The Week in Review: General Hospital
By Carolyn Aspenson

This was an interesting week for me. My three children started school on Monday. (Sing “woo hoo!” at the tops of your voices in celebration with me!) Erika my eleven year old started ‘middle school’, or to us older folk, junior high. She is still reeling from all of the cute boys. This will be a hormonally interesting year for our family where Erika is concerned. Her priorities? Making sure boys notice her, trying to wear as much Abercrombie labeled shirts as possible and make up. Oh, she also wants to maintain a 90 - 95% GPA to stay on honor roll. She is enrolled in three TAG (talented and gifted) classes along with advanced math and advanced language arts. The girl’s not stupid, that’s for sure. But this boy thing is going to be the death of us all! I continually call my mother and thank her for not killing me when I was a preteen. She says wait until my daughter hits the real teens. She almost killed me then. Great. Lookin’ forward to that!

My nine year old started 4th grade, her first year in elementary school without her big sister. The drama! The tears! The guilt! The unfairness of it all! Erika gets EVERYTHING. Morgan, poor deprived soul, gets nothing.  We’ve enrolled her in a drama class because the kid can drop a marathon of crocodile tears in seconds flat. Morgan will also get gymnastics classes, chorus and Sunday School. Apparently her definition of ‘nothing’ is different than ours.

And last, but certainly not least, my four and 1/2 year old best buddy, biggest pal and devil child son started Pre K! I’m not sure whether to jump for joy or cry a river of tears. He has been a true joy to be with since I stopped my career dead in its tracks to stay home in June of 2002. He has also been the biggest pain in the butt I’ve ever experienced since eighth grade when the most ‘popular’ girl didn’t like me because someone told her I was prettier than her. (Frankly, I think I was too and I bet I still am!  :-) ) He’s had mixed feelings about ‘big boy school’.  It’s structured and lasts 6 hours and 45 minutes, which is far too long for him to be separated from his source of all...me. He did great Monday morning, but it’s been down hill since. Last night he asked me “Mommy, how many days till I’m all growed up?” I told him lots and lots of days. His reply? “I’m gonna miss the little Justin.” I have to agree with him on that one. It truly amazes me that he’s so insightful at less than five years old.

So needless to say, with school hitting last week wouldn’t you know it, both of my younger kids are home just in time for General Hospital! That means snacks, homework and reports of the day right when Ted Kings gorgeous being graces my screen. Rat farts! Why can’t this darn board of education end school later! Geez. It really messes up my rhythm! I did get to watch most of each episode, however I’m sure I missed key dialog and scenes that will likely come to haunt me in the near future. All in all, it wasn’t the greatest week in GH history but it wasn’t the worst either.

I am happy to see that Emily is finally experiencing cancer. Okay. Wait. I know how that reads! What I mean is that I’m happy that they have stopped down playing cancer as anything less than the serious and terrible disease that it is and that it now has a place in the storyline of “Emily has cancer”. It’s disrespectful to those of us who have survived the disease or those of us who have experienced the pain of it through the ones we love. If you’re going to have a story about cancer, just have it. Don’t lay it on the cable and then pretend it’s not there. That cheats us. That takes away the soap opera in soap operas. ‘Nuff said.

I was more than appalled to see Stefan pay someone to hit him in an effort to scare Nikolas into sleeping with his wife. Stefan hasn’t always made the wisest of choices that’s true but stooping to such ridiculous infantile actions as a means to an end isn’t characteristic of the character most of us know and love as Stefan. He’s ruthless, borderline violent and often mistaken for sociopathic, all with a heart and intentions of gold, of course. But this was just...well? It was just plain silly. Thumbs down on the Stefan getting socked storyline.

Did anyone else think Monica has had either botox shots or some type of facial surgery recently? Her cheeks were lookin’ mighty tight this week.  I’m so happy that Carly is no longer trapped on that sorry excuse for a yacht with that terribly small suite and that horrendously cruel host, Alcazar. I’m surprised she’s not been institutionalized from the angst and trepidation she must be feeling. If I were her, I’d much prefer shaving Lorenzo’s face (and ANY other part of his body - for those of you who saw Ted King on Sex in the City!) than sit at home trying desperately to convince my controlling husband that I did nothing to make one of his enemies become attracted to me. I really like the chemistry between Ted King and Tamara Braun. Honestly, I’m one of those that really likes the chemistry between Tamara Braun and anyone other than Maurice Benard. I just  don’t see it with those two. But Carly and Alcazar? Hot! There is a great potential storyline here if Guza and Frons allow it; a bit of a triangle between Sonny, Carly and Alky. It’s about time Sonny not get everything he wants for a change. Thumbs up for Carly and Lorenzo!

