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As those of you who have read my Nonsoapy Journal know, I'm no fan of housework. I have the deepest admiration for people like my friend, Carolyn Aspenson, the Diva of Clean, who are able to jump in there and just get it done, cleaning like a woman possessed and not resting well in their own skin until it's done. It is an act of extreme will for me to wipe a table, push a vacuum or wash a dish. My resistance to it is truly a natural phenomenon. That doesn't mean I don't want or appreciate a clean house. Very little makes me happier than to be in a house that is neat, orderly, tidy and clean. I just despise being the one to do it. I'd rather be Ferdinand the Bull, sitting in flowers, smelling their sweetness, feeling the sunshine on my face and relaxing until the bee stings me on the ass and motivates me into motion. My house is not unlivable. I'm actually doing much better than I ever have in the past, but that doesn't mean I like it. I recently had a conversation with one of my Eye on Soaps staff writers, Kelly B, about how clean is in the eye on the beholder. Houdini knew the secret of a clean house for people like myself: Illusion is everything. After talking with Kelly, I suspect there are more of "us" out there. This conversation is presented to help you feel less alone if you happen to be in the club. Hello. My name is Katrina. I have Cleaning Resistance Syndrome. (Hi, Katrina!) and so it goes... Katrina (6:31:51 PM): hey, beybee KellyB (6:31:57 PM): hey KellyB (6:31:59 PM): what's up Katrina (6:32:00 PM): pfft Katrina (6:32:02 PM): nuffin Katrina (6:32:04 PM): just checking in on you Katrina (6:32:06 PM): you doing OK? KellyB (6:32:09 PM): yeah i'm ok KellyB (6:32:16 PM): i know i haven't written in awhile KellyB (6:32:19 PM): my bad Katrina (6:32:23 PM): nah, don't worry about that Katrina (6:32:31 PM): it shouldn't ever be an obligation Katrina (6:32:36 PM): do it when it feels right KellyB (6:32:37 PM): school's kicking my ass Katrina (6:32:50 PM): it's a hard gig KellyB (6:33:00 PM): fer sure Katrina (6:33:13 PM): be sure and pamper yourself a bit KellyB (6:33:14 PM): I’m gonna try - just feel like I’m on the hamster wheel KellyB (6:33:16 PM): happy belated birthday Katrina (6:33:31 PM): hey, thanks, it was a great one KellyB (6:33:43 PM): we had a bad storm here a few weeks back KellyB (6:33:58 PM): we still haven't heard from the insurance companies Katrina
(6:34:10 PM): I'll bet they're processing a LOT of claims KellyB (6:34:19 PM): both our roofs were totaled. KellyB (6:34:34 PM): yeah, and with the hurricane(s) it's probably a lot worse than normal Katrina (6:34:41 PM): absolutely Katrina (6:34:48 PM): which still doesn't help you KellyB (6:35:02 PM): we got an estimate on the house roof - $24,695 Katrina (6:35:08 PM): whoa! KellyB (6:35:12 PM): and the office $8,000 Katrina (6:35:16 PM): that's more than my parent's whole house cost KellyB (6:35:20 PM): lol KellyB (6:35:29 PM): yeah, well everything happens for the best Katrina (6:35:43 PM): we have to believe that Katrina (6:35:46 PM): and it doesn't usually happen on our schedule KellyB (6:35:57 PM): actually, with our house on the market - we've needed a new roof and I was always nervous that it would be a deal breaker if we got an offer Katrina (6:36:21 PM): I have to confess Katrina (6:36:27 PM): I tend to require a roof on the houses I buy Katrina (6:36:29 PM): it's a fetish KellyB (6:36:46 PM): yeah, most peeps do KellyB (6:37:05 PM): it's just a waiting game, just hate it when i have absolutely no control KellyB (6:37:11 PM): it's a virgo thang Katrina (6:37:14 PM): that's really, really hard for me too Katrina (6:37:16 PM): yes it surely is Katrina (6:37:24 PM): I was talking to Coggie about Virgos the other day KellyB (6:37:28 PM): is she one too? Katrina (6:37:33 PM): she has a lot of Virgo in her chart, but she's a Sagittarius KellyB (6:37:38 PM): hmmm KellyB (6:37:47 PM): mine is coming up KellyB (6:37:49 PM): next Monday KellyB (6:38:00 PM): the 13th - what's the numerology behind that? Katrina (6:38:13 PM): just the 13 itself is beautiful Katrina (6:38:24 PM): 1+3 = 4 which is balance Katrina (6:38:31 PM): stability KellyB (6:38:32 PM): interesting Katrina (6:38:34 PM): good stuff for a Virgo KellyB (6:38:45 PM): my address is 301 = 4 Katrina (6:39:06 PM): there you go KellyB (6:39:13 PM): stability is good, but what's the number for hot sex? KellyB (6:39:14 PM): LOL – 68? Do me and I’ll owe