and Gentlemen, fellow ABC soap lovers, I give youÖ
Thank you very much. This
weekís column has been a long time coming and I have to confess, it was
supposed to be different than this. I
had this great plan that I would construct a giant voting booth for each of the
4 sites and we would have The Eye Awards (you know, we are giving a winner The
Eye Ė nyuk nyuk nyuk) for each soap, voted by the fans.
It was going to be a work of art. Weíd
get all the staff together for a Pre-Awards roast of the characters and actors,
then reveal the winners in a grand flourish.
Alas, it was not meant to be. Real
life got in the way and my great aspirations have finally surrendered to the
reality that I just donít have time to set it up and work it.
Iím sure we should be able to do it next year, but this year it just
wasnít happening. (Sorry staff, I know you were diggin it.)
Instead, you are going to have to bear through one more year of me
personally pronouncing myself judge, jury and academy and picking my own
winners. I donít expect that all
of you will agree with my choices and well, we just have to be good with that,
donít we? Weíre not all going
to think alike and this is just a reflection of how Iíve felt for the past
year. Iím limiting my scope to
the time from May Sweeps 2000 to May Sweeps 2001, give or take an inch or so.
I have to confess, despite how dreary it
had become in the last months of the Guza-Riche Dynasty, I was very disappointed
at the GH lockout for the Daytime Emmys and I didnít watch much of it.
I was just utterly bored. Because
of that, although I will award the usuals, I will have an emphasis on the awards
that the Emmyís may have missed. Without
(PS, Iím wearing a black sequined gown
by Vera Wang, made to accentuate my round bosom and detract from my round little
belly and excess of butt. It smacks
of good taste and I have already taken best-dressed honors for the night, so
cool your jets).
To qualify for best actor, you have to be
a guy and you have to be in a major story line during the operative year and you
have to have been on cast for the whole year.
I wonít bore you with the nominees because you were there. It is a hard choice because Anthony Geary is awesome, but was
never really used to his best advantage. A
Martinez is easily the best actor in the cast, but he NEVER got to act!
Just mumble and ride Bobbie like a pogo stick.
Iíd even include John J. York for his anguished portrayal of the
scorned Mac Scorpio. He at least
deserves a nomination. In all
fairness, I must give The Eye to: MAURICE
BENARD. I love Sonny, donít get
me wrong. I think heís a
wonderful, complex character, but I have seen MB in a few interviews and it
seems to me as if MB plays MB when he plays Sonny.
There doesnít appear to be too much of a jump from actor to character,
so when you combine the effects of a little too much admiration for Pacino and
DeNiro (can there really be too much admiration for those too) in his portrayal
of Sonny with the intensity that is Maurice Benard to start with, you get Sonny.
That means that he normally would not get an award from me because I like
to see actors work their acting muscle a little harder than MB has to in his
day-to-day work. MB gets the award
No more need be said.
major story line, there all year. Itís
slim pickinís, Iíll admit. Do I
give it to Genie Francis for an occasional good bout and old timeís sake?
Sorry. In this circus,
youíve got to earn your peanut. I
know a lot of people are going to be drop jawed that I didnít throw The Eye
out the door after Sarah Brown, but again, as good as she is, I feel there is
one who did a better job. Forget
younger actor/actress categories. If
you act, youíre up for nomination. Iím
giving The Eye to: AMBER TAMBLYN. She was incredible as the little girl who went to a rave and
woke up naked with a dead guy. That
dance in the air, that scream, those bugged eyes.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
This one is a toughie, because there are
many great ones. You have to have
been on cast the whole year and make everyone else look good.
Billy Warlock is a definite nominee, as is Real Andrews, who I totally
adore. Neither of these actors are
anything like their character, which is a big bonus to me when evaluating
talent. Real Andrews was another
grossly underused, underexposed actor and I would have loved to have given him
The Eye. The one who very, very
barely edged him out of the winnersí seat (and it was a close one right up
until this typing and Iím STILL wavering is:
STEPHEN NICHOLS. He is SO
radically different from his character and the chilling portrayal of Stefan in
those freaky Oedipal scenes with Helena definitely deserves an Eye.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
It really breaks my heart to put her in
this category, but without decent material, I have to relegate her to supporting
actress. She has consistently
turned in great work and taken really crappy writing and made it come alive.
Given a good script, I think she could work miracles.
The Eye goes to: NANCY LEE
BEST NON-CONTRACT PLAYER
Another toughie because two of the
greatest actors in DAYTIME, not just on GH, are NOT contracted players, so
itís a tough call. Ron Hale is
brilliant and his scenes with Sonny are just electric.
