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These questions are not offered in any particular order
other than the order in which I received them. 

Dear Sage,
What is your favorite all time GH story line? And Why? Least favorite? And Why?

Hmm.  That's a really tough one.  I have to say that my favorite storyline of all time was the mixed marrieds.  I loved the spin that made the wrong people ended up married for the right reasons and I really, really wish they had dropped the ultra-boring Chloe-Jax pairing and gone for the Ned-Chloe and Jax-Alexis marriages to work out.  To me, that would be the most poetically lovely wind up for the story, but of course, that couldn't happen.  >:<  It is my impression that romances born of friendship are absolutely the most precious of all and I would like to have seen that explored further.  I thought the mixed couples were much more interesting than the ones who began and ended together.  Plus, that would have been a fantastic "screw you" to Aunt Gertrude instead of Chloe losing her company.

My least favorite story was the writing of Lila's Memwahs.  I felt it was demeaning and insulting to everyone involved.  I felt Lila was painfully violated by Luke and Felicia's persistent hounding, even after she asked them to stop.  The broke into her homes repeatedly, stole her belongings and pretty much raped her past when Ned's idea had been to honor the lady she had become and share the path that brought her there.  This was the beginning of the depiction of Felicia as a selfish, neglectful mother and a lying, deceitful wife and Luke as a heartless horndog.  The whole thing just... sucked.

Dear Sage,
Have you ever met any GH stars? Been to an event? Details please.

I ran into Tristan Rogers (Robert Scorpio) at a bar in LA once.  He was gorgeous and pleasant and very drunk and we talked for a good long while (this was after he left the show). 

I saw Maurice Benard (Sonny) at a fan event and the way he behaved changed the way I looked at him and the character of Sonny forever.  I was a totally smitten fan until that time and after that, I just went cold.  OK, he might have been having a bad day.  OK, maybe everyone is entitled to bad behavior once in a while, but regardless, I felt there was no excuse for the way he treated the fans that day.  I'm not slamming the guy... I'm just telling what happened.  And that's all I got to say about that. 

Dear Sage,
Any word of a Vanessa Marcil return?  Or a Brenda recast?

There is no indication of a Vanessa Marcil return at this time.  She has not ruled it out in the future, but currently, she is involved in a majorly hyped NBC series called "Las Vegas" that is expected to go the distance with a heavy hitting cast and strong behind-the-scene team.  There are heavy rumors of a Brenda recast, but I have not heard anything worth banking on in that respect.

Dear Sage,
Do you know what secret Mitch has about Natalie and Jessica that is to be revealed?

Any time we hear storyline information, it immediately goes onto the website.  We do not hoard info or wait until posting day to reveal it.  Every day is posting day at EOS if info comes through.  We have heard no word of whatever secret Mitch has about Natalie and Jessica or if there even is a secret.  There is a strong possibility that the secret only exists on the internet. 

Dear Sage,
Are Jason and Elizabeth ever going to get together or are we stupid for hoping?

I don't think you're ever stupid for hoping.  The word I'm getting at this time is that it has not yet been decided who is going to be with whom. 

The thing I really want to impress is that building an affection for the show that is reliant around one couple or actor or character is always an exercise in pain because in soaps, all things, especially couples, are fleeting and terminal.   Actors leave, character change as new actors play them and couples join and break up.  The only thing that is absolute is change.  To invest your energy heavily into one situation regarding a soap means that ultimately, you are going to likely be devastated and end up chasing ghosts (holding constant hope for a return or a reunion as time marches by and it doesn't happen).  If you view and value the show as a whole without placing too much obsession on one particular couple, actor, character or situation, you can appreciate the entire show and the comings and goings and break-ups and changes are not as devastating.

Dear Sage,
How long have you been involved in scoopage/gossip for GH? Have you ever done anything for anyone other than EOS?

I wrote my first EOS column in June of 2001.  I have never written for any other website or magazine and never will.  This is my home.

