GOOD STUFF, BAD STUFF

After the snoozer last week, this week was like an old car trying to start. Forget fuel injectors and such. This is when you're in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot at 5:30pm. Your hubby has left work at 4:30, confident that since you left home at 1pm to shop for a few things, you're home now, cooking a delicious dinner for everyone to eat before he has to leave at 6:30 to meet with the financial consultant who is handling (or not) your debt consolidation loan. There was only one gum-smacking, pimple-faced cashier checking people out and she not only had to change the register tape, but do fourteen price checks, have twelve personal checks approved by management and read the greeting cards that people bought. You now have three kids in the back seat, one crying because he's wet and you forgot the diaper bag at home but didn't sweat it because you were going to the grocery anyway and would get some there but you forgot them as well and there's no way in hell you're dragging these kids back into the store for diapers when home is only twenty minutes away. The "quiet" kid is thoughtfully flipping the spring loaded ash tray lid, snap, snap, snap and in your migraine-ridden head it's going SNAP, SNAP, SNAP. The other kid is pissed that you didn't pay six bucks for a sucker the size of a little dum dum that spins around on a motorized sick embellished with all twelve hundred Pokemon and their masters in four languages. You've just put twenty-seven bags of groceries into every open air pocket in your '79 Ford Maverick (which has no paint but a luscious coat of grey primer) and you hear: SNAP, SNAP, SNAP ….But Mommmm, the Pokemon spin pop is a limited series and this is the last…, uh-whaaaa, uh-whaaaaa, uh-whaaaa, then the worst sound of them all… rrrrrnnnn, rrrrrnnn, rrrrnnnnn. You turn the key again. Rrrrrrnnnn, rrrrrnnn, rrrrnnnnn, rumbla, rumbla, rumbla and it's wanting to turn over, but just isn't making it. That's what this week on GH was like. It had stellar moments, but just couldn't seem to get the engine to turn over.

BAD STUFF

(We do the bad things first so that we end on a pleasant, happy, upbeat note…such is a metaphor for life)

THIS DRAGGGGGGING LUCKY STORY. C'mon folks, at least throw us a bone. Usually when a story is taking forever to unfold, we at least get some background information from an appointed narrator so that we are in the know even if the key players are not. This is just boring. Guza's plan might have been to elicit the feelings in us that he's looking for in Luke, Laura and Liz, but I'm quite certain they aren't getting nearly as bored and apathetic with this as I am. Yawn. Let's get this show on the boat already.

In speculation as to why Lucky took off when he saw Liz, Karen, our Monday/Thursday recapper extraordinaire says, "Maybe he hates what she's wearing - that green and orange deal, combined with the Shirley Temple hair, was a little off-putting."

Personally, I'm just not getting a buzz off this story like I thought I would, so my speculation is limited. I remember how exciting it was the end of last May when we saw Lucky banging on the door of the bunker when everyone thought he was dead. I was thinking then, "This is going to be good." I'm utterly disappointed thus far. I am still reserving judgement as far as Jacob Young is concerned. I don't want to assess his work based on the minimal screen time he's had so far, so that will be forthcoming.

From the lips of Head Writer Guza, Lucky is supposedly angry that everyone gave up on him when they should have known that he wasn't actually dead. This, of course, reflects Helena's conditioning that Luke and Laura have never given him proper credit or consideration and the garden of seeds she planted to fuel the negativity Lucky feels toward his parents. There are actually some issues that support Helena's reprogramming. One is that no one in the Spencer family ever STAYS dead and that is common knowledge. They are the Jason's (Friday the Thirteenth reference for the unschooled) of Port Charles. They should have known this and realized that it was just a matter of finding him.

Next is that the fire idea of fire being used to fake a death was used by Luke and Laura to fool Stefan, so it's a kind of karma thing that perhaps they should have caught onto. Lucky also may not know of the DNA "proof" that was manufactured. These things could have easily been used to build a case against Luke and Laura and perhaps even Liz in the head of the pre-conditioned Lucky. It is also pertinent that his kidnapping occurred immediately after he came off of an anger tangent where he spent months despising Luke and Laura for never having told him about the rape. It would not be hard to tap into that anger because even though it had been resolved, it was still nearby. I have always seen anger as akin to burnt toast. You can remove the toast, but the smell takes a while to clear.

DOES ANYBODY CARE…who the poor hapless sod was whose body was actually IN the fire? Everyone in town knows that Lucky wasn't the corpse…did anyone stop to wonder who was? Even the PCPD seems to be blowing this one off!

NIPPLEMANIA. I had to wonder if Mrs. Benard thought that perhaps Sarah Brown was getting a little too into her work this week, especially with the nipple licking and (as Karen put it) checking on little Sonny. Overall, I thought it was very genuine, well acted and nicely spontaneous. I also must admit that if I were Sarah Brown filming that scene with Maurice Benard, I just might have screwed it up enough that we had to do fifty or a hundred takes (heh heh heh). I'm not a prude by most anyone's standards, but when she started kissing DOWN on the treasure trail, my head kind of filled in the blanks and her destination and business there wasn't exactly a mystery. Pretty hot for daytime.

