Straight Men Don’t Watch Soap Operas

A Factually Based Commentary

Let me set the record straight. I am not a prejudiced person. Race has never been an issue for me, nor do I care what church you go to, or what God you worship. The size of your house isn’t that important to me and frankly, I don’t give a hoot what you drive, unless you’re uninsured and whack into me, that is! I have tired hard throughout my life to NOT pass judgment on people based on anything other than what’s inside that person. (That means if you’re just a crappy soul then well, you deserve the judging in my book!) Actually, I’ve tried not to pass judgment in general but let’s all deal in reality here, everyone does, every once in awhile.

Okay, so maybe I’m lying just a bit. I do pass judgment on people. Specifically those people who have their elementary school children dropped off at school each morning in their limos. Yes, you read that right… L-i-m-o-s! I admit it! I talk about those people! It’s an elementary school kid! What’s the need for the flippin’ limo!? Come on, jump on the bandwagon with me! Talk about them! They want you to! That’s why they have their kids dropped off at school in limos! Other than that, I try very, very hard not to pass judgment.  

With that being said, I want it known that sexual preference isn’t an issue with me. It doesn’t matter who you are, if you’re hitting on my husband I’m going to kick your butt. Seriously speaking, your sexual preference is none of my business and personally, it’s not important to me. Most of the time, if someone is living what some might call an ‘alternative’ lifestyle, or perhaps ‘driving on the wrong side of the street’ and even more humorous, ‘switch hitting’, I don’t even know it! I know there are ‘signs’ that can give ‘it’ away. I’ve watched Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I now know that gay men simply dress better than straight men (unless the straight men are married and their wives buy their clothes). But more often than not, I’m thinkin’ some guy is hot and I come to find he wouldn’t be fighting for my love if I were the next Bachelorette! He prefers the Bachelor. Therefore, let me tell you how incredibly happy I was to know that it’s a proven fact that straight men don’t watch soap operas. Finally someone clued me in! You all know it’s true. Ask any man in your life that doesn’t watch soaps. If he’s straight, he’ll tell you those men that do watch soaps aren’t, even if they don’t know it! And if he’s ‘not straight’ (wouldn’t that technically be crooked? Hmm? We really know how to mess up the English language, don’t we?) and he’s not watching, then frankly we don’t need him for this column!  

Phew! FINALLY, a way to distinguish the difference between men in our world!  

But wait! That realization has created great angst and trepidation for me! I’ve been up all night thinking about this and have come to realize some things about some very important men in my life! I hate to write this for all to see, but I simply must deal with my issues in the best way possible and writing is like therapy for me. Some of the most important men in my life are, well… Gay.  

As a child growing up in the Midwest, I was greatly influenced by my maternal Grandfather. What a wonderful Italian man. The stories he would tell about old Chicago… Sitting at Al Capone’s table; tailoring suits for the man, my Grandpa was a tough guy. Not someone to mess with because let me tell you, he had some serious connections into a world of not so nice people! You saw my Grandpa and you showed him respect! Little did I know that the man with five children and countless grandchildren was, well…Gay. Yup. My Grandpa watched soap operas. As a matter of fact, you had to remain silent for that one hour a day he and my Grandmother glued themselves to their big black and white TV. “Shh!” was about all I heard during that one hour. As they grew older and one would be hospitalized, the other would GO HOME for that hour of TV and then come back and report on the happenings of all their soap opera friends. (This was in the days prior to having a TV in your hospital room!)  

Poor Grandma. I wonder if she ever knew?  

Thankfully during my father’s formative years there was no TV. I might not be here if there had been.  

You know who else in my life is, well… Gay? My son! It amazes me that a five year old boy who truly has no idea about sexual preferences or how he’s going to end up in life can be gay at such an early age. But let’s face facts, the kid has spent many a day snuggled up next to me, watching General Hospital. Heck! He’s even told me repeatedly how much he likes Jason… and we all know he’s gay! Look at his love for Sonny! Poor Justin, I never gave the boy a chance. I should have turned off the TV. I should have played more football with him when he was younger! So what if there’s a risk of injury! What’s wrong with a head injury if it keeps the kid from watching soap operas? Bad mommy! Bad!  

I’m sorry to tell you this, ladies but you know who is well, really…Gay? Ty Treadway. Yup. He’s as gay as gay is! Not only does the man ACT on soaps, he’s even on a talk show centered AROUND soaps! That makes him really, really gay! I wonder if his wife Monica knows?  Oh well, for me, it’s a waste. But for those men watching soaps, they’re livin’ the high life right now! Go Ty!  

Uh oh, does that mean that all men who act on soaps are, well…Gay? Absolutely NOT!  I refuse to believe come July I have no chance this side of hell with Ted King. The man is 100 % pure woman meat and I am not going to expand my share-ability to include the male gender on this one! No way! Uh huh! I’m already buffin’ up at the gym to fight off all the female fans that will take up his precious time with me, don’t you go throwin’ any men into the picture! That might just send me over the edge!  

I’m sure you’ve heard the news, read the papers…It’s been rumored that Ronald Reagan watched soaps. And Nancy’s been ever devoted, regardless. That my friends, is a woman in love!  

Don’t tell anyone I told you this but Sage, our long lost Gossip columnist watched the soaps and hey, even wrote about them. And you know what that means?  I think that means, he’s well…Gay. Too.  

Ahhh, now I know why Sonny is made out to be such a brut, a man’s man, if you will. Guza and Pratt are well…Gay! It makes perfect sense! That’s why all of the women are weak, because they’re over-exaggerating their male stories in an effort to hide the fact that they’re not straight! That’s why Sonny is worshipped beyond my scope of comprehension. Because his writers are well…Gay!  

Didn’t see that one comin’, didcha?  

I’ve been married almost six wonderful years. You’d think I knew my husband. I guess not. I’ve come to the sad realization that he too is well…Gay. Not only has he watched General Hospital, he knows most of the storylines on both AMC and OLTL too! You just never know what you’re getting when you walk down that isle, do you?  

Okay, okay. I realize all of you are wondering how I figured out that straight men don’t watch soaps. It honestly was a purely scientific study of which I was so graciously able to observe. Yesterday, while enjoying my Iced Grande’ Non Fat Chai Latte at Starbucks, I happened to accidentally overhear two men talking at the table next to me, while enjoying their Grande Mocha’s. No! I did not snoop! They just talked loudly, that’s all! The conversation went something like this:

Man 1:              “You catch that game last night?”

Man 2:              “No. My wife was watching All My Children. I had to listen to her bitch about Bianca’s baby being switched and now she’s got to watch One Life to Live too. So I spent the evening watching a bunch of diva’s prance around whining.” 

Side Bar:           (I kid you not, the man used BIANCA’s name!)

Man 1:              “You had to watch? Why not go to another TV? You’ve got 4 of them!”

Man 2:              “Yeah I know. But once you start watching these things you get sucked in wanting to know what happens next. It’s practically uncontrollable.”

Man 1:              “Heh heh! Didn’t know you were pitching for the other team, man.”

Man 2:              “What?”

Man 1:              “It’s a known fact that only gay men watch soap operas!” 

Okay, so he didn’t use the word “gay” but I like it better than his choice.  

So you see, I have it straight from the horses (ass) mouth. Straight men do not watch soap

operas! Now aren’t you glad I figured this one out for you?  

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