Ladies and Gentlemen, fellow ABC soap lovers, I give you… 

The Eye

Thank you.  Thank you very much.  This week’s column has been a long time coming and I have to confess, it was supposed to be different than this.  I had this great plan that I would construct a giant voting booth for each of the 4 sites and we would have The Eye Awards (you know, we are giving a winner The Eye – nyuk nyuk nyuk) for each soap, voted by the fans.  It was going to be a work of art.  We’d get all the staff together for a Pre-Awards roast of the characters and actors, then reveal the winners in a grand flourish.  Alas, it was not meant to be.  Real life got in the way and my great aspirations have finally surrendered to the reality that I just don’t have time to set it up and work it.  I’m sure we should be able to do it next year, but this year it just wasn’t happening.  (Sorry staff, I know you were diggin it.)  Instead, you are going to have to bear through one more year of me personally pronouncing myself judge, jury and academy and picking my own winners.  I don’t expect that all of you will agree with my choices and well, we just have to be good with that, don’t we?  We’re not all going to think alike and this is just a reflection of how I’ve felt for the past year.  I’m limiting my scope to the time from May Sweeps 2000 to May Sweeps 2001, give or take an inch or so.  

I have to confess, despite how dreary it had become in the last months of the Guza-Riche Dynasty, I was very disappointed at the GH lockout for the Daytime Emmys and I didn’t watch much of it.  I was just utterly bored.  Because of that, although I will award the usuals, I will have an emphasis on the awards that the Emmy’s may have missed.  Without further ado: 

(PS, I’m wearing a black sequined gown by Vera Wang, made to accentuate my round bosom and detract from my round little belly and excess of butt.  It smacks of good taste and I have already taken best-dressed honors for the night, so cool your jets). 

BEST ACTOR: 

To qualify for best actor, you have to be a guy and you have to be in a major story line during the operative year and you have to have been on cast for the whole year.  I won’t bore you with the nominees because you were there.  It is a hard choice because Anthony Geary is awesome, but was never really used to his best advantage.  A Martinez is easily the best actor in the cast, but he NEVER got to act!  Just mumble and ride Bobbie like a pogo stick.  I’d even include John J. York for his anguished portrayal of the scorned Mac Scorpio.  He at least deserves a nomination.  In all fairness, I must give The Eye to:  MAURICE BENARD.  I love Sonny, don’t get me wrong.  I think he’s a wonderful, complex character, but I have seen MB in a few interviews and it seems to me as if MB plays MB when he plays Sonny.  There doesn’t appear to be too much of a jump from actor to character, so when you combine the effects of a little too much admiration for Pacino and DeNiro (can there really be too much admiration for those too) in his portrayal of Sonny with the intensity that is Maurice Benard to start with, you get Sonny.  That means that he normally would not get an award from me because I like to see actors work their acting muscle a little harder than MB has to in his day-to-day work.  MB gets the award for this: 

No more need be said.  

BEST ACTRESS: 

Same rules:  major story line, there all year.  It’s slim pickin’s, I’ll admit.  Do I give it to Genie Francis for an occasional good bout and old time’s sake?  Sorry.  In this circus, you’ve got to earn your peanut.  I know a lot of people are going to be drop jawed that I didn’t throw The Eye out the door after Sarah Brown, but again, as good as she is, I feel there is one who did a better job.  Forget younger actor/actress categories.  If you act, you’re up for nomination.  I’m giving The Eye to:  AMBER TAMBLYN.  She was incredible as the little girl who went to a rave and woke up naked with a dead guy.  That dance in the air, that scream, those bugged eyes.  She just…wins. 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR 

This one is a toughie, because there are many great ones.  You have to have been on cast the whole year and make everyone else look good.  Billy Warlock is a definite nominee, as is Real Andrews, who I totally adore.  Neither of these actors are anything like their character, which is a big bonus to me when evaluating talent.  Real Andrews was another grossly underused, underexposed actor and I would have loved to have given him The Eye.  The one who very, very barely edged him out of the winners’ seat (and it was a close one right up until this typing and I’m STILL wavering is:  STEPHEN NICHOLS.  He is SO radically different from his character and the chilling portrayal of Stefan in those freaky Oedipal scenes with Helena definitely deserves an Eye.  

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS 

It really breaks my heart to put her in this category, but without decent material, I have to relegate her to supporting actress.  She has consistently turned in great work and taken really crappy writing and made it come alive.  Given a good script, I think she could work miracles.  The Eye goes to:  NANCY LEE GRAHN. 

BEST NON-CONTRACT PLAYER 

Another toughie because two of the greatest actors in DAYTIME, not just on GH, are NOT contracted players, so it’s a tough call.  Ron Hale is brilliant and his scenes with Sonny are just electric.  Unfortunately, he just isn’t given enough material to beat out the winner of the Eye for this category:  CONSTANCE TOWERS.   

