How to Tell If You Are Ready to Have a Child

MESS TEST
 
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.  Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing
tacks).  Have a friend spread them all over the house.  Put on
 a blindfold.  Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen in the middle of
the night.  Do not scream.

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them 
with you as you shop.  Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they  eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.  Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend 
from the ceiling with a cord.  Start the jug swinging.  Try to insert  
spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while
pretending to be an airplane. Then dump the contents of the jug on
the  floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At  3:00p.m., begin to waltz and 
hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your
alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song 
you have ever heard.  Make up about a dozen more and sing these 
too until 4:00a.m.  Set alarm for 5:00a.m.  Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton.  Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator.  Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an
attractive Christmas  candle.  Use only scotch tape and a piece of
foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of
Cocoa Puffs.  Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon.  Buy a chocolate ice
cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.  Leave it there. 
Get a dime.  Stick it into the cassette player.  Take a family size
package of chocolate chip cookies.  Mash them into the back seat. 
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and  attach it to the front of  your 
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months.  Now remove 10 of the beans. 
Try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing
them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store.  Set your wallet on the counter. Ask
the clerk to help himself.  Now proceed to the nearest food store. 
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper.  Go home and
read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child.  Lecture them on
how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training and child's table manners.  Suggest many ways they can
improve.  Emphasize that they should never allow their children to
run wild.  Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have
all the answers.