When "Will They Or Won't They" Becomes
"Did They Or Didn't They"

Once upon a time, in the land of Soaps, things used to be very, very different than they are now. Many different Emotions lived there. There was Excitement, Intrigue, Jealousy, Deceit, Vanity, and many others. There were also, three wonderful Emotions named Romance, Love and Lust. These last three all worked together and they are what this story is about.

In this land of Soaps, long ago, when the beautiful Lady met the handsome Gentleman, sparks would fly out of the tops of their heads. This boys and girls, was called...Chemistry. This meant they, believably, felt Lust for one another, which would lead to Romance and culminate in Love.

The Lady and the Gentleman would then do an intricate dance, known as "Will They Or Won't They", for many months. All the while, with sparks shooting out of the tops of their heads. Seeing the sparks shoot out, made Fans of the Lady and Gentleman happy and excited for them. For these fans, the building of Lust to Romance and then Love, was an exciting ride and would sometimes make us feel like we had sparks shooting out of the tops of our heads, too.

An important ingredient to this magical ride was something that has become extinct: the Love Scene. The Love Scene could show up at any moment of the ride. It was a glorious thing. It showed the Lady and the Gentlemen in a room, traditionally used for sleep, called The Bedroom. This room is still used in the land of Soaps, but only to show the Lady and the Gentleman laying there, doing nothing but maybe, chatting about their respective spouses. (yawn)

In the days gone by, in the land of Soaps, the Lady and the Gentlemen used to be shown actually doing other things in the bed, besides talking. We used to see sexy shots of the Lady and the Gentleman, touching each other, exploring each other, deep kissing one another and breathing heavily. Sometimes these scenes would be slow and very romantic. Other times, they would be frantic and lusty. And most shocking of all, the Gentleman would actually have NO SHIRT ON! Yes. It's true. I kid you NOT!

And,.....sometimes......the Love Scene would last from one commercial break to the next! And have music. And candles. And dramatic camera angles and editing. Or the tearing off of clothes and knocking stuff over! (deep sigh)

As you might have guessed, Boys and Girls (and Hos), this is a story of (cue violins) mourning, wanting and weeping, for now, the Love Scene exists only in our minds, which ain't half bad actually, hmmmm (XXX), but I digress. Now the Love Scenes take place off-screen, out of the sight of Fans, who may or may not care anyway, because half of today's Ladies and Gentlemen don't even have any sparks shooting out of their heads. I know this may seem normal for many of you, but for the rest of us, this is heartache.

Today's sexy Lady and lusty Gentleman, who are blessed with shooting sparks, do nothing. Nothing we get to see. Today's Lady points a rifle in the chest of the Gentleman, things heat up, sparks fly, they kiss hungrily, then we see commercials for Sears, Pilsbury and Oreck vacuum cleaners. This leads to the question: Did they really do anything? Maybe they just walked into the Bedroom. Maybe she just put on a robe and he just took off his shirt (but not his white undershirt) and then, they walked out again and just LIED to us about sleeping together??? I just don't know.......Can't say.......DIDN'T GET TO SEE!!!!

They emerged from the Bedroom with sparks intact, but, uh, hello, I didn't get any freakin' sparks! I didn't get a friggin' ride! I got damn SEARS and PILSBURY and ORECK or WTF-ever they showed! I realize that's "the softer side" and "rising dough" and "sucking", but it's JUST NOT THE SAME!!

(clearing throat, regaining composure)

So, in closing Boys and Girls, the land of Soaps is just not what it used to be. I keep hoping and praying to TPTB, that things will change, but they just never do. I am still hopeful, because I enjoy watching the many beautiful Ladies, even if their panties are sticking up out of their pants, and the many handsome Gentlemen, even if they don't take their shirts off. I just wanted all you young Soap Fans out there to know what you are missing. It's so much better when you, too, get to feel the sparks.

And the "Will They Or Won't They" dance is so much better than the "Did They Or Didn't They" funeral march.

The End

I am now going to go on live television and give away all my stuff and throw money around at people, all the while demanding that a Love Scene appears on my beloved GH sometime in the near future. I'm starting to believe that the Love Scenes never existed, are the product of my vivid imagination and that now, I am somehow channeling Luke Spencer.

And no I'm not drunk.

The End (again, but for real this time)

The Cliff Notes Version:

Title: When "Will They Or Won't They" Becomes "Did They Or Didn't They"

Soap operas used to have sexy love scenes. Now they don't. That sucks and I'm pissed.

The End

Disclaimer: The terms "Lady" and "Gentleman", depending on the characters, may or may not be an accurate description.