BEST NEWCOMER 

This one is tough because two really great faces came on the scene this year (as did some not so good ones).  It’s neck and neck and Chad Brannon ALMOST made it (and he’s a RECAST!!), man, it was so close, but The Eye goes to:  JENSEN BUCHANAN.  I knew she was really good, but I didn’t know how good until the temporary recast. 

MOST UNDERUSED MALE CHARACTER 

There are so many!  Many of our greatest actors are simply not give enough decent material.  I want to put Mike in here because he’s incredible.  Taggert is a story that is a LONG time coming.  Tony REALLY got lost in the shuffle until they needed a mad scientist.  Roy turned caveman and no longer even spoke.  So many sins, so little room in hell.  Oh well, my column, my award, my choice: 

I can never, ever get enough of Reginald.  

MOST UNDER-USED FEMALE CHARACTER: 

Again, so many of our really great actresses are given almost no time.  Monica just whines and bitches, Tammy disappeared and no one noticed, Laura wafts in and out until something sets her off…The character that I would most like to see burst onto the screen and infiltrate every story line is:  LESLEY WEBBER.  She has so much to offer, both as an actress and a character and she’s been left to flounder as LuLu’s babysitter and Laura’s cheerleader.  Get this woman busy, for Godsake! 

MOST PAINFUL BREAK UP (FOR US) 

It could have been Flea and Luke (not).  Could have been Mac and Flea.  Could have been Juan and Emily or even Zander and Emily when she was blackmailed by Edward.  Could have been AJ and Carly or Sonny and Carly even.  Man, I must confess, Chloe and Jax almost took home the Eye for this one.  Could have been any of them, but I’m going with giving the eye to the couple whose true essence (not the one seen of late) I miss most:  NED AND ALEXIS. 

*Sniff*  Lift your glasses and toast. 

BEST KISS 

There you are thinking it’s going to be that whopper between Laura and Scott or the one where Emily pulled Zander to her and planted one on him.  Sorry, kiddies.  I’m not that easy.  Best kiss goes to:  HELENA AND DRUGGED STEFAN! 

   
EWWWWW!

DUMBEST STORY 

I’m awash in nominations.  There are so many, including this RIDICULOUS Lucky-ruled-by-the-Ice-Princess crap.  Worst story of the year goes to:  EDDIE’S ANGEL. 

Insulting to NLG, WK, Ned, Alexis, Us, TPTB and TV. 
It was funny for the first week and rotted after the first 3 months of it. 

BEST FIGHT 

Jason wiping the floor with Lucky after he took a knife to him?  Nah, but that was a good one.  Best fight of the year goes to:  FELICIA AND LAURA.  Just pick one: 

 
I liked this one because Laura called Flea a bitch. 

YOU WENT WAY OVER THE LINE, BABE 

I was thinking of Carly locking Laura on the roof.  Then I thought of AJ and Carly on the stairs.  Then I was thinking of Luke taking a piano wire to Nikolas in front of Helena.  Then I thought of Helena getting Lucky to drug little Lucas.  Finally, I decided that The Eye goes to:  MIKE CORBIN 

Whacking the snot out of Sonny was a very, very bad move and threw about 5 years of groveling out the window and landed them almost at square one again.  Bad, bad form. 

MOST NAUSEATING COUPLE 

Flea and Luke almost got it.  Emily and Juan almost got it.  Bobby and Roy were on the brink.  But the couple that most made me want to lose lunch and eat Maalox was the POST-COITAL LUCKY AND LIZ. 

OK, you did it.  SHUT UP and GET A ROOM
and leave us out of your sex life! 

SORRY TO SEE YOU GO!! 

Ingo left us.  Steve left us.  Michael Saucedo (remember him?  He played Juan) left us.  The guy who played Francis, the henchman not Johnny, evidently left us.  I even considered nominating Carly and Sonny's baby cause I was sorry to see him go.  I think a lot of the GH audience will agree that (considering Ingo is coming back) the most missed actor is:  SARAH BROWN. 

Coming back would be
very, very, very good. 

Which brings us to: 

MOST EAGERLY ANTICIPATED RETURN 

You thought it would be Vanessa Marcil in her five seconds of Brenda.  Maybe you thought it’d be Steve Burton or even Ingo.  Kim McCullough at the nurses ball?  Dead Lily?  Nah, my favorite return is my sweetie, KEN SHRINER as Scottie.  Long may he wave.  NEXT YEAR YOU’D BETTER BELIEVE TRISTAN ROGERS WILL GET THIS AWARD, SO NO OTHER NOMINEES ARE NEEDED! 

Katrina wuvs you, Scooter 

With that, the music swells, the losers weep, the winners retire to the press room, I say goodnight and the curtains close on our Eye Awards for the night.  I’m sure you’ll have your own ideas for who should have been chosen.  Again, these are just my thoughts.