What’s possessed almost normal Ned to think he has ANY real rights to Kristina knowing full well he is NOT the biological father of that child?  And where is the backstory on this storyline? Are we supposed to simply forget the history between Ned and Alexis? Are we supposed to pretend he knows nothing about what drives this woman and why she would do the things she’s done? Do we simply pretend we don’t know that Ned should realize, given her past, that Alexis will do anything necessary to get what she wants? She’s allowed Ned to play daddy to keep Sonny and his lifestyle away from her daughter. She’s killed a man with the intensity of a protective mother. Come on Ned, get a flippin’ clue will ya already? Thumbs WAY down to Ned and his idiocy. Thumbs way, way down!

Don’t even get me started on Skye and her obsessive need to feel love and have a sense of family. Enough already! New storyline please!

I wonder if I’m the only one out there who hasn’t missed Jax one single solitary bit?

Kung Fu Courtney to the rescue! If the actions of this woman are not enough to drive Jason away from her, then I don’t know what is! She has broken every mob girlfriend rule in the book!

1. Mob girlfriends DON’T go around beating up enemy mob hands.

2. Mob girlfriends DON’T threaten female mob wannabes who also happen to be psychos.

3. Mob girlfriends DON’T walk around with millions of dollars in more than obvious metal briefcases.

4. Mob girlfriends DON’T call and have their mob boss brothers planes available at their beck and call when mob boss right hand man can’t charter it for himself whenever he wants.

5. Mob girlfriends DON’T run around the country trying to find mob boyfriend to give him a message. Anyone ever heard of voicemail?

Thumbs down for Kung Fu Courtney being a good mob girlfriend.

Did anyone see Bobbi and Carly connect since her return from kidnapping? Perhaps I was relieving myself of a Diet Coke during that scene.

Maybe it’s me, but if I were a teenager waiting for a room so I could wait in a safe, medically sound environment for a heart transplant, I wouldn’t want two candy stripers holding on to me walking me around, while I wait ALONE for my room! Where’s her parents? Where’s the wheelchair? Why couldn’t the writers find a better way to have Kyle learn about Maxie’s heart transplant and her guilt associated with it? I certainly don’t expect my soaps to be all about reality but that was really pushing the edge for me. I did like that they finally mentioned, somewhere last week, the reason Maxie has no scar...plastic surgery. Nice touch since Carolyn from Soap Opera Digest brought it up in her “It’s Only My Opinion” column some time ago. All in all? Thumbs down to the poor handling of what could have been a good few minutes of soap.

Faith and Dillon gets a BIG EW from me. Faith is evil. She killed her Grandmother. Faith is a psychopath. She fell in love with Ric in seconds. Faith is a bitch. She picks at Liz for being a decent human being. Faith is not a pedophile. Gross. I can’t even move my thumb on this one because the ew factor is so big.

I really like the scenes with Elizabeth. Rebecca Herbst is doing an amazing job at playing confused and angry. She is a woman in love and hates herself for it. I can relate to that every time my husband ticks me off for doing something that I’ve asked him a million times not to. Okay, so he hasn’t kidnapped a woman in an attempt to steal her baby, stuffed me with enough birth control pills to practically kill me and lie to me with every breath but given the time of the month, it can feel almost as severe. Big thumbs up to Rebecca Herbst and her incredible acting!

That folks, is what I consider to be the highlights of GH this week. Nothing major really happened, if you ask me. I have decided, however, to end each of my columns with a guess at what I think might happen sometime in the near future. This is more of a practice for me when I become a soap opera writer, kicking Guza’s sorry butt right out of the GH studios and giving the women on the show some friggin’ backbones once again!

Carolyn's Guess:

Gia is pregnant with Zander's baby.

I'd love to hear what you think!   Write me with your comments at the address below!