THAT FILL ME WITH WONDERING
Ah, so many things on GH are sparking my question mark and inspiring my
muse that it's hard to know where to start…like Laura, for instance. Why is
she now being a barfly? I mentioned in a previous column that she wasn't very
good at it and made professional barflies look bad and I got a number of
letters from people talking about how much they love Laura when she's liquored
up. That was quite a confrontation between her and Tammy on Monday. You could
tell she'd had that shell in the chamber ready for fire for quite some time.
You have to wonder about Laura. I mean, what leads up to her kicking off her
Earth Shoes and digging in the back of the closet for those high heels? Does
she resist? Is there a couple or three hours of inner debate that goes on?
Does she hang her party clothes on the door knob for a good long while, then
finally grab them, dress in sixty seconds, put her face in the make-up box for
a good wallow, yell at Lesley to try and keep an eye on LuLu, then head uptown
for some action? This has to be the undoing of Laura when you think of it.
Lucky and Luke have both given her the cold shoulder, Felicia and her attitude
seem to be in her line of sight wherever she turns, Stefan turned out to be [I
DIDN'T KIDNAP LUCKY AND HE HAS CLEARED MY NAME!!] the cad everyone said he
was, she can't get the cajonies to do anything but threaten Helena with some
ill-defined "bad" if she messes with her (and Helena gleefully
continues to mess with her), her border is leaving and that room will be
empty, Mac blatantly rejected her clumsy pass and her dog, Foster, has
evidently run away. No wonder she needs some positive reinforcement. You can't
blame a girl for looking for a little fun under those circumstances. All of
this, of course, is a vehicle to usher in Genie Francis' vacation time. I
enjoyed the attitude Lesley took on the whole thing and wish all mommies could
be so supportive and understanding. How can you argue with logic like,
"You don't have to forget who you are, you have to try really hard to
remember." Awww. Other than the line a couple of weeks ago about how hot
it was outside (when she was wearing a big denim jacket), the writers seem
quite adept at writing for Lesley. It's nice to see that they understand at
least one character's personality and motivation on the show. I'd really like
to see a lot more of Lesley. It seems particularly unrealistic that we would
only see her interact with Laura, Lulu, Nikolas and whoever happens to visit
the house. Lesley was such a vibrant character and the gem of that is still
there. As I have said before, she is the keeper of GH's past. She knows all of
the misdoings of Bobbie, Monica and Amy, as well as remembering when Audrey
actually had a personality. Maybe that's why the writers keep her on a tight
leash…what would happen if someone was loose on the streets with knowledge
of how PC was before the Cassadines (and Bob Guza) came there to roost?
There'd be anarchy, I tell you.
How could you not love the scenes between Jax and Helena on the yacht? I have to confess that I felt a slight quickening in the pulse when he said he was going to show her a side of Jax that Chloe "wouldn't understand." Sure, I had an idea what was coming, but it was still fun to watch. Helena was on full-salivatory mode and Jax was on charm plus twelve. What a priceless moment when Jax was e-mailing the head of the pharmaceutical company and Helena was tied to the bed, her little feets pumping like the pistons on a 351 Cleveland. "Would Madam like to be untied?" A feast, I tell you, a feast.
BUT, even as much fun as those scenes were, there is still a good amount of meat on the bones to pick. Could we really believe that Helena would have the paperwork and medication so close at hand? Wouldn't she have it in a rowboat moored a distance away and have Andreas go fetch it when the time came? Surely she must have anticipated some debauchery was inevitable. She had the REAL medication? I figured it would be a type of poison or a placebo that closely resembled the real thing. It turns water blue (that looks like green)? I have to wonder…does it turn Chloe's pee blue that looks like green? Shouldn't Tony have mentioned that as a side effect. "All of the side effects have not yet been cataloged, but we know what happens when it mixes with water and it will likely turn your pee blue that looks like green…be prepared." I'd want to know that. It wouldn't be a deal breaker, but I'd like some notice on something like that. If she uses Northern blue toilet paper and Vanish in her bowl, will she notice? Freaky.
More of the unholy triangle…can you believe the dumb-factor of what Chloe said to Nikolas at L&B?? Something along the lines of "Jax tricked her out of the medication, we won, she lost, why is she being so nice to us? Could it be a trick?" "We haven't cataloged all of the side effects, but it will make you pee blue that looks like green and you'll be vapid." Like the Northern/Vanish dilemma, will she notice? She sure breezed right past the fact that Jax lied out his face to her the night he was with Helena, not to mention the "Thank goodness THAT didn't happen" line.
