“Emmys, Assholes and Ted King’s Big Balls” 

A word of warning:  this is my Emmy rant.  It’s about the actors and the powers that be and it’s harsh, petty and mean-spirited, so if that kind of thing bothers you, proceed at your own risk and remember, this is only for entertainment purposes and it’s only my opinion, which only means as much as you let it mean.  There’s also a casting spoiler.  Oh, and I cuss a lot, too.  The “Muse of Fuck” has struck again. 

So, fuck it.  Let’s get started. 

Tyler Christopher chewing gum while presenting an award made him look ignorant and poorly mannered.  He also looked like he'd rather be cleaning out a sewer drain, by hand, than to be there. 

I am not just tired of Lisa Rinna's “Amazing, Teflon-Coated Nipples,” that apparently "stand up" to anything, but I am tired of her hemorrhoidal looking lips, her obnoxious voice, every damn thing she says in her obnoxious voice that comes out of those hemorrhoidal lips, her big, huge head and her "Dean Martin's Gold Diggers" mini-dresses.  It's like Ty Treadway must constantly drag a talking sequined turd along with him everywhere he goes. 

Could Maurice Benard have looked any more morose when Rick Hearst was giving his acceptance speech?   I mean, fuck, dude.  At least sit up and try to look like you think it’s a good thing.  If he’s an actor, and an actor who respects his coworkers, he can at least effectively pretend that he’s happy for someone else’s win for thirty damn seconds.  And I don’t buy any lame excuses like, “He just didn’t know the camera was on him at that moment.”  Bullshit.  It’s the fucking televised Emmys, for pity’s sake. 

Speaking of “Mo,” did he actually fucking nod in the affirmative when Tony Geary said “Maurice was robbed?”  That's what it looked like to me.  Maurice Benard doesn’t need another Emmy anyway.  His ego probably already takes up way too much room at his house…in his garage…in his wife’s womb…in his car…his dressing room…the entire fucking GH set…the ABC Daytime Executives offices (on both coasts)…and the minds of everyone who knows him.  Why does everyone from GH who wins an Emmy have to kiss Maurice Benard’s ass?  Did God send another son to earth and forget to tell us, or what? 

At least Tamara Braun had the good sense to be all happy looking for everyone who won, and she may have actually been happy for all I know.  She may have pouted and thrown a fit or cried when she got home, but she wasn’t looking like a clump of sour grapes anytime I saw her.   

That being said (Yes, here it comes.), I cannot express the joy I feel about her loss.  She would have been more undeserving of that Emmy than Jacob Young.  Hell, Jacob Young is Laurence Olivier compared to Tamara Braun.  I’m not surprised anyone thought she would win since the ABC media machine has rammed her down our throats like some oversized, dry, thorny dildo.  I’m just surprised that so many soap magazine columnists seemed to think she deserved it (unless they were lying).   

I wouldn’t have been all that shocked if she’d won because I have never seen an actress promoted so heavily the way that she has been.  That’s where the ABC media machine comes into play.  She is on every day and she has been on magazine after magazine, week after week.  The magazines even do articles about her when she dyes her damn hair.  The woman had over 300 reels to choose from and she still couldn’t win the Emmy and that speaks volumes.  If she can’t come up with some Emmy winning submissions out of “Carly sees her husband kissing Brenda,” “Carly thinks she’s been raped, but isn’t sure,” “Pregnant Carly falls through the ice and almost miscarries,” “Pregnant Carly is kidnapped and chained to the wall of a panic room,” “Pregnant Carly is kidnapped and held captive on a yacht by an international drug lord,” “Pregnant Carly is almost in a plane crash,” “Pregnant Carly falls down a really big staircase,” “Carly gets shot in the head by her husband while she’s giving birth,” “Carly goes into a coma and dreams of screwing the international drug lord,”  “Carly wakes up from her coma and is really confused,” and “Carly is drugged and committed to an mental hospital,” then give it the fuck up already.  Seriously, if you can’t pull an Emmy out of your ass with all that, then GO HOME!  (Natalia Livingston still has a job, so Home Depot is probably hiring.) 

When they played Tamara’s clip, I cringed seeing her scrunched up “look at me crying” face and hearing her whiny, trying-to-act voice because she looked and sounded ridiculous.  Contrast that with Michelle Stafford’s clip or the scenes they showed of Nancy Lee Grahn as Alexis, crying in the elevator with Carly and you can see how much of a good actress Tamara is NOT.  Of course, in all fairness, it may come naturally for other actors to cry in their scenes with Tamara. 

I did like Tamara’s dress, though.  :) 

Just to show you what a mind fuck-snow job the media did, almost everybody with a column, online or in magazines, who made Emmy predictions, said they thought Tamara would win.  Even Linda Dano, interviewing the soap stars on the red carpet on “Soapnet’s Emmy Pre-Show,” told Tamara it was her night.  This bit of information was passed along to the directors of the Emmys, it seemed to me, or else why would we have to see Tamara’s reaction every time someone else won an Emmy?  Too damn many audience reaction shots centered around her and most of the time she was giggling, bouncing up and down or was turned around in her seat yapping with Alicia Leigh Willis.  It was very clear from her behavior that Tamara probably thought it was her night, too.  She had that, “Me, me!  It’s all about me!  Everyone’s looking at me,” shtick down pat.     