Unfortunately, he just isnít given enough material to beat out the
winner of the Eye for this category: CONSTANCE
This one is tough because two really
great faces came on the scene this year (as did some not so good ones). Itís neck and neck and Chad Brannon ALMOST made it (and
heís a RECAST!!), man, it was so close, but The Eye goes to: JENSEN BUCHANAN. I
knew she was really good, but I didnít know how good until the temporary
MOST UNDERUSED MALE CHARACTER
There are so many!
Many of our greatest actors are simply not give enough decent material.
I want to put Mike in here because heís incredible.
Taggert is a story that is a LONG time coming.
Tony REALLY got lost in the shuffle until they needed a mad scientist.
Roy turned caveman and no longer even spoke.
So many sins, so little room in hell.
Oh well, my column, my award, my choice:
I can never, ever get enough of Reginald.
MOST UNDER-USED FEMALE CHARACTER:
Again, so many of our really great
actresses are given almost no time. Monica
just whines and bitches, Tammy disappeared and no one noticed, Laura wafts in
and out until something sets her offÖThe character that I would most like to
see burst onto the screen and infiltrate every story line is:
LESLEY WEBBER. She has so
much to offer, both as an actress and a character and sheís been left to
flounder as LuLuís babysitter and Lauraís cheerleader.
Get this woman busy, for Godsake!
MOST PAINFUL BREAK UP (FOR
It could have been Flea and Luke (not).
Could have been Mac and Flea. Could
have been Juan and Emily or even Zander and Emily when she was blackmailed by
Edward. Could have been AJ and Carly or Sonny and Carly even.
Man, I must confess, Chloe and Jax almost took home the Eye for this one.
Could have been any of them, but Iím going with giving the eye to the
couple whose true essence (not the one seen of late) I miss most: NED AND ALEXIS.
*Sniff* Lift your glasses and toast.
There you are thinking itís going to be
that whopper between Laura and Scott or the one where Emily pulled Zander to her
and planted one on him. Sorry,
kiddies. Iím not that easy.
Best kiss goes to: HELENA
AND DRUGGED STEFAN!
Iím awash in nominations.
There are so many, including this RIDICULOUS
Lucky-ruled-by-the-Ice-Princess crap. Worst
story of the year goes to: EDDIEíS
Insulting to NLG, WK, Ned, Alexis, Us, TPTB and TV.
It was funny for the first week and rotted after the first 3 months of it.
Jason wiping the floor with Lucky after
he took a knife to him? Nah, but
that was a good one. Best fight of
the year goes to: FELICIA AND
LAURA. Just pick one:
I liked this one because Laura called Flea a bitch.
YOU WENT WAY OVER THE LINE, BABE
I was thinking of Carly locking Laura on
the roof. Then I thought of AJ and
Carly on the stairs. Then I was
thinking of Luke taking a piano wire to Nikolas in front of Helena. Then I thought of Helena getting Lucky to drug little Lucas.
Finally, I decided that The Eye goes to:
Whacking the snot out of Sonny was a
very, very bad move and threw about 5 years of groveling out the window and
landed them almost at square one again. Bad,
MOST NAUSEATING COUPLE
Flea and Luke almost got it. Emily and Juan almost got it.
Bobby and Roy were on the brink. But
the couple that most made me want to lose lunch and eat Maalox was the
POST-COITAL LUCKY AND LIZ.
OK, you did it. SHUT UP and GET A ROOM
and leave us out of your sex life!
SORRY TO SEE YOU GO!!
Ingo left us.
Steve left us. Michael
Saucedo (remember him? He played
Juan) left us. The guy who played
Francis, the henchman not Johnny, evidently left us.
I even considered nominating Carly and Sonny's baby cause I was sorry to see him
go. I think a lot of the GH audience will agree that (considering
Ingo is coming back) the most missed actor is:
Coming back would be
very, very, very good.
Which brings us to:
MOST EAGERLY ANTICIPATED RETURN
You thought it would be Vanessa Marcil in
her five seconds of Brenda. Maybe
you thought itíd be Steve Burton or even Ingo.
Kim McCullough at the nurses ball? Dead Lily?
Nah, my favorite return is my sweetie, KEN SHRINER as Scottie.
Long may he wave. NEXT YEAR YOUíD BETTER BELIEVE TRISTAN ROGERS WILL GET THIS
AWARD, SO NO OTHER NOMINEES ARE NEEDED!
Katrina wuvs you, Scooter
With that, the music swells, the losers weep, the winners retire to the press room, I say goodnight and the curtains close on our Eye Awards for the night. Iím sure youíll have your own ideas for who should have been chosen. Again, these are just my thoughts.