As if Sonny's nipplage was not enough, we saw Bobbie pull exactly the same maneuver on Roy just a short while later. Jeez. I've seen more nipples this week than if I worked at Evenflo.

HOSEBAG ALERT: Will SOMEONE PLEASE throw a bucket of cold water on Bobbie? Good God. When she came at Roy when she first got to him in the safe house, I had a Ghostbusters flashback. It was like in the opening scenes where Ray yells, "Get her" and this sweet little librarian ghost turns into this giant, bony, cadaverous devouring ghost that is all arms and ribs and nasty, coming for them head on like a freight train. I wanted to yell at Roy to run for his life, but I was too late. She had already suckered herself onto him like one of the face-huggers from Alien, slapped her soul sucking lips onto his face and proceeded drinking in his life force. Now I can say that I have seen the succubus of legend…and it's name is Bobbie Spencer.

There were two good things about Bobbie this week, but unfortunately the companion bad things that accompanied them vastly overshadowed the good, so they still bear mention here. One was that the pizza guy outfit was the classiest outfit I've ever seen her wear on the show. You'd think that with as many rich guys as she has divorced, plus the money she makes not working at the hospital (don't get me started), AND the take from her share of Kelly's (though that might be nonexistent because almost no one ever pays for their food), she could have afforded to upgrade her hooker wardrobe by now. The bad side of the pizza delivery guy outfit is that she wore a pizza delivery guy outfit. That had to be one of the dumbest scenes in daytime. I doubt she'll be submitting it to the academy for consideration.

The other stab at a good Bobbie moment was her "apology" to Sonny. The fact that she took a stab at saying she was sorry for haranguing him like a fishwife for the past couple of weeks was good. I don't think he could have been any more gracious to her or Evil Emily when they came with their little apologizes jotted on 3x5" index cards to quickly spout to him. She kind of threw it over her shoulder as she was plastering herself to Roy. She should be on the ground in a full court body bow, kissing his feet, begging forgiveness for the way she has treated him. I've decided that there should be a big, public Thanksgiving dinner in Port Charles this year (mandatory attendance) and instead of serving turkey, a huge feast of crow should be on the menu. Almost everyone has had a turn as of late.

IF IT LOOKS LIKE A DUCK AND QUACKS LIKE A DUCK…The head of the table at the crow dinner should be reserved for Felicia. Her continual insistence that Luke is not her lover and they did not have an affair is a total insult to her marriage to Mac. An affair isn't about the semantics of tab A and slot B and whether the twain shall meet. Luke IS her lover in every sense except the physical. She DID have an affair in every other sense and to deny it based upon never having had sex with him (because she has, by definition "slept" with him many times) is absurd. As a very wise reader pointed out, Lucky and Liz did not have sex, but theirs was a romance for the ages! Now before my mailbox becomes overloaded with protests, I'm NOT implying that Felicia and Luke are anybody's Lucky and Felicia. I'm just illustrating the intimacy point.

PUSHY FELICIA DOESN'T WORK. It has been interesting to see Felicia attempting to push her influence where she has none. She went to Mariah's again to bring her girls home with her, stating that she was not leaving until they went with her (she did, they didn't). She barged into Mac's house, stating that she was moving home, so he moved out. It seems that everywhere she tries to make a stand, the soap box gets pulled out from under her. Downward spiral? I think one is warranted. There isn't a soul out there, even one of the five Felicia fans, who can deny that when Felicia went chasing after Luke the last time, she knew the stakes. She accuses Mac of taking the girls to Texas out of revenge yet, as he pointed out, she is the one who left them for months on end with no way to contact her. Theoretically, Georgie or Maxie or even Mac could have been dead for weeks and she wouldn't not have known. She left a NOTE, she says, and a THOUSAND answering machine messages. Now THERE'S a dedicated wife and mom. She knew the conditions of Mac's return to her and the marriage. It was put out there in black and white with no gray areas at all and she blatantly violated those conditions. She abandoned her kids again with no idea when she'd be returning or, considering the danger in which she chooses to involve herself, IF she was returning. Mac needed help and wanted to provide the girls with stability, so he took them to Mariah. Even upon her return, demanding her daughters, why would Mac or Mariah presume that Felicia would provide any more stability to the girls than she has for the past several months? Because she SAYS so? When her lies and dedication to her friends over her family have been made painfully clear in trumps? Sorry, gal. No sympathy here (or there, evidently).

ANDREAS CAN'T DANCE. He should just stand there and look pretty and massage Helena and have plenty of speaking roles. He should never dance. Karen and I agree that the boy just ain't got the flow and his waltz with Helena was painful to watch.

WHAT A USER, WHAT A LOSER. I can't believe Emily had the nerve to go to Sonny to ask for some Sonny Money after slamming him all over Port Charles to anyone who would listen. She had the gall to approach him with hat in hand, begging a handout after the way she spoke to Carly in Jason's apartment last week. I guess she has the class of any of the other Quartermaines. "I know it sounds like I'm apologizing just to get the favor…" Isn't it funny how it looks just like that?

