Katrina's Metaphoric GH Castings!
By Katrina Rasbold

(Most of the images can be enlarged by clicking on them.)

OK.  I'll admit it.  I'm bored with the show right and and when I get bored, I get dangerous.  That's why it would be in the best interest of all concerned if the powers that be got jiggy with fixing what's wrong and getting GH back on track again.  I've done a GH Movie Casting before where I chose an actor who could play our favorite characters on the big screen.  Having been there and done that, this time, I decided to instead go for a metaphoric casting of the show, choosing representations for each character.  Obviously, this is just my opinion and yours will likely be different.  Relax, get a drink, kick back and I'll explain why I made the choices I did.  Remember, this is NOT for looks alone, but for what they represent!  READY THE ROTTED FRUIT TO THROW (although roses will work as well!!)


In Not Any Particular Order:

"Mary Poppins"

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She appeared virtually out of nowhere, solved every one of Laura's babysitting problems and is never seen doing anything else.  She's practically perfect in every way.  If only Lesley had her own personal Bert to bag.  She always has a good spin on everything and gives the best advice ever.  *sniff*  I want her to be my mommy.

Taggert & Mac
"Keystone Cops"

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Yes, I know that Mac is no longer the police commissioner, but he sure doesn't have another job and the PCPD is still in the shambles that it was when he took it over, so I'm going to group him with the bumblers anyway.  Has this team of crack-shot legal eagles EVER solved a crime?


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Take your pic.  (ha, get it?  take your pic?)  This is one of the few characters that I cast by demeanor and looks.  Is he DeNiro?   Is he Pacino? He's both rolled into one luscious wad of pain, angst and self-torture.  

"Pick Any Stepford Wife"
(This one happened to be broken Katharine Ross)

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In your mind, unfocus my eyes and give me a soft, monotone voice as I say this:  "I really can't understand why more people don't wear white and use their best china every day.  I just can't see saving special things for special times.  I am afraid of mud.  It's so...muddy.  I can't cut celery.  Will show me how with your big, long, strong fingers?  I care about you.  I don't ask any questions.  Just "be" and don't let me ever expect anything from you.  I am your perfect mate, perfect mate, perfect mate..."

"A very young Johnny Depp"

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He's beautiful, he's talented, he's charismatic...and he's still stuck in his own version of 21 Jump Street, building an incredible fan base and waiting for his time to strike.  Not even ONE of you guys had better be mad at Chad when he leaves!  If EVER there was a young talent who needed to be in Hollywood, it's him!

"Kate Moss"

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You can't be too rich or too thin, but you can sure get in over your head when you're trying to climb the ladder of success!

"Our Lady of Immaculate Heart"

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She is the paragon of forgiveness, she always has a good thought for everyone, she's practically psychic, she is everywhere at all times and she can talk to the animals.  I figure I might as well start seeing her as the powers that be do.

"The Wicked Witch of the West"

Oh, you don't think so?  Try these out:

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"I'll get you, my pretty!  And your bastard daughter too!"


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"It's my housssseee....."

Staying with a theme:

AJ, Alan, Skye and Edward
See below 

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AJ as The Scarecrow ("If I only had a brain"), Alan as The Cowardly Lion ("If I only had da noive"), Edward as The Tin Woodman ("If I only had a heart") and poor Skye who just wants to find her way home.  But let's not forget...


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Who just wants to make everything right and can remind ANYONE that they themselves have the magic ruby slippers that they needed in the first place.  For the Quartermaines, there really is NO place like home.

"Wonka's Golden Ticket"

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If ever there was a golden ticket that is the philosopher's stone to turn this ordinary metal into a golden show again, it's Elton.  Whenever he's onscreen, everything is just fine again.


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If Kato was the perfect sidekick, Johnny can't be far behind.

"Meryl Streep"

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A really beautiful, really great actress who often is dressed very badly for her parts and rises above the some of the horrible scripts she's given to work.  

"Peter Campbell from Soap"

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Peter who was killed by several people in several ways, being stabbed, bludgeoned, shot and something else that I can't remember all on the same night.  

"Willie Wonka"

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Mr. Wonka to you, bub!  The guy who has the inside track, but is crazier than a bedbug...or crazy like a fox.  I'm thinking of the scene when they are on the Wonka boat:  "And it really isn't SHOWING any SIGNS it might be SLOWING!"  Pure Luke.

"Sun Lovin' Malibu Ken"

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Handsome, blonde, but what will they do with him besides make him Barbie's boyfriend?