Dear Sage,
If you could have three characters back on GH, who would you choose. If you could get rid of three - who would they be?

Just three?  If I'm narrowed to that, I'd have to pick three that would also be vital to the stories on the board at this time and boost up the octane of the show as well as make me happy.  That would be Helena Cassadine, Felicia Scorpio-Jones and Laura Spencer.  Helena only counts if she is played by Constance Towers.  I'm open to a recast on Felicia and Laura.  I chose Felicia because I feel she's vital to stories still on the board and it's just too odd that she's gone.  She needs to be there.  Same for Laura.  There is too much Laura stuff going on for her to be off screen constantly.  If there's going to be a Spencer-Cassadine feud, both Helena and Laura need to be around for it.  I'm open for a recast on Laura only because I know that the parting between Genie Francis and ABC was not on good terms and I would want her to be happy returning to the role and I'm not sure that's possible.  Guza (co-head writer) has never liked Luke and Laura and has continually worked to break the two of them up so that he can have his dark, sinister Luke figure.  For that reason, even though I'm bringing Laura back, I think I'd be more interested in seeing a Stefan-Laura reconnect because our current writing team writes better for them than for Luke and Laura.  It is really, really hard for me not to rush to Jane Elliott as Tracy Quartermaine (who I consider to be very vital material), Rena Sofer who I LOVED as Lois, Robert Kelker-Kelly as Stavros, Lisa Cerasoli as V and A Martinez as Roy DiLucca.  Any of these would be an absolute joy to see again.

Who would I dump?  That one is even harder.  This is going to sound really, really harsh, but I think I would let go of the characters of Sonny, Courtney and Carly, only because it would force the writers to explore the rest of the characters and let them out for some air. I'd keep Jason just because he's cute and I really, really want to see him make bridges with the Quartermaines.    

Dear Sage,
What do I do with a pestering A-hole who assumes I update columns on SoapZone, and thus calls me a lazy butthole for slacking on the job, if I can't do it on time I should give the job to someone else, and when I explain that I don't update the columns, I just write them and turn them in, on time, this same person then attacks me saying, why do I bother writing the columns if I don't give a d a m n whether they're updated or not?! Am I supposed to put a gun to Jeff's head because this is more important than life or death for heaven's sakes?

Nope, not at all.  Jeff's a really good guy and you know it better than most.  I admire him because his attitude toward the net world is very similar to mine and a lot of the time, it seems as though he just doesn't give a fluck, which I think is great.  Far, far too many folks take this stuff waaaay too seriously.  What you've got to do is work from a disconnected point and look objectively at the true weight of these comments.  These people who are writing to bitch about something so stupid as when the site is updated and who don't have enough sense to figure out it's not you posting this stuff are sad, small little people and need to be dismissed as such.  Evil, angry people may have a loud voice, but they don't have a significant voice because their venom and stupidity (such as ranting because their free service, dammit!, just didn't get there in time!!) has nullified from the beginning anything they may have had to say that might be worth hearing.  You trust me?  You trust Jeff?  You trust Katrina?  We tell you you're awesome and that these people only have a voice because they have a keyboard that a chimp could operate.  Who are you going to trust and believe?  The loud mouth chimps, squawking and shrieking and throwing their own poo at one another?  Pfft.  When idiot chimps are throwing poo, sometimes the people who walk upright all the time and speak in sentences will get hit.  That doesn't make the people chimps.  How do you deal with pestering assholes like that?  Two words:  "pfft" and "delete."  Don't even bother to reply.  Hateful people like that don't deserve your time to write.  If you're feeling particularly generous and just want them to shut the hell up, you can give them the link to DDP and show them that it updates like clockwork.  Not generous?  Block their address, baby!

Dear Sage,
What attitude should I take when diehard fans turn on me for mentioning gossip that paints their beloved star in a bad light, i.e., the Emmy blind item and my spec that it fits Robin Christopher?