WHAAAA. I NEVER GOT A CHANCE. Billy Warlock is turning in an incredible performance as AJ, but what's with these terrible lines he's been having to crank out? "I never got a chance to show what a good father I could be!!!" What happened to that last year? You can't be an instant dad and there is no way a kid is going to adapt from one dad to the new dad when the only time he sees him is to play key role in new dad's power plays. I know little kids. I've had lots of 'em. Give a kid positive attention for an extended period of time, show them you're there for the long haul and be an ongoing loving, giving presence and they're in your hip pocket (literately around the age of 7-8, looking for your wallet). It's not hard to love a child into loving you when they're Michael's age. Get the familiarity and trust in there and pour out the love and they're yours. AJ views Michael as little more than a tool (for power before and sympathy now), so there's no time for baby unless he has a purpose to serve for dad. No sympathy here either. Go share a fat drink with Felicia.

SPEAKING OF STUPID LINES. Larkin is looking at a prison van driver who has been knocked out in an accident and is medically deficient saying, "YOU ALLOWED THE PRISONER TO ESCAPE??!!" If this were the real mob (redundant thought in soapland), Larkin wouldn't be saying anything. He'd have been sleeping with the fishes long ago.

Also in this category, if I hear Chloe or Jax yammer about "managing your/my illness" one more time, I'm going to start yanking blonde locks left and right. That phrase is as tired and worn out as "My girlfriend" which thankfully, we spent a full week without having to hear (good stuff). On the tresses note, Ingo states that he cut his hair back and all of the blonde was trimmed out and he hasn't re-bleached, so look for the darkening of Jax (as he becomes, appropriately enough, nemesis for Helena and Edward). Side note: Chloe, back off and stop telling Jax what to do. Business is business.

GOOD STUFF

GOOD LINES. They're still slim pickin's, but I found a few, which are included below. I loved it when Lila told Edward to shut up. Another outstanding moment of writing and acting was when Mac told Felicia that he knew her, that she would follow her heart and it would lead her to Luke. Awwww. Poor Mac seems to always get to be second best with her (remembering when Frisco returned when Maxie was sick - *sniff*). Stefan had a good one with the booming, "I've had enough of your INSOLENCE!!!" I thought Mrs. Landsbury was going to be hauling Nikolas' butt to the Wyndemere dungeon after that one! I can't imagine Moses using much greater command of voice when he parted the Red Sea. Did my ears deceive me or did I actually hear LITTLE MICHAEL deliver a line this week??!! He and Carly were on Sonny's bed readind a monster book and she was telling him that Sonny wanted them to be a family and either I had one of the acid flashbacks promised to me or Michael said, "No, Dad want Mommy." ??!! Adoing! They can get a TODDLER to say a line? Holy cow!

Tracy has been mentioned OFTEN lately. Please tell me she's coming back! I hear Jane Elliott is open to reprising the role, so hopefully the powers that be learned the "You snooze, you lose" lesson by now.

I've loved the scenes between Carly and Sonny (except for the nipple stuff). Karen says, "Sarah Brown is amazing. I LOVED the scene in bed with Sonny - the nipple kiss followed by the peak under covers, her slide down his belly...you know where she was going...it was all so fresh and genuine, compared to the labored crap most 'lovers' give us on daytime." OK, so she liked the nipple thing, but I've got to agree with her on the rest. I loved the clumsy shyness when they first got to Sonny's room to make love. Loved the way that afterwards, he asked her if she was OK before he left and you could tell she was flashing onto how shabbily he treated her after the last time they had sex (but has he kissed her even once since then?). Loved how Sonny looked like a shy little boy when he gave her the ring. They're great together and I hope the "Save the Baby" campaign mentioned in the "Overheard" section is a raving success. Let's make these two the next dynamic duo!

THE HELP. Karen says, "Gotta love Johnny - perfect big and dumb, with just a teensy bit of witty." When she's right, she's right. Andreas, Reginald, Leticia and Benny are the epitome of what supporting players should be. They compliment a scene so nicely, adding just enough spice without overpowering the key players. Love'em. But what the heck is going on with Benny? Is he about to pull a Harry on us? I'm betting he's either going to try to kill Roy or give him over to Larkin to protect Sonny. Are there video camera in the warehouse that could show Larkin planting the heroin? Here's hoping!

See ya next week.

LINES OF THE WEEK

What you really don't want to hear from your local crime lord:

BOBBIE: "Sonny, thank you. I owe you one."
ROY: "Me, too."
SONNY: "Yeah, I'll remember that."

What you really don't want to hear from your local drunk.

AJ: "Tammy, all I know is I would like to have some breakfast.
And, you know, maybe a little screw to go with my driver."

The most appropriate line of the week:

LILA: "Oh, shut up, Edward."

And the most ironic line of the week:

BOBBIE (to Laura): "I knew you were back, but I didn't expect to see you at the hospital." As if we ever expect to see BOBBIE at the hospital!