you one? Katrina (6:39:18 PM): This was my take on Virgos in the Coggie conversation: Katrina (6:39:20 PM): It took me a long time to fully embrace my Virgo because I'm NOT (as you may tell from my journals) a neatnik. I got so tired of people telling me I can't POSSIBLY be a Virgo because I don't give fuck all about housecleaning. I positively hate it in a really profound way. I'm a control freak and I get exceptionally uncomfortable when things aren't going my way, mostly because it's not just pretense. I actually DO know best the majority of the time (if e-mails had inflection you would be highly impressed by my ability to say that without ego or arrogance). Because Eric is a STRONG Scorpio/Leo mix, he's a force of nature who is bound and determined to do things his way. Fortunately, his Cancer moon makes him ALWAYS need a mommy figure. I've had to learn to give him enough rope once in a while, but invariably, he comes back and tells me he should have listened to me and I say, "mmm hmmm" and help him clean up the mess. I actually become EXCITED when someone offers a better idea than I have, so I know it's not just that I blindly think I know best. The hard part is sitting back and watching someone totally fuck up (in Eric's case, often taking MY life along with it) once they've refused my wisdom. Of course, I'm dead assed wrong sometimes, but it's not often and it totally perplexes the complete hell out of me when it happens. When I am drawing a blank and don't have a clue what to do, I have NO trouble asking the wise people around me for help. Virgo manifests in so many ways, but it's always about controlling things in some fashion. I also think that the other half of Virgo, which is "I analyze," is part of what gives us not just the right, but the responsibility to control things. In an instant, we've thought something to death from a hundred different angles while everyone else is still registering that something has even happened. Katrina (6:39:59 PM): So that's my Virgo speech KellyB (6:40:32 PM): badass - where's that from? Divadigest? Katrina (6:40:42 PM): no, my letter to Coggie, she and I were astro-bantering. KellyB (6:41:18 PM): i agree totally with the cleaning thing -we are supposed to be so into order and shit. Well I like order and to be organized because I like to be in control and I don't trust others to do it right - how's that for honesty? KellyB (6:41:26 PM): but i frickin hate to clean with a passion Katrina (6:41:29 PM): meeee tooo KellyB (6:41:37 PM): I’m the anti-Carolyn Aspenson KellyB (6:41:55 PM): the Diva of Dirt, as it were Katrina (6:41:56 PM): I was going to do an Auntie Carolyn (anti-Carolyn) column KellyB (6:42:00 PM): hehee Katrina (6:42:04 PM): and give hints on how to make your house look clean Katrina (6:42:06 PM): without actually cleaning it KellyB (6:42:08 PM): ooohhh how about the illusion of clean? Katrina (6:42:17 PM): like before my dad would come home Katrina (6:42:30 PM): my mom would put a saucer of pine sol in the vents to the house Katrina (6:42:36 PM): and turn on the blower Katrina (6:42:53 PM): and spot clean 4-5 places on the floor KellyB (6:42:55 PM): do you know you can get about 4 regular sized loads of laundry stuffed into a dryer? KellyB (6:42:57 PM): two words: low lighting Katrina
(6:42:58 PM): we should totally do the column Katrina (6:43:07 PM): three words: Mr Clean Erasers KellyB (6:43:15 PM): omg - best invention since tampax Katrina (6:43:18 PM): paint walls instead of clean KellyB (6:43:25 PM): listen to this KellyB (6:43:56 PM): i used to work at a hotel/conf. center - the Houstonian in Houston (duh) which was George Bush's (SR.) legal Texas residence KellyB (6:44:20 PM): the place needed a major renovation, but usually no money - and of course he didn't pay shit to use it KellyB (6:44:42 PM): so every time before he came for a visit - we would paint all the doorframes of the suite Katrina (6:44:54 PM): shit yeah! KellyB (6:44:57 PM): so you would get a whiff of fresh paint and ASSume that the whole place had been redone Katrina (6:45:03 PM): brilliant! KellyB (6:45:17 PM): flip cushions on the sofa/chairs to hide the stains and rips Katrina (6:45:26 PM): Mine have been flipped too many times Katrina (6:45:30 PM): I need covers KellyB (6:45:32 PM): flowers on the dining table covered a big ass scratch Katrina (6:45:48 PM): whoo hooo! Katrina (6:45:51 PM): make a list, woman! KellyB (6:45:56 PM): ok KellyB (6:46:12 PM): we'll compile the best tips for being a secret slob KellyB (6:46:17 PM): sounds good Katrina (6:46:26 PM): yeah!! Katrina (6:46:39 PM): cause there's nothing a true virgo likes more Katrina (6:46:45 PM): than efficient short cuts KellyB
