Emily Quartermaine Gets a Job at General Hospital

Let’s check out her interview 

What do you think it would be like if Emily Cassadine were to truly apply for a medical internship at General Hospital? I’ve often wondered how that interview might go and I’ve created quite an interesting scenario in my mind.  It goes sort of like this: 

Emily walks into the medical office of Dr. Doesn’t Give a Crap She’s a Quartermaine/Cassadine, located, as all are, on the busiest floor of General Hospital.  She is wearing a tight fitting royal blue sweater, big bulky, dangle earrings, lots of frosted lipstick, a pair of really tight off-white pants, not white (it’s after Labor Day and she follows strict fashion guidelines) and her hair is long and flowing.  She wiggles in, nose high and a huge telephone poll sticking right out of her behind.  Dr. DGACSAQ/C is sitting at his desk, moving papers around, attempting to look busy.  He does not stand up when she walks in.  

Dr. DGACSAQ/C: Hello Ms. Q/C.  You’re five minutes late. If you want to be a doctor, you cannot be five minutes late to anything. Our staff must be prepared and on time every day because one of these very important patients could die if you’re late.  Do you understand that, Ms. Q/C? 

Emily: (nose up in the air, acting all high and mighty)   Of course I understand that, Dr. I am not stupid. Don’t you know who my parents are? They run this hospital. My parents practically own this hospital. They will make sure my shifts are covered if I am running late. I am a very important person, involved with many different people here in Port Charles. They need me. That is often more important than work.  For example, Sonny Corinthos, a man known as the King of Crime here in PC has asked me to take care of his children while he deals with some personal issues. You can’t expect me to divide my time evening between my training to be a number one doctor and his little munchkins now, can you? Would you like to talk to Mr. Corinthos about this? I’m sure he’d be happy to explain the situation to you.  

Dr. DGACSAQ/C:   (Now concerned about his life’s safety, shifting in his seat and sitting up a bit straighter)  No.  No.   Of course I understand. You just let Mr. Corinthos know we at GH value his contributions to our community and that his children come first to us here, while he’s busy killing people and switching lovers daily.  We understand completely.  

Emily: Yes, I will let him know this immediately. And I will have my cell phone with me at all times in the event there’s an emergency, you can always call me and I can dictate to the more seasoned doctors what they must do to save a patient’s life. I have Verizon and you can reach me almost anywhere. 

Dr. DGACSAQ/C:   (Visibly annoyed, yet uncomfortable due to the pressure she and the Corinthos factors bears on his decision to hire her or not.)  Well, I see.  I’m sure that can be arranged. The season doctors here, especially the likes of Dr. Tony Jones, often request the advice of new blood during their highly specialized surgeries. I’ll make sure to pass your cell phone number around. What is that number, Miss. Q/C? 

Emily:  (Appalled at the fact that he doesn’t already have her number.)   Oh.  I thought you would already have that, considering my parents association with the hospital.  You might want to check your file next time you have an interview with a VIP like me.  It’s important to be prepared. Did you not learn that in medical school?   (Hands flying in the air, showing her snobbiness)   Tsk.  Regardless, the number is 212-555-EMILY.  That should be rather obvious, don’t you think?  

Dr. DGACSAQ/C: Your parents have not only contributed financially to this wonderful hospital, they have also been highly successful doctors, given their messed up personal lives.  Do you feel you can reach the same level of success considering all of your personal issues at this time? 

Emily:  (Startled at the rudeness of his comment)  Dr. DGACSAQ/C, I do not feel it is proper to discuss my personal life with a virtual stranger.  It is simply rude and inappropriate.  Why, if you want to hear anything about my rape, my struggle to decide between the now passed Zander Smith and the wonderfully built, but rather boring Nikolas Cassadine, then you must simply walk the halls of GH. We’re always here discussing these things.  Usually someone I love has been shot or has a terrible disease or has been badly hurt is some silly, tragic, time consuming event.  I truly believe I am already over-qualified for this position given all the time I’ve spent listening to some of your older doctors here in the ER. Pfft. Success. I am successful. Just because I barely study and don’t attend any medical classes does not mean I won’t be successful.  Have you ever seen me go to the restroom? There are many in this hospital yet I never go.  There are a lot of things you don’t see me do, which will help with my instant success.   