"Lisa Simpson"

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OK, I hear your protests, but read these Lisa Simpson quotes and tell me you couldn't hear our favorite lawyer saying them:

"Girl Power! means never having to say you're sorry you're smart."

“Friends? These are my only friends. Grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal and even he’s kissed more boys than I ever will.”

“Relax? I can’t relax. Nor can I yield, relent, or … Only two synonyms? Oh my god! I’m losing my perspicacity!” 

“Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, then sold off piece by piece.”

"You can't create a monster, then whine when it stomps on a few buildings." 

I rest my case.

Sonny's personal punching bag"

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The Invisible Woman from The Fantastic Four"

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Angelica from Rugrats" 

So sweet to the adults and everything you'd want a little girl to be, but boy, can she turn Jeckyl and Hyde on the babies she doesn't like!


"The Grail Knight" 

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Like The Grail Knight who guards the Holy Grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, our Reginald fiercely protects GH's own most precious treasure:  Lila Quartermaine.

"Don Corleon" 

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This gal MUST have made someone an offer they couldn't refuse (most likely involving a telephoto lens and many copies of incriminating photos) because she's worked a dozen days in the past 5 years and STILL is on contract!  What's with that?

"John Cougar Mellancamp"

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He sings, he acts, he's tough, he's sensitive and lemme tell ya, Ned, it hurts SO good!  Sing it, Baby!  Thanks to Ivana for this one!!


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Take your pick.  Any one works.

"Robert Palmer"

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He is "Addicted to Love" and definitely "Simply Irresistible" and that's putting mildly how I feel about my favorite doc.  He sings, he comes alive on the stage and he isn't seen nearly enough.  Bang a gong, Tony Baby, and get it on.


"Y" is for "You Freaking Idiots."  OK, let me get this straight.  You go all out, actually hire an accomplished, beautiful, talented actress of color no less, dress her in really ugly clothes for a few scenes, have her rant at her daughter, then for months on end you ignore her in favor of a bunch of models who can't act their way out of a wet paper bag?  What's THAT about?  The Idiots In Charge need to get their heads out of that verrry tight spot they've been inhabiting for most of this year (no sun shining in there!) and GIVE LYNNE MOODY A STORY befitting her talent!  What a sinful waste.

"Peter Pan"

The boy who never grows up.  (That's Ivana again)

Gia & Nikolas
"Wallis Simpson and Edward VIII"

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You have to love a guy who would abdicated the throne of England for himself and all his descendents to be with the woman he loved.  We all know that when it comes down to it, Nikkie is going to do the same.

"Mo Howard"

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"Why I oughtta..."  He's been Luke's stooge for way too long and me thinks me smells yet another set up for my poor Scooter.  *sniff*


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Helena, Mikkos, Stavros and Stefan
"The Lion in Winter"

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A little history for those of you who are not familiar with "The Lion in Winter."  Set at Christmas of 1183, the movie concerns Henry II's effort to choose a worthy successor.  Played by the great Peter O'Toole, Hank favors his youngest son John, who is played by Nigel Terry, while his strong-willed wife, Eleanor of Aquitaine, played by Katherine Hepburn, is pushing for the crown to go to their eldest son, Richard the Lionhearted, played by Anthony Hopkins, in his screen debut.  If that doesn't sound familiar, check out this dialogue:

John: You wouldn't dare.
Richard: (going for his dagger) Why on earth wouldn't I?
John: A knife! He's got a knife!
Eleanor: Of course he has a knife. He always has a knife. We all have knives. It's 1183 and we're barbarians. How clear we make it. Oh, my piglets, we're the origins of war. Not history's forces nor the times nor justice nor the lack of it nor causes nor religions nor ideas nor kinds of government nor any other thing! We are the killers; we breed war. We carry it, like syphilis, inside. Dead bodies rot in field and stream because the living ones are rotten. For the love of God, can't we love each other just a little? That's how peace begins. We have so much to love each other for. We have such possibilities, my children; we could change the world.

Is that Cassadine or WHAT?  Thanks to Karen for that one.

"Betty - Boop or Cooper" (can't decide)
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Sure looks like Orphie and Flea to me!

"Jonathon Jackson"

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Need I say more?


"Elvira, Misterss of the Dark"
(aka Cassandra Peterson"

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A really hot red-head who changes her hair and shows her boobs for fun and profit.  I think I actually saw Bobbie wear the outfit on the right to a Nurses Ball a few years back.


So that's the end.  I hope you had fun with my little adventure into MetaphorLand.  Let's not get evil about my choices.  Like I said, it's just my opinion and I'm not finding much else to comment on in GH.  Thanks for taking the time to read my mental wanderings