Confessions of
a Soap-aholic

Okay. I have a beef with just about everyone right now. (Likely because itís 11:14 pm and just about everyone BUT me is asleep as Iím wracked with anxiety and canít relax.) So here I sit, pondering the important things in life; wondering why there are so many of us EOS writers who write specifically about General Hospital. Yeah, a good guess is because weíre somewhat addicted to the show and when itís great we canít help but shout it out (through our keyboards, at least) and when it sucks we use Katrinaís lovely site as a means to vent our angst and frustration. But thatís not the only reason. 

Most of us EOS writers like to consider ourselves one soap watchers. We donít watch the other soaps on ABC, or any other network for that matter. Itís All General Hospital, All the Time. Never would any of us admit to even glancing at any other soap opera on TV. Why, saying that we watch more than one soap, well, that would be a bit obsessive, wouldnít you agree? You know how it is, people that donít watch soaps think (rather loudly, mind you) ďYou watch soaps? What? Donít you have anything better to do all day long than sit around and watch trash TV? Why donít you home school your kids? Get a job? Clean your house? Are you lazy? Those soaps are for stupid, lonely women that have no life.Ē And so on. And so on. And so on.

Well of course we have something better to do! Of course we have lives! Of course most of us arenít going to home school our kids! Heck, Iím struggling with my 10 year olds long division, let alone the algebra my middle school kid is learning!  Yes, we can clean our houses and we do! We follow the hints and suggestions of the EOS Diva of Clean to the T daily! PFFT! to you people! We have so much life going on we donít have the time to validate it all to you measly pee-ons whoíre wrong in thinking youíre above us because you watch The Mole and Survivor instead of good trashy soap operas. PFFT! I say! PFFT!  

So that you see, is why most of us GHíers donít admit to watching any other soaps. We donít want to be considered addicts, obsessives (Iím obsessive about enough, thank you very much!), and even, um, wellÖstupid, lonely women that have no life. We must not be comfortable enough in our own skin to realize that these people are just flat out wrong and not give a rats hoot what they think or feel about us. (Kudos to those strong women out there who are secure enough in themselves to admit their truths! You go girls!)  

But I have a secret.  

Most of us do watch the other soaps. I know I do. Maybe not religiously.  Maybe Iím not regularly sitting in front of my TV with a box of Bon Bons watching Greenless make an even bigger ass out of herself or wishing John McBain would take a shower for the love of God, but oh yeah, baby, Iím watchin! Iíve got ABC on each of the four TVís in my house, readily available for viewing/listening in any room I may meander into. And you know WHY I watch all these soaps? Because those non-soapers are wrong about me.

I do have a life. And soaps help me escape it every now and again. You know what I mean. Sure, Iíve got laundry to do and my gorgeous husband burst a button of another pair of pants but Ryan is shirtless again on AMC and nothing warms the soul like a good lookiní man without a shirt in the middle of winter!  

I watch soaps because Iím out of high school. Female cat fights are almost foreign to me now. But sure, thereís a bit of the oleí clawer that begs to come out and paw it out every now and then and a good cat fight between Faith and Courtney helps ease the bitch in me.  Everyone needs a good cat fight once in awhile.   

I watch soaps because Iím not a big drinkerÖ but there are times when my life almost drives me to drink. So here I sit, with Luke or perhaps Skye, beltiní down my water or orange juice with a loud ďcheersĒ to my TV. Nothiní beats gettingí drunk with a good friend!  

I watch soaps because I donít know one single person as tacky and fun as Roxy and she brings all of the Ďmeí Iím too scared and conservative to be, into my world.  

I watch soaps because I thoroughly enjoy ragginí on stupid people but feel immensely guilty if I do so toward anyone real so I use the characters as a means to an end.  

I watch soaps because my mom did and I admire and love my mom. I respect her greatly and have often attempted to emulate her actions. With this, Iíve succeeded. But, um no. I donít pinch my kids arms or pull them to their room with their earlobes. That wouldnít be nice.  

I watch soaps because I like the hairstyles. And the good lookiní men who take their shirts off in the middle of winter. Did I already mention that?  

I watch soaps because I canít stand any of those stupid Judge shows or Jenny Jones or any of those other scary talk shows where the real trash of the world air their problems for all to see. I like to think the trash of the world is more like Babe and Krystal. I donít want to see what theyíre really like. (Disclaimer: If you or anyone you may know or know through someone else has been on any of those shows, you have my sincere apologies.)  

I watch soaps because otherwise I might surf the net and find more naked pictures of Kelly Monaco and well, thereís only so much breast I can take.  

I watch soaps because when am I ever going to go to a ball or a big party where I dress to the nines with hair extensions and make up that takes hours to apply?  

I watch soaps because I hate cold weather and because it rained all last summer and was too humid to play outside.  

I watch soaps because when my kids come home the TVís are all turned to Nick or Disney and Iíve got to get my chance at the TV while I can.  

I watch soaps because I like to pretend I have millions of dollars. I like to pretend I have so much money that I donít have to work and never have to use the bathroom.  

I watch soaps because the guy whoís on talk radio here during the day has a really horrible voice and it makes me cringe to listen to him.  

I watch soaps because I like to know up to the minute, what stupid car crash happened on the expressway and warrants a ten minute special report.  

I watch soaps because I like the Joe Boxer guy and Iím hopeful his commercials will come back on.  

I watch soaps because I donít have any cousins who are really my long lost sister whoíre married to my brother but my mother wonít tell the truth because she doesnít want my father to know she slept with his best friend who at the time was married to her sister. See, though I do have a life, itís not always as exciting as the likes of Skye or Luke. Never, ever, ever have I found a lost treasure! Never has my town been threatened to be frozen and Iím quite confident there is no sub-sub-sub-sub basement in my local hospital where a dead man has been frozen and brought back to life. Never.  I admit it, at times my life, as fulfilling as it can be, is just b-o-r-i-n-g boring.  

And that my friends, is why I watch soaps.  

Have a great day!

 

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