See above.  Specify that it's just speculation, like a million people have done a million times on a million message boards and beyond that, suggest that they bite your ass then have a vanilla milkshake or, if on Atkins, a nice egg.  People who are insecure about their alliances as far as characters and actors need to have others agree with their every opinion and when someone suggests something even the least bit disparaging, they freak out and have to write and try to convert you to their Hail ______ (insert name of their patron saint character) religion.  People who are comfortable with their feelings about favorites and feel good in their own skins are mature and balanced enough to let other people feel what they feel without it being a threat to their own ideas, thereby removing the need to constantly defend their causes.

Dear Sage,
Do you really think GH is all that and a bag of Fritos, after so much dysfunctional darkness without meaning?

I imagine I will always think GH is all that and the Fritos.  I love GH, good and bad.  It's not always a good friend (as Katrina and Dr Phil would say), but it's an old friend and I adore it.  Like all soaps, GH works in cycles and now it's down and later, it will be up again and I'll be there to see it.  Dysfunctional (and unnecessary, gratuitous) violence and darkness is the calling card of the current writing team, so it's what is to be expected *shrug*.  I am more than willing to sift through the shit for the good stuff and polish it up for all to see. 

Dear Sage, if you could attend an SSW-type event, whose line would you wait in first, and what would you say when you were face to face with your celebrity of choice?

Awww.  What a joy that would be.  Stephen Nichols.  Hands down. (way down - wink)

Dear Sage,
If you could give GH head writer, Robert "Elton John" Guza some advice on writing the show, what would you tell him?

Quit.  Now.  Don't come back.

Dear Sage,
Do you still think Cynthia Preston is going to leave?

Yep.  I don't think she'll last the summer.  I believe the situations I reported were true and I think that she is being written out as a result.  Not open to debate.  We'll see what happens.

Dear Sage,
If you were stranded on a deserted island, what one ABC soap star would you choose to be stranded with you and why?

Ty Treadway.  Why?  Oh please.  Did you really think I was going to give some cerebral answer that was going to require a "why?"  Girl, you know me.  ;)

Dear Sage,
Utilizing your "hair expertise," which ABC soap stars do you think have the best hairstyles? Which do you think need some major hair help?

Best hair:  Alicia Minishew, David Canary, Melissa Archer, Kassie DePaiva, Robin Strasser (usually), Kathy Brier, Timothy D. Stickney, Anna Lee (always impeccable), Robin Christopher and John J, York.

Worst hair:  Rebecca Budig (lank, blah), Vincent Irizarry (I don't like the greasy look), Ilene Kristen (OK, I know it's in character, but I really, really, really don't like the bleached blonde dried out look), Patricia Elliot's latest (freakin YIKES!), Leslie Charleson (her hair always looks seriously damaged and abused to me), Greg Vaughn (please let him stop trying to be Jacob Young - no one should TRY to be Jacob Young) and all the guys who have greasy assed hair on GH (ick).  No wonder the ladies on GH has such smooth, supple skin.  They're always cuddling up to Lard-Heaven with the 40 weight crap in the men's hair.  It's like they use motor oil on half the cast and super glue on the other half.  I can't believe no one has yet put their eye out on the Bart Simpson spikes the nongreasy men sport.

Dear Sage,
What have you heard on Jackie Z. contract?

I heard she's re-signing.

Dear Sage,
Anything more on JFP stayin' or goin'?

Pfft.  They'll have to fricking blow her ass up to get her to leave.

Dear Sage,
Coleman back on anytime soon?

Pfft.  Who knows? He's another valuable gem lost between the cracks. 

Dear Sage,
Your opinion on the likelihood of Genie Francis returning?

Minimal.  They would have to do some SERIOUS sweet talking, amends making and promising and I think they used all that up on Stephen Nichols.

Dear Sage,
Does Stephan look good or what??

Pfft.  Yeah!!

Dear Sage,
Who has The Head now?  You or Kurt.

Kurt has the head.  I'll write about it later this week.  :)

Dear Sage,
It doesn't sound like Ma Bourland is doing too chipper these days.  *sigh* Are your sisters giving you more help, and are you remembering to ASK them?  You've got to share the workload sometimes, dear!

