toward mankind and all that, right?
Thanks to the broadcast and print journalists locally, I’ve quarantined
myself and my family instead, due to a preternatural paranoid fear of
dying from the FLU OF 2003. I also just found out from a strangely
resigned and mournful receptionist at my son’s pediatric office that
further news of a flu vaccine shortage may end with no 2nd shot for my
22-month-old son. “The nurse is looking to find an extra resource, so
check back later in the week,” the receptionist sighed. She may as well
have told me, “You’re doomed, you stupid bitch! That’s what you get for
letting yourself get talked out of forcing the issue back in October when
you had a chance to get all the shots over and done with when there wasn’t
But I blame the media anyway, for exaggerating every bit of news and
gossip as if it’s the SECOND COMING of Christ, Armageddon and the end of
the world in one fell, superfluous swoop.
Everything reported is always over-the-top. Rain is not merely cold, it’s
now “a wicked rainstorm of biblical proportions!” Around every corner is
the latest social disease, the 21st century version of terrorism,
perpetuated by an avarice-driven need to rule in the ratings, by hook,
crook and marketing executives tying every children’s toy in to every
other corporation selling product to the highest bidder.
SARS and West Nile started it all. One resident succumbs to some coughing
fits, and suddenly, the traveler from Hong Kong is carrying the deadly
SARS virus. A cow tips over on its own, and suddenly, an autopsy reveals a
mosquito on its ass filled to the brink with the deadly West Nile virus.
Don’t eat at Chinese restaurants, is the subliminal message, underlying
vague, half-hearted reassurances that, OF COURSE YOU CAN’T GET SARS EATING
FOOD PREPARED BY POSSIBLY TAINTED HONG KONG REFUGEES (even though, Lord
knows what sick shit these savages eat, wink wink). Don’t leave even a dog
bowl full of water out back because soon, a swarm of killer mosquitoes
will infestate and leave your carcass a bloody mass to infect every body
else within a one million-mile radius, not even OFF will save you!
Run for the hills! Hide in your room barricaded with steel walls,
bullet-proof windows and live like the boy in the bubble! At least you
have 24/7 cable for the infomercials and more news preemptions screaming
dire threats like Chicken Little! God help us all, we’re all gonna
Sometimes I can almost talk myself into believing the news anchors are
secretly pleasuring themselves under the counter while they spurt out the
goriest of news and gossip details. They probably all had one huge
collective multi-orgasm following 9/11. This flu epidemic shit’s a wet
dream. “Several elderly in a nursing home have died of the flu in Spokane.
Could this deadly virus hit Seattle next?! Oh! Oh! Ah... I’m coming!”
The only voice of reason in this mess is from a known conservative
heretic, Michael Savage, the shock-jock of radio who isn’t exactly a
harbinger of good and accurate news and gossip in the political world. He
merely suggests loading up on pure vitamin C, preferably the powdered
stuff found at Trader Joe’s. And if the liberals disagree, then, according
to Mr. Medicine Man, they can get two flu shots on each buttock and fuck
themselves. But even Savage agrees that children at risk and young
children should be vaccinated.
Oh Lord, I’m screwed.
“Oh! Oh! Ah... I’m coming!”
Where the fuck were these professionals when it counted, back in September
when I first read of the flu epidemic about to destroy the West Coast.
Instead of listing all the places I could get the flu shots at, or the
possible conflict of information that will surely confront me once I got
my lazy ass to a drugstore, or what to do when the receptionist at my
son’s doctor’s office doesn’t exactly help by encouraging me to go to the
drugstore instead of offering a better, more accurate option of getting
the shot from a nurse at that office...the articles merely state and
reiterate how deadly the flu is going to be this year and already little
tiny babies are dying by the boatload (if you count four as boatload).
NOW the articles are listing resources, but it’s a little too fucking late
don’t ‘ya think, dipshits? One expert quoted commented on how impossible
the situation has become. To paraphrase him, You tell people to get flu
shots or they’ll die, and then when they obey you, you tell them you’re
out of the flu shots. WTF?
The good news is, my husband and I have been vaccinated. In a few more
days, we’ll be fully shielded from half of the symptoms of the flu viruses
(that’s right, plural) out there. The most deadly, the one causing the
orgasmic cries of “Epidemic!” isn’t covered completely, because it mutated
after the health professionals made a vaccine out of the one last year,
last year where they couldn’t even give away the flu shots.
The bad news is, I’m scared to death that my son will get the flu
regardless, because mommy was too scared to aggressively pursue giving him
the two-dose flu vaccine back in October when she had a chance, because
mommy was told by the media that immunizations and vaccines could possibly
cause autism in children (but nobody really knows for sure except the
families victimized by autism after one too many inoculations, wink,
See how this works?
I hope the media enjoys its millions, earned so cheaply at my expense.
I should’ve changed my major to medicine when I had the chance.
Note from Katrina
aka EOS Management: I would like to encourage ALL parents NOT to
automatically vaccinate their children just because someone tells you to
(or because the media whips up such a hysteria that you are terrified if
you don't and terrified if you do) any more than you would perform
surgery or take any other type of invasive action on an otherwise healthy
child without investigating all angles thoroughly. Read, research
and learn about all arguments on all sides and then make an informed
decision about the care of your child. Don't agree to invasive
procedures on your healthy child without doing your own investigating of
the process. There are pros and cons to routine childhood
immunization, so please, study both sides objectively and without
prejudice to either. Work from the direction of learning what is
safest and best for your child, not from serving one side of the argument
or the other. The only way to be sure you are acting responsibly is
to work from a completely educated perspective, not just because you were
told to do so. You will find extremely vocal pressures for each side
of the issue all over the web and of course, the general consensus all
over the US is that you're just a really, really bad parent if you don't
vaccinate. Research and carefully study both sides and then decide
what's best for your family.