Dr. DGACSAQ/C:    (Sitting back in his chair, feeling defeated.) Well, all right. I assume you’re correct. After all, you have a lot of money. So much that you came right into remission from cancer without losing a single hair off your head.  And you barely had any rest between that, a dead husband you married for his sake, thinking you were dying and a new husband who had some freaked out, psycho twin who raped you.  And yes, I heard Elizabeth and Lucky talking about it one time at the nurse’s station. Those two are wonderful friends to you.  Now, back to this you being on staff thing.  What type of time commitment can you give?  We typically expect 45-60 hours a week from our interns.  

Emily:  (Standing up from her chair, leaning over the mans desk with her hands flat on it, elbows straight. Lips shiny and sticky, face in the typical Emily scowl)  How dare you presume I will be able to dedicate that amount of time to this opportunity! Did you not just hear me say I’m taking care of the Corinthos children? They require constant attention. Why, I must take them to the park at least twice a day and they also have to eat and since I don’t cook, I often take them to see their Grandfather Mike, who’ll whip up something in the kitchen at Kelly’s.  I’m very busy taking them places, keeping them safe. And it does take me at least an hour each day to continue to re-apply this shiny, sticky lipstick.  Do you think my lips are naturally like this? It takes a lot of work to be perfect, Dr.!!!!! 

Dr. DGACSAQ/C:    (Cough, cough.)  Uh, yes. I’m sure it does. And perfect you are. Okay.  Okay. We’ll lighten your load, given your special circumstances. How about 5-10 hours a week, depending on your friends and family and what they need you for? You can spend that time at the nurse’s station and see whatever patients you deem necessary, as long as it doesn’t get in the way of your other important issues.  Does that sound like something you’d be willing to do? 

Emily:  (Looking like she’s thinking hard about it, but most likely thinking about Nikolas and Courtney and how she was betrayed at a terrible time in her life and she would never do anything like that to someone she loved.)   Five to ten hours a week should be okay.  If it becomes too much, I’ll simply cut back my hours and let you know.  I’m courteous in that type of way.  Now my best friend just had a miscarriage and she’s going to need me.  Besides, this reunites the four musketeers and I want that opportunity to get close to Nikolas again and rub it in that Courtney-bitch’s face so she knows I’m the one and she’s just the in-between girl. I may just have to back down to five to start. I find that acceptable. I’m sure you do too, dr.  Correct?  

Dr. DGACSAQ/C:    (Feeling defeated.)   Fine. That will be fine.  Now we need to talk about your minimal compensation. After all, you’re simply an intern and we don’t normally pay interns, but since you’re a Quartermaine, we feel it’s necessary to compensate you over and above all of the meaningless other interns who work 50 to 70 hour work weeks here at GH.  How does $175,000 a year sound?  

Emily: $175,000 a year? That’s not even enough for me to purchase my Doctor’s scrubs! Oh, fine. I guess you’re right.  I must not appear too persnickety to the other interns.  After all, I am the one everyone comes to with problems.  I’m just like my dead grandmother Lila, you know.  Everyone depends on me and I just can’t let anyone down.  I have to live up to my grandmother’s reputation.  So, sure. I’ll take the low salary, just for a year and then we can re-visit the idea.  We’ll consider this my charity work for the year. I’m sure those less fortunate than I will appreciate my efforts.  

Dr. DGACSAQ/C:    (Snickering at the incredibly pompous attitude of the woman standing before him.)   I understand.  Your services will be utilized best assisting our extremely talented ER staff. Shall I put you on the schedule for tomorrow? 

Emily:     Assist? You think I should be assisting? I find that completely insulting.  I should be the lead in ER. I am a Quartermaine, after all.  But fine. Once I’m there, I’m quite confident the staff will realize my abilities and step aside to let me do what I do best. I cannot however, start tomorrow. As I said, my best friend just had a miscarriage.  My nails need to be redone and I haven’t had a pedicure in two weeks.  My toes are just a mess. And I’m single now. If I have any possible chance to get my husband back, or attach myself like a leech to any other financially secure man, I must have lovely toes.  And I think it’s time I start getting botox in my lips, so I’ll have to have that done prior to my starting. I think two weeks from tomorrow would be best for me.  Before then, I’ll be available for consult via my Verizon phone. You may contact me there.  Now, if you’re finished with this silly interview, I must get my errands done. The Corinthos boys are waiting.

(Emily walks out the door in a huh.)