They aren't really in much of a position to help since I'm the only one with no life.  Kye takes Mom once a week and the other 6 days, she bitches at me (Mom, not Kye).  I meditate... a lot, then zip in to grab whatever computer time I can when she's out or sleeping.  Considering drugging her tea.  Health-wise, the doc says she's fine.

Dear Sage,
How's the weather in your part of the world?

Awesome!  I wub California!!  Nineties in the day (but it's a dry heat, dontcha know) and high 60's in the night.  Perfect for my hot tub!

Dear Sage,
Why is it than when a new actor comes into a role, it seems that the character is written totally differently? Is it because the actors get a lot of leeway with the lines, or is it that each character has their own writer..or something else? (This is from Doug - he's just wondering, and cites NuEmily, NuOldNik, NuGia and NuNuLucky as his points of reference)

It's like when you're a kid and you move to a new school and can remake yourself into whoever you want to be.  When a new actor comes on board as an old character, the writers get to do whatever they wanted to with the character and then blame it on the new actor "making the character his/her own."  That lets them make changes the old actor didn't like or didn't play well.  Case in point... they wanted Gia to be more cerebral, so they recast in that way when Marissa Ramirez left to do her show. 

Dear Sage,
Why is my beloved Lane Davies kissing girls dressed as boys and having an obvious non-story with Zander when there is such obvious potential? How did I get to this place where I'm not sure I care whether he stays or goes? Help :( I think I maybe I need a cocktail...or something.

See above in regard to Coleman, then fall on your thankless knees and give praise that Lane gets air time at all, ungrateful wench.  (I'll take that cocktail)

Dear Sage,
Who would you like to see Stefan paired romantically with this time around?

I was thinking the obvious (me), but other than that, I'm going with the old favorite of Skye.

Dear Sage,
Have I told you lately that I think you're awesome? Just wondering :)

Awww.  Thanks, Sherry, you gorgeous, hot woman.  The check's in the mail.  Now come on over here, sit on Uncle Sage's lap and give him a big kiss.   (Y'all talk amongst yourselves for a bit)

Dear Sage,
Whatever happened to that guy, Bender, who was stalking you?

Bender did some time in jail for the death threat, then was released on a lengthy probationary period that involved him not living in my town or contacting me in any way.  I haven't heard from him and don't expect to.  That's food for Mom's paranoia and fussing as well. 

Dear Sage,
Who in the past (living or dead) would you pay any amount to have back? Not character, actual actor.

Actualvactor?  Constance Towers first and Jane Elliott second (you'll notice this is a whole different question than what CHARACTER I'd have back in the previous question).

Dear Sage,
Do you actually remember a time without Sonny? I'm having a hard time remembering? Just kidding I actually like Sonny.

*sigh*  Yes I do.  It was lovely.

Dear Sage,
Did you call in for Luke and Laura's wedding? You hear all kinds of stories about how people skipped school (like me) and called in to work.

I've never been in a situation where I had to call in.  That was in 1981, I was 23 and just wrapping up my first degree and was plopped right on the couch watching it with Ma.   

Dear Sage,
Do you have any info on what happened with Finola Hughes? Was she suppose to come back at all? What changed? Wouldn't you just love to see the Scorpios return?

I can't really answer that because Shirley (GHH2) held all the cards on that one.  All the info I ever had didn't know anything about her leaving.  All I heard were net rumors that I couldn't get confirmed.  I am not really eager for the Scorpios to return because I think the current writers would suck at writing for them and they wouldn't be treated right.  So I'd love to see them come back, but not until we get better writers. 

Dear Sage,
Do you think Laura will return? If not will they try a romantic s/l with Luke and someone? Who would you want Luke to be with?

I don't see them pairing Luke with anyone for a long while.  Guza likes Luke dark and sinister and lurking and crazy.  That so cramps a dood's style, so I'm guessing that unless Tammy comes back home, Luke won't be getting any play anywhere soon.  The rest is answered above.