(6:47:00 PM): our real estate agent called us before we officially put the
house on the market saying he needed some pics to email to a prospective
buyer KellyB (6:47:22 PM): we spot cleaned like 4 rooms and set the pixels lower so you can't see the dirt and dust Katrina (6:47:24 PM): there you go KellyB (6:47:32 PM): too bad you can't do that to peeps eyes Katrina (6:47:37 PM): definitely KellyB (6:47:57 PM): i think clean is a subconscious thing Katrina (6:48:20 PM): it's very subjective, that's for sure KellyB (6:48:25 PM): if the entry is good, the bathroom not disgusting and it smells "clean" - you're in like flynn Katrina
(6:48:35 PM): I can look at a room and think it's perfect and Eric will
bitch about it KellyB (6:48:44 PM): dump him KellyB (6:48:45 PM): haha j/k KellyB (6:49:07 PM): i am a packrat with magazines and catalogs KellyB (6:49:13 PM): that's half the shit in my house Katrina (6:49:20 PM): I have boxes and boxes and boxes of crap in my shed Katrina (6:49:36 PM): that I've moved from house to house KellyB (6:49:44 PM): been there - moved that Katrina (6:49:53 PM): I have a mountain of clean laundry in my laundry room to be folded Katrina (6:50:01 PM): like 10-12 loads easily KellyB (6:50:10 PM): shit, sometimes my laundry room looks like I take in other peeps laundry KellyB (6:50:27 PM): and why is it that there are always those clothes that never seem to make it into a load - Katrina (6:50:29 PM): I haven't been in my upstairs since I got up from my nap at noon Katrina (6:50:39 PM): and then, I hadn't been there prior to going there for my nap at 11 KellyB
(6:50:54 PM): i don't know if it's hand washables or dry cleanables or
what Katrina (6:51:47 PM): if it doesn't go into my dryer and washer, it doesnt' go into my house Katrina (6:51:55 PM): and I haven't used my ironing board in years and years Katrina (6:52:31 PM): I have to confess, sometimes when I've done a perk up in the last 15 minutes before Eric gets home, he tells me how wonderful the house looks Katrina (6:53:13 PM): Eeep!! Katrina (6:53:18 PM): I just got an e-mail from Carolyn Katrina (6:53:20 PM): she sensed us; she must know what we’re talking about. She’s found us. Shit. Katrina (6:53:32 PM): lol KellyB (6:53:40 PM): she senses a disturbance in the force Katrina (6:52:42 PM): she did Katrina (6:53:56 PM): I have Eric trained to call me when he's a half hour from the house KellyB (6:53:58 PM): hahahah KellyB (6:54:14 PM): long enough to get the sheet marks smoothed out of your face? Katrina (6:54:24 PM): you got it Katrina (6:54:30 PM): and some incense burning Katrina (6:54:40 PM): and if I feel really froggy, some dishes washed KellyB (6:54:44 PM): i like that mega orange or whatever the hell it's called KellyB (6:54:56 PM): i spritz that in the return of the a/c KellyB (6:54:58 PM): so it goes all over the house Katrina (6:55:00 PM): I like Simple Green KellyB (6:55:25 PM): my new fave cleaner product (smell) is Fantastic Oxy Katrina (6:55:35 PM): haven't tried it yet KellyB (6:55:39 PM): it reminds me of good old fashioned soap clean KellyB (6:55:55 PM): of course it's all done with perfumes to simulate real soap smell, but hey Katrina (6:56:05 PM): I'll have to try it KellyB (6:56:14 PM): i also like the bottle - cobalt blue KellyB (6:56:18 PM): one of my little buddies was over here collecting some old dishes for use in his new apartment and I foisted some off on him Katrina (6:56:20 PM): lol KellyB (6:56:25 PM): i was telling him this stuff was great, it was badass, it was... KellyB (6:56:30 PM): and he goes: "Fantastic." He's such a smartass i love him to death - i was trying to get his "you're so goofy Kel voice " Katrina (6:57:08 PM): lol KellyB (6:57:20 PM): oh yeah, you can also dab a little Lysol behind your ears and baby if that ain't an aphrodisiac, i don't know what is Katrina (6:57:31 PM): ha Katrina (6:57:51 PM): I just put my knees behind my ears. That works too KellyB (6:58:04 PM): open for bizness Katrina (6:58:12 PM): yep, but hurry cuz I'm tired from all this not cleaning. KellyB (6:59:18 PM): hahaha - when did sleep begin getting higher ratings than an orgasm? Katrina (7:00:01 PM): I dunno, like around 1994 I think
(Actual unauthorized
photographic evidence of June Cleaver
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