Speaking of Chloe, let's put to death at long last this urban legend that is flying around about Chloe being Stefan's twin sister. Like with the ridiculous rumor a year ago that Nikolas was Luke's son, just do the math. Nikolas is Stefan's son and Chloe is definitely closer in age to Nikolas than Stefan (maybe she's Nikolas' twin - smile). Given the influence of SORAS into the mix (Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome), there's still no way forty-something Stefan and twenty-something Chloe are twins. The other idea is that Chloe is Helena's daughter that she gave away at birth. Certainly, we know that she can swim away from her young like a guppy, but somehow, that just doesn't ring true for me. I remember when Chloe was talking to Jax about her father, saying he was a playboy who lit out when she was young. My thought is that her father is either Mikkos or Stavros and that Chloe is the real heir to the Cassadine estate, which would take away Nikolas' inheritance (I hear Nikolas jumping up and down, "Yippee! Yippee!" Doing a little victory dance). Since her gist seems to be protecting Nikolas' interests, this scenario would certainly make Chloe a target. Perhaps the music box was broken (see spoilers) when she wrenched it from little Chloe's hands after committing some wickedness that resulted in Chloe's mother and father never seeing one another again.
Lastly on Chloe, to end the speculation, news was released this week by Wendy Riche, executive producer for GH, that Tava Smiley is staying with the show and Chloe will NOT be leaving with Jax or because of Jax. In fact, there are supposedly some pretty dynamic changes on the table for Chloe in months to come (Cassadine heiress?? Congratulations, Alexis…it's a sister).
Sonny, Sonny, Sonny, boy did you blow it. Carly gave him every opportunity in the world to just give her an inch, one reason to stay, but his pride would do nothing to let her know he truly cared for her. The best reason he could come up with for her to stay was, "All your stuff is here." ???!! Talk about the stuff Hallmark cards are made of.
Carly, Carly, Carly, don't you ever learn? Didn't the Liz-Jason thing teach you to not jump to conclusions about Liz getting cuddles from your man? Fall back, regroup, hit the rest button.
Liz, Liz, Liz…why do you have to cuddle Carly's men when you're in trouble? (good point, Emilie, kudos!) AJ really needs someone to nurture, you know.
Aren't Dylan and Blake Hopkins, who play Michael, turning into a regular little deck of cards? Those little guys are the best actors on the show and what a connection they have with Maurice Benard!
Carly is independent? Okey, dokey. What was that crap about, "You might be a worthless excuse for a human being, but Michael…doesn't know that." ?? Where did THAT come from? Suddenly Sonny is a jerk because he wants to give her credit cards, open a bank account in her name and buy her a house? Gimme a jerk like that!
On the teen story line. OK, it's got a moment or two of interest, such as Lucky laying a marital arts lesson on Juan, but it's just not grabbing me. Here's a line I'll bet you haven't heard in a while, "I'm so sorry for dragging all of you into this." Didn't Chloe use that line for a year about the Mixed Married story? I'm surprised they don't pull an "Our Gang" ("Hey kids! Let's put on a show!") to raise the $5000 for the blackmailer. If Emily takes Juan back now, she's an idiot and I'll take back anything nice I ever said or thought about her. Tip off: Did EVERYONE hear the broad as a barn hint of Helena mentioning the FREEZER to Lucky? Now, when the freezer disappears this week, who do you think was responsible? Hmmmm.
HISTORY LESSON: For all of those who did not watch GH when Lois was on the show, I have a slight clarification that you will not hear on the show itself because we are experiencing one of those common rewriting of history moments. Lois did NOT leave Ned because she only loved Eddie. Lois was totally willing to give her marriage the best shot she could while being married to Ned, the real Ned. What happened was that a series of events ensued in which Ned shut her out and even lied to her about thing regarding the Quartermaines. As Gatekeeper of the family (in Alexis' words), he was doing damage control and ended up placing a very pregnant Lois on the other side of the fence and basically de-prioritizing her in favor of the Q's. She gave him several warnings, made it clear what she needed, he consistently demonstrated that she would take second place to the needs of ELQ and the family, so she blew out. Edward was picking out private schools for the unborn grandchild and getting psycho-involved in how it would be raised and these two issues combined to tell Lois that she wasn't where she should be. She packed up and left in order to have a quality life for her child. The issue of Eddie Maine vs Ned Ashton had LONG since been resolved after she learned that he was a bigamist who had been married to her and Katherine Bell at the same time. He wooed her back as Ned Ashton and she accepted him, as Ned Ashton. End of chapter.
Lastly, people I'd fire: Liz…every time she walks into that diner she says, "Sorry I'm late" and Tammy says, "You're not late, you're early." Somebody can't tell time. At least if it's Liz, it's in the favor of not being late or maybe Tammy is just being sweet, who knows. Bobbie…obvious reasons, Juan having a groupie romp in the office and offending my niece's honor, Alan and Monica for airing their every piece of dirty laundry at the hospital for all to hear, Audrey for being incompetent and not keeping accurate records of Bobbie's many absences from work, Mac for using his badge to hone a personal grievance, Reginald for being an ass when his girlfriend leaves town, Mike for starting illegal poker parties without permission and Andreas for leaving the music box in the living room. Of course we know that Helena's methods of letting the help go usually involve letting them go while dangling them off a cliff.
See you next week!
LINES OF THE WEEK
LESLEY: You don't have to forget who you are. You have to try really hard to remember.
ANDREAS: Does Madam wish to be untied?
TAMMY: Yeah, I guess he'll be back soon enough. How much damage could you really do? (Famous last words)