Not that she was wrong.  With the camera up her ass every time anything happened on the stage, we were definitely all looking at her.  I can just hear the director in the control room, “We’re going to a commercial.  Show Tamara!  Show Tamara!  How’s Tamara reacting to the upcoming commercial break?  It’s her night, Goddamnit!  Keep that camera on her at all times!” 

I guess we’re lucky they didn’t have a “Tamara Pee Cam” in the ladies restroom.  (“Oh, my God!  Tamara has to pee!  Camera One, follow her!  Follow her!  We must know, does she wipe front to back or back to front?  What?  Michelle Stafford’s blocking your path?  Well, knock her ass down.  She’s not going to win anyway.  TV Guide said so.”) 

I just hope that Tamara bounced around in the audience more from nerves and the acute awareness that there was a camera up her behind constantly than because she was really believing she had the prize wrapped up.  If she allowed all the hype to lift her that high, then it must have been a painful moment for her when she didn’t win and it truly does say good things about her that she didn’t let it show.  (Are you listening Maurice?) 

 And while we’re on the subject of “painful,” did we really have to see the big, fat, creepy face of Brian Frons all night, too?  I have no idea what the presidents of NBC’s and CBS’s daytime divisions look like, but I’ll bet, for whatever reason, we saw Brian Frons more on our televisions than any of them.  I think it’s because he “strategically positioned himself behind Maurice” (innuendo intended), glaring with this weird grin on his face.  Just so you know, I’m assuming Brian Frons wouldn’t mind me calling his face “big, fat and creepy” since he had no problem calling Kathy Brier (“Marcy” on OLTL) “overweight” and “not beautiful” in an interview last year.  And to hell with him if he cares, anyway.   

So we had Tamara hopping around, grabbing Emmy winners so furiously to show her joy for them as they walked by her, you could almost call it assault, then there was Maurice, who looked like he couldn’t even be bothered to whistle up a fart all night and Brian Frons behind him looking creepy.  At least Brian Frons was interested enough in the show to remove his head from Maurice’s ass for long enough to watch it (the show, not Maurice’s ass) and didn’t spend the whole night turned around talking while people made their acceptance speeches.  At least not that we saw. 

Moving on to more random stuff…    

I thought the lovely Alicia Leigh Willis looked the best from the neck down.  I didn’t really care for her hairstyle, but it was her extremely harsh, frosty makeup that I didn’t like.  If she’d let her hair down, crimped it and grabbed some roller skates, she would have looked right at home at Studio 54, circa 1979.  She’s too pretty to need all that crap. 

To see Alicia "Roller Girl" Leigh Willis, click here. 

How any woman could want to be within a mile of Lorenzo Lamas without wearing some sort of chemical safety suit is beyond me.  The man looks so slutty, God knows what little critters and cooties he could pass around with just a glance.  That whole audience probably has scabies now.     

So, in Lesli Kay, we GH viewers are getting a “NuLois” played by a woman who is so poor, she doesn’t even own a mirror.  Poor thing.  And she appears to be into S&M, too.  Maybe we can get her on a list for a personality donor and a good taste infusion so she’ll not only be able to choose dresses that are actually attractive, but she’ll wear them instead of the other way around.  Gawd awful!  

To see poor Lesli, click here.  

Cynthia Preston looked good, but an online friend of mine made the observation that Cynthia’s dress is almost identical to Susan Lucci’s.   

Click here to see the beautiful Cynthia Preston. 

To see Susan Lucci, click here.  

I did not like Vanessa Marcil’s dress.  I was very disappointed that she decided to go the “Welcome to My Breasts” route.  The thing about Vanessa is she was still stunning, just stunning in spite of the dress.  She could probably have worn a burlap bag and knocked the socks off of everybody.  She will always be, “The Most Beautiful Girl In Port Charles.” 

By comparison (since everyone loves to compare these two), I thought Kelly Monaco's dress was absolutely beautiful and she also looked gorgeous.  I think it is my favorite dress of the evening. 

To see Kelly Monaco's beautiful dress, click here. 

When are we female viewers going to get some equal opportunity for sexual pleasure as we watch the Emmys?  When are men going to show up with the outline of their dicks bulging through their tiny, glittery, transparent thongs with their tight, little, glistening asses thrusting out the back?  I am sick and tired of the annual titty show. 

I want to see Steve Burton walk on the stage to present an award while wearing a hot pink thong with white fringe.  Yeah, blue would bring his eyes out more, but shit, who the hell would be looking at his eyes? 

Then, Rick Hearst could wear a black satin thong with slits cut in the front.  If the thong is really tight, we could get some good penis cleavage going on. 

Ted King could wear a daring thong made out of stretch netting.  He could even hang little bells on his balls.  Or would he need big bells?  If I could just get to him, I wouldn’t need his phone number to be able to ring him UP!  One ringy-dingy.  Two ringy-dingy…   

Whoo!  It’s getting a little warm in here! 

Greg Vaughan could wear Lucky’s police uniform and he could do what so many of us have wanted to see.  He could tear those threads off and start misbehavin’ with what the good Lord gave him! 

Now I’m convinced. Next year should be, “The Year of the Bone.”   




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