Dear Sage,
How do you feel about what they've done with the character of Alexis? IMO, I haven't liked what they've done with her since the whole Alcazar thing. However she is funny playing Dobson! I loved when Zander saw "Dob" and Cameron kissing!

I love the Cameron and Dobson romance, but I think overall, what they've done to Alexis is pretty tragic.  Yes, I do think she pissed someone off and I think the same thing happened to Kristina Wagner.  The writers seem to be a vengeful bunch.

Dear Sage,
GH has gotten so much better now than it was a few months ago and I am really glad because I had stopped watching it. What made the writers change? Was it the fact that so many fans were angry over where the show was going or did they just get better at writing?

I think they wanted kick ass sweeps, got them and now they're on cruise control. 

Dear Sage,
How are you? How is your mom? Do you know how special you are? I hope that you know that. I enjoy reading your columns and I love the Ranch. When the world feels like it is crumbling around me I go to your site and read your columns and I always know that I'll have a good laugh. Thank you.

I'm OK.  Stuff is what it is, you know?  All you can do is try to fix what doesn't work if you can, make peace with what you can't and find your happy in the middle of it.  I'm so glad we can give you a giggle.  :)  You are very welcome and it's people like you who make this all worthwhile.

Dear Sage,
How would you like to see the story with Alcazar Part 2 to go?

Ted King's signed a long-term contract, which means he's likely to stick around.  I'd like to see him seduce Bobbie.  That girl sure loves a bad, bad boy and it would make great story to have Bobbie with Alcazar and Carly with Sonny.

Dear Sage,
Do you envision a future of TPTB ever taking Sonny down on the mob power scale? I think he was so much more interesting (and likable) when he was an up-and-comer trying to make it to the top. (Think the Sonny and Luke friendship days.) As opposed to now where he seems to think of himself as a king looking down upon his minions.

I'd like to see it, honestly.  I think it would give all of the actors involved some great material to chew on for a while.  I think it would be interesting if Alcazar took over the Port Charles mob, hired on Faith and Rick and pardoned Sonny, issuing an order of protection on him and Jason.  Take the mob totally out of the picture for Sonny and Carly, let them get jobs and live like the rest of us for a while.  Hey, not much else about Sonny's mob story makes sense, so let's take fantasy all the way.

Dear Sage,
What would you most like us to stop talking about?

Repetitive actor or character bashing.  I can dig it if you state your dislike for a character or actor in the context of conversation, but just loud, obnoxious ranting about an actor or character gets on my nerves.  The folks at the Ranch (my message board) are really cool about not doing that and I really appreciate it, but I've gone over to the EOS GH board a few times and keep finding posts that hurt my teeth to read.

Dear Sage,
Who, from GH past or present, would you most like to get stuck in an elevator with?

Doug Sheehan (Joe Kelly).  He was a hunka hunka burnin love.

Dear Sage,
Do you think Guza-Pratt are still in improvement mode, or is this as good as they can get?

Definitely not on the way up.  I think they got great during sweeps, dropped off and now have plateaued for a while.

Dear Sage,
And on a personal note...what is your favorite indulgence?

Other than the aforementioned Captain Morgan's, that would be Stephen's Vanilla Sipping Cocoa and See's Chocolates - Nuts and Chews.

Dear Sage,
How do you think the rape storyline on AMC will play out? 

I'm not convinced there will be one. 

Dear Sage,
s it true that Pratt and Quza will leave and be replaced by Riche?

Pfft.  NO.

Dear Sage,
What is your all time favorite storyline in your personal history of watching ABC soaps?

I can't pick one.  I just can't.  The romances of Bo & Nora, Max & Luna and Mel & Dorian; the death of Stone Cates.

Dear Sage,
And, lastly, when you are typing with Captain Morgan, are you in your birthday suit, darling?  Hehe

Sometimes!!  *wink*  And you never know when that time will be!

Feelin the love, baby,


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